(and whilst we’re at it, I also don’t say “It’s not okay” and will also explain why!)
As a preface, if you love the word ‘boundaries,’ or the phrase “It’s not okay,” I deeply respect and support you in that.
This post isn’t about judgment; it’s about an invitation to speak words that help us embody our ’no.’
Here’s why I don’t love the words ‘boundary’ or ‘boundaries’:
When I think of the word, ‘boundary,’ the first thing that I think of is land being divided into fields, lines drawn on the earth. I think of colonisation, of taking of land, and before that, to state-making.
Continuing the land metaphor, my understanding is that in many Indigenous traditions, people perceive/d themselves as the custodians of the land, rather than owners of land. Care, mutuality, interrelationship rather than ownership.
‘Boundary’, to me, has the quality of a line on the land.
Instead of a line on the land, I like to invite us to connect with our YES and our NO in our bodies, and in our relationship to the other.
Paradoxically, a ‘no’ is still about relationship, even if we are saying “no” to ever seeing that person again.
Our connection with our ‘yes’ and our ’no’ is our innate wisdom.
I call it our slug wisdom.
You know how a slug moves towards what it has a ‘yes’ for, and moves away from what it has a ‘no’ for? I believe that is innate in all of us.
But growing up in our family and in a domination colonised culture, many of us needed to mask our ‘yes’ and ’no’ to be safe, to belong and to be loved.
Perhaps you were shamed if you said, “no.”
Perhaps you were sent to your room if you said, “no.”
Perhaps you were given warmth and connection if you said, “yes,” when you felt, ‘no’.
Perhaps you were told that you were “good” if you said “yes” when you felt ’no.’
The domination colonised culture is all about disconnecting people from their wise knowing about when they feel a ‘yes’ and when they feel a ‘no,’ so that we say “yes” even when we feel a ‘no.’
What does it matter, the words we express?
The words we speak have power, and resonate in our bodies in different ways and in different places.
For example, how and where do you feel in your body if you say,
“I am setting a boundary with her,”
and how and where do you feel in your body when you say,
“I am not willing for her to do that to me any more.”
or even.
“I said “no” to her.”
How do you feel when you say,
“My boundaries are terrible,”
compared to,
“I am scared when I imagine saying “no” to him because I think he will respond in an angry way.”
What I love about “I am not willing for…” and “No” is that they support us in being specific and embodied.
I deeply value language that is specific and which supports us to reconnect with our embodied ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ and I find that,
“I am willing”
and
“I am not willing”
help with that.
I love the term ‘Neo No’ for when we are expressing an energetic as well as spoken “no.” If you’ve seen that scene in The Matrix where Neo says NO, you might understand why I developed that term (please credit me if you use that term!)
The Neo No is an unwillingness to experience that thing.
It isn’t aggressive, it isn’t defensive. It’s a clear NO.
Standing up, feeling our feet on the floor, and putting our hand out like Neo does, and saying, “no” with a clear unwillingness for whatever is happening or coming towards us, is a profoundly powerful act.
It’s not aggression, or power-over, or fighting. It’s a clear NO.
In parenting, we can express what I call a Loving Limit (also a term I developed) if a child is in aggression or repression. That is a ‘no’ to the behaviour and a ‘yes’ to the underlying feelings that are causing the behaviour.
To embody an “I’m not willing,” a Neo No, or a Loving Limit when we didn’t experience these growing up, I often find that we each need to go on a journey.
For most of us, that will mean becoming more comfortable with our frustration and outrage, to befriend them, and to be compassionate with ourselves when our newfound “no’s” come out with the extra weight of unexpressed frustration and outrage from the past.
Since most of us didn’t have our “no’s” lovingly welcomed as children, most of us have a whole lot of unexpressed outrage that needs to be felt, expressed, heard and befriended, so that we can increasingly know when we have a “no” to something and express that in the form of a simple, “I’m not willing.”
And sometimes, our outrage really is about the present moment situation, and the full weight of our outrage, our “NO! I am NOT willing for this!” our standing in our body with that ’no,’ is exactly what is asked of us to express.
To me, that is far more powerful than another expression which I also don’t say; “It’s not okay.”
How and where do you feel in your body when you say, “It’s not okay!”
And how and where do you feel in your body when you say, “I am not willing for you to do that!”
“It’s not okay” is far less powerful, for three reasons:
1. It starts with “it” rather than “I” so there is generally less connection with ourselves when we speak and less likelihood of the other feeling a sense of connection with us and truly hearing us when we speak it.
2. It is a thought, so we are more likely to be situated in our thinking mind rather than our bodies and embodied power.
3. It is a judgment, so it is more likely that the other will experience being judged, and either go into shame or judgment back, which is less likely to bring about change.
In my work with mentees, supporting them in reconnecting with and reclaiming both their ‘no’s’ and their ‘yeses’ is something that I love, and I see the profound difference this makes in their lives.
I have been on a long journey myself with this, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to walk beside others on their journeys in reclaiming the beauty of their ’no’ as well as their ‘yes’ and to befriend their frustration and outrage as indications that they are feeling an unexpressed ’no.’
So, to me, not saying the word ‘boundary’ or the phrase, “it’s not okay,” isn’t about any kind of ‘wrong’ or ‘right.’
For me, this is about choosing words and language that are specific and clear and which help us reclaim and embody the beauty of our ’no’ as well as our ‘yes,’ as well as our frustration and outrage.
In the moment, expressing a “no” or an, “I’m not willing for you to,” or in the case of a Loving Limit with children, an, “I’m not willing for you to do that, and I’m here and I’m listening,” are about the embodiment of our ’no,’ which is where we connect with our will and willingness energy.
When I am expressing that “no” or the Neo No or the Loving Limit or the “I”m not willing for…” I feel a powerful sense of vertical uprightness in my body. I feel connected with the earth, and with her power.
I feel a strength and power that isn’t power-over, but is all about power-with, and power-within.
To me, that is all about reclaiming the sacredness of our “no”, our slug wisdom, that innate capacity we have to know what is a ’no’ for us, and to feel safe enough to express that.
To me, that brings about powerful change.
To me, that is a powerful journey, a decolonising journey, and one that I deeply honour.
Big love xoxo