Hello again!
I often wonder about change, don’t you?
And why we sometimes don’t change, even though we really want to.
Recently I was reflecting on how beliefs and ways of thinking get passed on to babies and children, from generation to generation.
For centuries, people internalised those beliefs and then automatically passed them on to their children.
This explains why such harsh ways of thinking and being got replayed and replayed.
A little child would have found it deeply painful to be punished in the ways they did in say, the Victorian era, but would have gone on and done the same thing to their children.
The other night, in the middle of preparing for my Love Being a Mother Course, I woke up with a realisation of why beliefs get learnt so early, and are so embedded.
It’s to maintain the culture.
And of course, in more traditional cultures, it was vital to maintain the culture.
To learn the traditions, the ways of collecting and making food, the spiritual and ceremonial beliefs. The things that need to be feared – such as lions; it’s really important that babies learn those fears pretty quickly.
And what a wonderful system it is when there is a beautiful culture to be passed on, generation after generation.
And when I watch programmes about some of those remaining cultures, I get a sense of how much belonging and certainty there would be in that lineage of beliefs and practices, generation after generation. So, the learning of beliefs and ways of thinking from infancy onwards kept the culture going.
And whilst that’s wonderful when the culture has life-enhancing and life-celebratory ways of viewing life, it is pretty painful when those ways are life-denying and soul-destroying.
In fact, if you look around the world and look at the painful things that are happening, would you agree that most, if not all, of them are caused by life-denying beliefs that were passed on from the previous generation?
Beliefs about scarcity, about one belief system being right and another wrong, beliefs about our inherent sinfulness as human beings, and so on?
And this is why I think that parents are SO important.
And my focus is of course on mothers, because in general in our culture mothers spend more time with their babies and children. As mothers, we have so much power.
We pass on our core beliefs to our children.
And for most of us, we have changed the core beliefs that were passed down to us.
In the time since we were children, cultural beliefs have been evolving, and we have evolved alongside those.
However, sometimes we don’t realise the extent to which the core beliefs that our parents carried are still within us.
How do those beliefs get changed?
Well, since the passing on of beliefs is to help the culture continue, one of the main ways that we can change our beliefs is to be part of a culture that has the beliefs that we want to embody.
And this is why having a supportive community, both in real life and online, can make all the difference when we are wanting to consistently act from our chosen values rather than from the beliefs that we acquired when we were very young.
I’ve realised this more and more as my years of being a mother are passing, and as I talk to more and more mothers.
In order to make these changes we want to make, supportive communities of women make all the difference.
I know that I couldn’t be doing what I’m doing if I hadn’t had the honour of meeting, over the past decade, thousands of parents wanting to change the way that children are treated.
Wanting to avoid passing on to their children those old painful beliefs that they received.
Wanting to pass on life-enhancing and beautiful beliefs to their children instead.
Wanting to avoid shame and punishment, isolation and guilt.
Wanting their children to know that they are unconditionally loved.
Wanting to avoid forcing their children into unfulfiling lives.
Wanting to encourage their children to know their own unique life path.
Wanting to avoid trauma and pain that leads to reduced emotional and physical health.
Wanting to allow a life of enjoyment and connection that leads to a healthy body and feelings.
So, how does change happen?
Change is a natural part of life.
We cannot help but change; but we can cooperate with the process to make it much smoother, faster, and more enjoyable!
I believe that the deepest parts of ourselves call on us to keep changing, to keep becoming more, to keep casting off shackles that were never us, and for the most true part of ourselves to keep flourishing and showing itself.
We need to be willing to change.
We need to cooperate with the changes that invite us.
We need to do any mourning necessary to let go of old parts of ourselves.
We need to actually become different, and make different choices.
We need to keep on making those choices.
And we need to be a part of a culture which supports our process of change.
I wonder if that resonates with you?
When I started up my first online course, I hit a patch of feeling really scared about putting it out into the world. As I think I’ve shared with you before, if I hadn’t had streams of supportive posts on the Facebook group of Launch a Little Course, I would have given up.
And that would have been confirming to a very old belief that has been passed down a few generations of women in my family, that it’s dangerous to go out into the world and it’s dangerous to speak.
But in receiving all those words of love, of encouragement, of compassion, telling me that I really could DO IT, I did it. And it was one of the most exhilarating and amazing things I’ve done.
And doing something different like that, and then having the feedback from some of the course members that it made a difference in their lives, means I am so much more comfortable this time around when I am launching my next course.
Similar fears come up, but at a much lesser level – because I found that they were not based on true beliefs last time!
So, when we get support at that time when the old belief rears its head – to protect the status of the old culture – that gives us that extra magic that we need to take those steps out into a different life.
So, when you are wanting to make changes in your life, are you willing to have a supportive community of women around you? Women who inspire you, who encourage you, who give compassion and empathy when things are tough, and who can celebrate you and acknowledge you when things are flourishing? I so want that for every mother, and I know that we can all have that. If you haven’t already got that in your life, I want it for you!
And that’s why, at the core of my Love Being a Mother Course, are two things.
One is changing our relationship with other mothers, so that we drop those centuries of competition, judgment and comparison, and embrace cooperation, celebration and compassion.
In practical terms, you get the opportunity to join the Facebook group – where there is that tangible support of mothers all co-creating a new culture of motherhood.
And the other is reviewing old beliefs – from your culture and family – about being a mother. And then choosing your own North Star – the fixed point of your values and beliefs that guides you on your journey home.
I know that you can change.
If I can change and share my courses out into the world, you can make the change you want to make.
20 years ago I was the shyest person I knew, filled with self-judgment, guilt, shame and pain.
I thought I was too wounded emotionally to have children.
Now I contribute to many mothers all around the world. I’m at last making these online courses. And I love my life as a mother. If I can change in those ways, you can change whatever it is that you are wanting to change.
And actually, if you look back 10 years, I imagine you see how much you have changed.
Do it now. Remember back to 2004. What were you doing? How were you feeling? What was your relationship to yourself like?
Take a few moments to acknowledge the changes you have made. How you make different choices, have different ways of being. Remembering this can help you when you take your next step of change.
I’d love to hear how change is for you, and whether you resonate with finding it easier to be consistently in that changed place if you have a supportive group of women around you.
And if you want to find out more about my Love Being a Mother course, click here: www.lovebeingamother.net/join
I’d love to hear from you!
Sending you loads of love,
Marion xxx
January 2015