Why Attachment Play is the opposite of behaviourism

Up until recently, behaviourism has been the core tenet of mainstream parenting and was particularly influential in America.

𝕭𝖊𝖍𝖆𝖛𝖎𝖔𝖚𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖒 𝖎𝖘 𝖇𝖆𝖘𝖊𝖉 𝖔𝖓 𝖈𝖊𝖗𝖙𝖆𝖎𝖓 𝖇𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖋𝖘:

A human’s true nature is ‘bad’;

A parent’s role is to have power over children;

Children who behave in ways that parents don’t want are taught to ‘behave’;

Behaviour that parents don’t want is responded to with a withdrawal of love or a punishment;

Behaviour that parents want is responded to with attention and rewards.

𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐚 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐟𝐬.

A human’s true nature is awareness, with an innate desire to connect, cooperate, contribute and concentrate.

A parent’s role is to facilitate children in staying connected with their true nature through understanding what disconnects them from that true nature;

𝐅𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐚𝐧 𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞, 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐧𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐬:

1. They have a here and now unmet need (often, a need for connection or choice);

2. They have a need for information;

3. They are feeling feelings (or have pent-up painful feelings).

𝘚𝘰, 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘭𝘥-𝘧𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘮 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦, 𝘪𝘧 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥 𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘯𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 ‘𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯’, 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘥, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘴 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘴𝘩 𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦, 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.

𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚜, 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚊𝚗 𝙰𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎, 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 𝚒𝚜 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚎𝚗𝚓𝚘𝚢, 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢, 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚊𝚒𝚖 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝙲𝙻𝙾𝚂𝙴𝚁, 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝙼𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝙽𝙴𝙲𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽, 𝙼𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝙿𝚁𝙴𝚂𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴, 𝙼𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝙻𝙾𝚅𝙴, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚊𝚌𝚑𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢, 𝙼𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝙵𝚄𝙽.

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐈 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲.

𝐁𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 it is 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐎𝐏𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐦.

It understands that children naturally WANT to cooperate, to be loving, to share and to give, WHEN ALL THEIR NEEDS ARE MET, when they have clear information and when they haven’t got painful feelings bubbling at the surface.

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝙸’𝚖 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚜𝚒𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚊𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏.

𝓦𝓱𝓮𝓷 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓷𝓮𝓮𝓭𝓼 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓶𝓮𝓽 – when you’ve recently been connecting with people you love, when you are happy and life is going well, and when you have compassionate and accurate information about your child, then you naturally want to give to your child, and when they ask you to play or to do something for them, you’re probably really happy to do that thing for them, aren’t you?

𝓐𝓷𝓭 𝓲𝓼𝓷’𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓸𝓹𝓹𝓸𝓼𝓲𝓽𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓬𝓪𝓼𝓮; when you haven’t recently had much connection or support or empathy, and you have big feelings bubbling, or you’re telling yourself old-fashioned information about children, aren’t those the times when you’re most likely to do things that your child doesn’t enjoy, and aren’t those the times when you won’t want to cooperate with them?

ℂ𝕙𝕚𝕝𝕕𝕣𝕖𝕟 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕦𝕤.

They’re real, sentient, loving, conscious, human beings.

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙮.

When our child is acting in ways that we aren’t enjoying, connecting MORE with them is reaching in to the source of the behaviour.

Moving in to connect, to listen, to play, to LOVE THEM in tangible and practical ways (which attachment play is), helps them return to their true nature.

And remember number 2?

𝚂𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝙳𝙾 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.

But it is generally FAR LESS than we think!

So, when you get tempted to explain for the fifth time why you don’t like the way they are speaking to you, how about changing tack completely and playing the “Yes, your majesty game” – where you pretend they are a king or a queen and you obsequiously ask them if you could also eat their snot, lick their feet or other funny things.

Or when they are being harsh with their sister, instead of getting harsh with them, how about offering them 20 minutes of non directive child-centred play?

Children need MORE CONNECTION, MORE PRESENCE, MORE ‘ATTENTION’, MORE LOVE, MORE FUN, MORE LISTENING when they are behaving in unenjoyable ways.

If you would like some free information about attachment play, my Free Intro to Attachment Play ebook is here.