Hello dear friends!
Here is the first video of many in my new video series! I would love for LOTS of people to watch it and really enjoy it, so if you enjoy it, would you be willing to share it? xoxo
You can watch the video version here.
You can listen to the podcast version here.
Central to my work is understanding the three types of feelings.
When we understand the type, and thus source, of our feelings, we can then attend in the most helpful way.
Loving compassion is at the heart of the responses of all of these, of course!
We are born with the first two types of feelings, and in our development, the third type comes in a little later.
We can think of this mirroring our development as humans, and the development of our prefrontal cortex and our cognitive development matching the development of this third type of feeling.
So, what are the three types of feelings?
1. Needs Feelings
2. Feelings Feelings
3. Thoughts Feelings
Needs feelings
Needs feelings are created by unmet needs. They are literally our body signalling an unmet need.
We feel hungry when we need food.
We feel lonely when we need connection.
We feel frustrated when we need autonomy and agency.
The most apt response, of course, is to meet the needs. When we meet the needs, the feelings disappear,
(unless the needs have been chronically unmet, or unless the needs haven’t been met because of beliefs about our needs, in which case the second and third types of feelings will also be at play).
If we’re feeling Needs-Feelings, our most apt response is to respond compassionately to ourselves, connect with our willingness for those needs to be met, and then to take action or make requests to meet those needs.
If we’re a parent, and our child is feeling Needs-Feelings, the most apt response is to mirror the feelings and need, and attend promptly to the need. “Are you feeling sad because you need some connection? Would you like a cuddle with me on the sofa?”
In certain cultural beliefs, many people believe that this is the only type of feelings that babies and young children have – and that all feelings indicate unmet needs, and if all needs are met, there is no reason for uncomfortable feelings.
However, right from in utero, babies also have the second type of feelings.
These are Feelings-Feelings.
Feelings-Feelings can be the result of ongoing unmet needs, which includes what I call in The Marion Method Love-Needs and Will-Needs. Love-Needs include connection, presence and empathy, Will-Needs include autonomy, agency and choice.
When needs are not met over time, we feel painful feelings that will not go away even if and when the need is met.
Feelings-Feelings also come about when we have experiences where we experience too much of something (whereas the unmet needs are not enough of something). The too much might be too much stimulation, too much noise, too much information, too fast.
So, with these not-enough and too-much experiences, we have Feelings-Feelings.
These can be sadness, when there is an ongoing not-enough connection (Love-Need), frustration, when there is an ongoing not-enough autonomy and agency (Will-Need), overwhelm, when there is too much stimulation or information.
The most apt response to these is lovingly listening to the feelings, and the feelings being fully felt and expressed within that loving presence.
If we’re a parent, that means offering our Loving and Willing presence to our child, physically, energetically and emotionally. “I’m here with you, I’m listening. I hear that you’re upset.” They may need to cry with our loving support, and the younger they are, the more that means in our loving arms. They may need to rage with our loving support, which might mean a tantrum (but not throwing or hurting – that’s where we need Loving Limits, which I’ll do another video on.)
If this is our feelings, we may need an Outer Loving Crew member to listen lovingly and willingly to us.
As we develop our own internal capacity to listen lovingly and willingly, with our Inner Loving Presences, that presence can come from within. Often, this is us feeling and expressing feelings from our past, when we didn’t experience a loving and willing response to our feelings – so we might also be using The Inner Loving Presence Process, another element of The Marion Method.
The third type of feelings is Thoughts-Feelings.
These feelings are not feelings that babies feel, because they begin with thoughts. And whilst babies do think and do have way more cognitive capacity than we often give them credit for, their main source of feelings in the first months is the first two types. However, they ARE making conclusions about life and the world, right from in utero, and these do go on to create Thoughts-Feelings as they get older.
Many Thoughts-Feelings come from the domination, colonised culture.
For example, guilt is one of the most common Thoughts-Feelings. Guilt comes from telling ourselves, “I should ..” or, “I shouldn’t have…” First of all, we hear that way of thinking, we then internalise it, then we think that way, which leads to guilt.
So, the most apt response to Thoughts-Feelings is to respond lovingly to the younger parts of us that needed to learn to think in these ways in order to belong and be loved, and then to start replacing those ways of thinking with more loving-paradigm responses.
Instead of should-thinking, which is based on judgment and coercion (the opposite of lovingness and willingness), we learn to replace those with loving and willing responses, which means responding compassionately to how we want to be, and acting from willingness rather than coercion. I go into this in more depth in the guilt video!
As a parent, the most apt response is to change the ways we talk to our children, so they are less likely to internalise these ways of thinking.
In the should example, that means instead of telling them that they should do something or they shouldn’t do something, we ask them if they are willing, and work with our own willingness for them to be willing, and use the ways we can to elicit willingness. I talk about all of that in my Wonder of Willingness Course.
So, let’s recap:
There are three types of feelings, Needs-Feelings, Feelings-Feelings, and Thoughts-Feelings, and we can respond differently to each one.
Understanding the source of our feelings can support us in responding most aptly.
For example, we know to listen to our child’s Feelings-Feelings rather than thinking they’re hungry and giving them food. Another example is when I was training to be a psychotherapist. I remember one day telling myself, “I’m so wounded” over and over and crying. At the time, I thought the crying was helpful. In retrospect, the telling myself that I was wounded was what was creating the pain. Nowadays, I wouldn’t say that about myself.
And of course, we will often have feelings that comprise two or three of these sources! For example, we may be feeling overwhelmed because we need support, but we may have beliefs and thus Thoughts-Feelings that “It’s not safe for me to get support.” And this may link back to our childhood experiences seeing our mother asking for help from our father and never getting it.
How we use The Marion Method to respond Lovingly and Willingly to these three types of feelings:
With the support of our Outer Loving Crew and our Inner Loving Presences, we increasingly can respond with loving compassion to all of our feelings.
So, the initial response is compassion.
If we have a Need-Feeling, we can listen lovingly from our Inner Loving Mother – “I hear that you feel sad because you’re longing for connection. I’m here with you. I’m listening.” With that loving support, we can then ask if we’re willing for that need to be met (in this case, connection), which is where The Willingness Practice comes in.
With Feelings-Feelings, again, our Inner Loving Presences or Outer Loving Crew can respond with loving compassion. “I hear how overwhelmed you feel. I’m here with you. I’m listening.” The combination of feeling the feelings and expressing them, and having them lovingly heard, often means that they can move along and be released, so we’re not carrying them any more. Sometimes, those feelings will be from the past, and we might then go in with The Inner Loving Presence Process to listen to the feelings from those younger parts, and give them reparative experiences. Over time, we get really familiar with what aged-us is feeling the feelings!
As for Thoughts-Feelings, The Marion Method supports is in changing our colonised internal dialogue, based on judgment and coercion (the opposite of Love and Will) to one based on compassion and willingness. This means that increasingly, our internal dialogue is one that supports us in listening to what we want and what we’re called to, responding to ourselves with compassion, and acting from willingness rather than internal coercion. This takes time, but is entirely possible and doable, as I’ve experienced myself and witnessed in so many of the people I’ve worked with over the years.
When we know the true source of our feelings, we can respond empathically and effectively in ways that bring us more deeply connected with ourselves and with others.
We can increasingly respond to our needs, listen lovingly to our feelings, and have an inner dialogue that supports us in responding from lovingness and willingness.
Much love,
Marion xoxo