TANGIBLE WAYS FOR SELF COMPASSION AND INNER HEALING#1
My Inner Loving Mother loving me and my face when I put face oil on
Welcome to this series of Tangible Ways for Self Compassion that I use to connect with my Inner Loving Crew (Inner Presences) and use the Inner Loving Presence Process.
I love finding ways of bringing self love into what I do anyway.
One of those is when I put face oil on each morning.
I have this beautiful scented face oil – either this one or one from Kate, and I breathe in the scent and let myself really take in the beautifulness of the smell and the sensations.
Here’s what the inner dialogue from my Inner Loving Mother sounds like:
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“Hello Mazzie, I love you.
I love you exactly as you are.
I’m here with you.
I love you, eyes.
Thank you for all that you do.
Hello cheeks!
I love you! I appreciate you.
Hello, lovely chin.
I love you.
Hello, eyebrows!
I love you.
Hello, mouth! I love you.
Thank you for all that you do.
…..
I love you Mazzie.
I love you exactly as you are.”
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The dialogue is different each time.
Some days, it’s shorter, some days it’s longer.
My Inner Loving Mother is pouring love and I am receiving it.
This is a really lovely and simple way to connect with my Inner Loving Mother.
#TANGIBLE WAYS FOR SELF COMPASSION AND INNER HEALING #2 LISTENING TO MY INNER CHILDREN
I’m sharing these #TangibleWays because, when I was younger, I would read things that said, “love yourself” and I used to wonder, “how exactly do I love myself?”
This #TangibleWays series gives some tasters of the practical, tangible things!
Listening to my Inner Children from my Inner Loving Crew (Inner Presences) makes a HUGE difference to my life.
I’ll share a short example.
Last night, I was at pottery class.
My 17 year old daughter and I go every week – she wanted to go to classes, and I jump at any opportunity to do things with her!
Last night, at one point when we were ‘trimming’ the bases of our pots on the wheels, I suddenly felt frozen.
The thoughts kept on showing up, “I can’t do this.”
Since I gave up using the word, “can’t” when I first started learning Nonviolent Communication, 16 years ago, I knew this was from a younger part of me.
For about 10 minutes, I was simply experiencing things from that younger part.
I felt frozen. The words, “I can’t do this,” kept on running through my mind, and it was as if I really couldn’t do it.
My daughter was sitting next to me at another wheel, and I watched what she was doing.
Then I connected with my Inner Loving Mother.
She asked me, “How old do you feel?”
I answered, “4”.
She said, “I hear that you think that you can’t do it, sweetheart, and I’m here with you. I’m listening. I love you.”
Having my little inner 4 year old heard with unconditional love was enough at that moment to help that memory move through and out, and I returned to adult me self.
With the, “I can’t” thoughts gone, I started trimming the pot again and found that I could do it!
That was a very quick process which made ALL the difference.
Sometimes, simply some empathy and loving presence is all that’s needed to help healing happen.
Other times, I find that I need more than that – which I will share about in #3 of these #TangibleWays!
TANGIBLE WAYS FOR SELF COMPASSION AND INNER HEALING #3 HEALING OLD HURTS
There are many different ways that I find having my Inner Loving Crew so deeply helpful, and healing old hurts is a big part of that!
Again, to make these really #TangibleWays, I’d love to share about my experience earlier on today, where I had a huge reaction, nearly expressed it all to my son, and instead went off and did my Inner Loving Presence Process.
Here’s what happened:
I was doing #PresentTime with my 12 year old son.
We were doing Tangrams (see pic), and I was observing how different he was to me in how he was doing them.
To work out the pattern sometimes took quite a long time.
He would verbalise feelings along the way, like, “I’m so confused.”
AND he had this endless capacity to keep on trying out new ways – turning the shapes over, moving them around, etc.
Whereas, with the harder ones, I would often get to the point of saying, “I’m giving up.”
I had this clear sense that he could release the feelings of confusion that showed up, and could stay in a really clear, open, consciousness.
He just kept on going and going until he worked each one out.
Whereas I saw that my thoughts, “I’m giving up,” came from past experiences.
After an hour and a half, he had worked out 10, and I had worked out 1!
I got so excited about the triangles that I got out some wooden triangles I’d bought years ago, when I was really into Montessori.
They were quite dusty, and as I was dusting them, I knocked some out of place and put them back into the box.
My son said, “no, they don’t go like that.”
I looked at the triangles and couldn’t see what he meant.
(In retrospect, the feelings that had been bubbling up for me around not being able to do the Tangrams were now bubbling even more!)
I moved them around, and he kept saying, “can’t you see where to put them?”
I kept on doing it and he kept on asking me, and then said, “where is your brain?”
At that point, I felt a huge rage bubble up.
I wanted to shout at him.
I went into our garden and started cleaning the pool.
This huge rage was right here, full in my body.
I wanted to go and shout and stamp and rage at him.
I’m grateful that I only spoke one sentence from that place, saying something like, “What are you doing?” and then went back outside to listen with my Inner Loving Crew.
I continued cleaning the pool, and as the process went on, I swam.
The inner dialogue went a bit like this;
Inner Loving Mother: “What does this remind you of?”
Me in the feelings: “Being at school and being told that I couldn’t do things or I was stupid, by the teachers or other children. Also that boyfriend who used to call me Pooh Brain.”
Already, I changed the direction of my feelings that were towards my son, and swung them around to their true source – the teachers and peers at school and the old boyfriend.
My Inner Loving Mother listened to the outrage,
School child me: “I feel OUTRAGED.”
ILM: “I hear that you feel outraged, sweetheart. Your outrage is SO welcome. I’m here with you. I’m listening.”
School child me: (Really letting myself feel the outrage in my body); “I feel SO MUCH rage and outrage,”
ILM: “I hear your rage and outrage. Your feelings are SO WELCOME.”
“What do you need?”
School child me: “I need to be treated with respect and care. If I don’t know how to do something, I need help and gentleness, not to be judged.”
ILM: I really hear you. If you don’t know how to do something, you need help and gentleness, not to be judged.”
“What do you want to say?”
School child me: “You have no right to judge me. I am not willing for you to judge me or treat me harshly.”
InnerBestFriend: “Yes yes yes! You’re not willing! woohooo! You’ve got this!”
ILM: “What do you want to hear?”
School child me: “I want to hear, I’m sorry that I judged you. I had no right to do that.”
Teachers and children, “I’m sorry that I judged you. I had no right to do that.”
(Younger me wanted to hear that OVER AND OVER AGAIN. She felt such RELIEF each time she heard it.)
The teachers and children spoke on behalf of anyone and everyone who had ever judged me, especially when I didn’t know how to do something, and especially around being told I wasn’t competent or capable or that I couldn’t do it.
I was swimming by this time, and after deeply feeling the outrage, listening to the needs, and hearing what I wanted to hear, I felt so relieved.
I had gone from a state of outrage, where I was at risk of shouting at my son and believing that the outrage in response to his comments was directed at him,
to a deep sense of JOY!
Yes!
I wasn’t just relieved, I was literally joyful.
I went back to my son, and explained and apologised.
I am SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL for my Inner Loving Presence Process.
I have experienced this kind of healing hundreds and hundreds of times over the four or so years I’ve been practicing it.
When the younger parts of us come up to be heard, and ARE lovingly heard, and are given reparative experiences, the feelings that they hold are free to be released, leaving us freer and freer from hurts from the past.
I find it particularly helpful with parenting, when our children will many many times help us connect to the inner children inside of us and the hurts we’ve experienced in the past.
Today it helped me heal some past hurts and protect my son from raging at him; and help me return to spaciousness and joy!
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If you want to learn more about developing your relationships with your own Inner Loving Crew, and the Inner Loving Presence Process, here are some free resources:
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE ebook – LOVE YOURSELF MORE www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/ebook/
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE Taster www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/free-taster/
TANGIBLE WAYS FOR SELF COMPASSION AND INNER HEALING #4 INNER LOVING PRESENCING
I love the sense of presence, support and love that I receive from my Inner Loving Mother.
One of the very tangible ways is whenever I want to feel a deep sense of calm in my nervous system, or when I’m feeling agitated, scared, or terrified, I can call on my Inner Loving Mother to be with me.
There are certain presencing positions where I experience that inner connection.
One of the most powerful ways is putting my right hand on my forehead and my left arm around my middle.
I find that the touch, along with Inner Loving Mother words, “I’m right here with you” help me feel a deep sense of Inner Presencing.
For me, my Inner Loving Mother and the rest of my Inner Presences (or Inner Loving Crew) are very much body-based, physiological, nervous system supports.
I will always remember Jen, one of the very early adopters of the Inner Loving Crew work, saying, “I will never be alone again.”
I’m also reminded of Lawrence Cohen’s The Opposite of Worry book, where he talks about the need for us to have a calm nervous system if we’re wanting to communicate a sense of calm to our child if they are feeling worried.
For me, my Inner Loving Mother and the rest of my ILC help me have so much more resources and capacity than I would otherwise have.
And of course, we do need and want external support and empathy.
The beauty is, the more we change our inner relationships to deeply supportive, the more willing we are to receive that loving support from the outside too, which means more of what I call our Outer Loving Crew!
My hand on my forehead is my most Presencing Inner Loving Mother position.
I also find that putting my hands over my heart, or on my thighs, is beautifully supportive and resourcing, and those are things that I can do anywhere!
I wonder if you have a favourite presencing position and what you would love to receive from your Inner Loving Crew, both in terms of touch and words?
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If you want help with developing your self compassion and connecting with your own Inner Loving Crew, I have some free resources:
Unconditional Love Meditation (free!) https://soundcloud.com/lovingbeing/unconditional-love-meditation
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE ebook – LOVE YOURSELF MORE www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/ebook/
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE Taster www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/free-taster/
TANGIBLE WAYS FOR SELF COMPASSION AND INNER HEALING #5 PRESENCE WITH UNCOMFORTABLE PHYSICAL SENSATIONS
I LOVE this tangible form of self love.
I often use this in the middle of the night, if I wake up and I feel some discomfort somewhere in my body – such as a stomach ache, period pain or a headache.
I put my hands on that part of my body, and I channel my Inner Loving Mother.
I find that my hands can easily feel that loving warmth, and it pours into that part of my body.
My Inner Loving Mother, who is the archetype of unconditional love, will say things like,
“How are you feeling, lovely stomach?
I’m here. I’m listening.
Ahhh, I hear the feeling….
I’m here with you.
I’m right here with you.
I love you.”
As I feel the warmth and the loving words, and the listening, I often find that the sensations move to different parts of my body.
And eventually, the discomfort generally leaves.
This is such a simple and lovely thing to do and has many times really helped me, especially in the middle of the night!
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If you want help with developing your self compassion and connecting with your own Inner Loving Mother and the rest of your Inner Loving Crew, I have some free resources:
Unconditional Love Meditation (free!) https://soundcloud.com/lovingbeing/unconditional-love-meditation
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE ebook – LOVE YOURSELF MORE www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/ebook/
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE Taster www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/free-taster/
TANGIBLE WAYS FOR SELF COMPASSION AND INNER HEALING #6 SELFCOMPASSION ON WAKING UP EACH MORNING
This is one of my favourites!
Every morning, when I first wake up, the first thing I do is connect with my Inner Loving Mother.
She’s the archetype of unconditional love.
So, She usually says something like, “How are you this morning, sweetheart?”
Or, I’ll invite her unconditionally loving presence to start with loving my feet.
Starting with my feet is just something that happened and I really love it.
(I was wondering this morning if it is because I was breech, and the start of each new day reminds me of how I first came into the world!)
Connecting with my Inner Loving Mother isn’t just about the words.
When I choose to connect with her, I also focus on my breathing – there’s an out breath, and a bringing my awareness to my body.
There’s a tangible, felt sense of unconditional love, of relaxing into my body, of feeling the loving support that is always available to me.
She says all kinds of loving words,
“I love you.
I’m here with you.
I’m listening.
I’m right here.”
She offers me loving empathy if I’ve woken up with painful feelings.
There’s a deep sense of relief and relaxation, of Inner Presencing which I LOVE as my foundation and start to the day.
I wonder if you feel called to, or already do, have an inner loving conversation when you first wake up?
And if you have a baby or child or children and are woken up by them in the morning, I have some suggestions in my next post, Outer Loving Mother, Inner Loving Mother, Outer Loving Mother.
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If you want help with developing your self compassion and connecting with your own Inner Loving Mother and the rest of your Inner Loving Crew, I have some free resources:
Unconditional Love Meditation (free!) https://soundcloud.com/lovingbeing/unconditional-love-meditation
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE ebook – LOVE YOURSELF MORE www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/ebook/
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE Taster www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/free-taster/
TANGIBLE WAYS FOR SELF COMPASSION AND INNER HEALING #7 HEALING PAST FEARS
Often, our reactions in the present are actually feelings from the past, coming up to be heard and healed.
I use my Inner Loving Presence Process for this.
Here’s an example from this morning.
I was at our local farmers’ market with my children and was talking to someone.
At that moment, I felt fear, and the thought, “I’m afraid that they will judge me when they see him.”
Ostensibly, the fear and the statement were in relation to my son – his hair wasn’t brushed and the phrase fitted for that.
But the feelings were bigger, so I knew they were about the past.
So later, after dropping my daughter off with a friend, I did my Inner Loving Presence Process.
I’d already found the charged phrase; “I’m afraid that they will judge me when they see him.”
And immediately I knew what it was referring to, because I have already done some inner work around this.
(Otherwise, I would have asked, “What does this remind me of?”)
It was about my dad when I was younger.
I asked, “how old do I feel?”
The answer was, “12” – which makes sense, because my son is 12, and we are often called to listen to the inner children that are the same age as our outer children.
My dad was very alternative, back in the day when that was really unusual where we lived, in England.
He had a beard when noone else’s dads had beards.
He deeply cared about the environment and would pick up bits of wood where he found them, to bring them home for firewood – when everyone else I knew had central heating.
He picked up bits of rubbish whenever he found them, to put them in the bin.
On walks, he would carry a drink of water or milk in an old jam jar, when everyone else was into plastic.
I often think of him now, how much he would fit in, now that beards on men are in fashion and getting your smoothie in a jam jar is the height of Instagram sharings!
Anyway, back to the ILPP>
My Inner Loving Mother and Inner Loving Father listened to my 12 year old self.
“We hear that you feel scared when you think people are judging you because of him. Your fear is so welcome here. Of course you don’t want to be judged. We’re here to listen to every bit of that fear so it can flow through you and out.”
I felt relief immediately.
My fear was welcome.
I connected in more. I realised, as a highly sensitive child, being judged was like being physically hit; it was so painful.
Along with my ILM and ILF, I felt deep compassion for that younger me.
Next they asked 12 year old me what I needed:
“I need to be loved and appreciated,”
They heard that need, and then a funny thing happened.
I felt infused with unconditional love and appreciation.
I could feel the love and appreciation that 12 year old me had been longing for.
So, whereas often I would need to go through the next stages of the process, here I already felt the love.
The fear had moved through, and then the love was free to be there.
12 year old me could then feel such love for my dad – so ahead of his time, and so willing to stand for his values.
I felt infused with love for the next while.
And I deeply trust that each time I do a process like this, I free up my children.
I believe that our children not only have their own journey, but they are also messengers who will literally embody things to help us heal old hurts.
The less I have that charged thought, “I’m afraid that they will judge me when they see him,” the less my son will need to do things that embody that.
The more I heal, the more I can be unconditionally loving towards my children.
I LOVE the Inner Loving Presence Process and the layers of healing I have done through it.
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If you’d like to learn more about the Inner Loving Presence Process, I have an
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE Taster www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/free-taster/
Outer Loving Mother, Inner Loving Mother, Outer Loving Mother.
If you’re wanting to be more compassionate towards yourself and towards your child/ren, you might enjoy this.
Over the years, in myself and in working with mothers who have done my Inner Loving Presence Process Course and Inner Loving Mother, Outer Loving Mother Immersion, that there’s a three stage process that many mothers go through:
1 First there is the consciously choosing to be compassionate to our children.
This is often learning things that we didn’t experience in the culture and time we grew up in – such as empathy for feelings, listening to needs, compassionate mirroring, and looking for the real causes of less enjoyable behaviour.
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2 Then, we internalise those experiences and start responding to our own inner children in those compassionate ways.
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3 Then, the experience of receiving those responses for our inner children helps us understand first hand how wonderful it is to be treated in those ways, helps us have more clarity about what is most helpful to hear, and also helps us feel more resourced and more full of love ~ which helps us respond in even more loving ways to our children.
(and this cycle continues and continues, in a beautiful way!)
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Here’s some more detail about this process:
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1 Listening compassionately to a child’s upset feelings:
Our child might be crying and we might hold them in our arms and say, “I hear you. I’m listening. I love you. I’m right here with you,” whilst we have a deep sense of presence, calm and compassion in our bodies.
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2 Transferring that same kind of love to our own selves or inner children
(one hack is if you cosleep and your child wakes you up in the morning, you could hold them or have your hand on their back and feel the love that you have through your hand to them, and then put your hand on your own heart with a similar quality)
You might have a sense of your own Inner Loving Mother having the same quality of presence you have with your child, speaking the same words to you: “I hear you. I’m listening. I love you. I’m right here with you,” as we receive that deep sense of presence, calm and compassion in our bodies.
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3 The more we experience that love, and the more we understand which words and phrases resonate and feel wonderful to receive, and the more we feel filled that deep sense of unconditional love, the more effortless it is for us to share that love with our children, “I hear you. I’m listening. I love you. I’m right here with you,” with our loving presence coming naturally from our own experience of inner loving.
So many times I have heard from mothers that their own capacity to be with their child’s painful feelings has dramatically increased through developing their relationship with their Inner Loving Mother.
I love this Outer Loving Mother, Inner Loving Mother, Outer Loving Mother process!
I wonder if you resonate!
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I wonder if you’d like some really TANGIBLE suggestions for things that you can say to your child and yourself at different times?
I have an Inner Loving Mother, Outer Loving Mother ebook www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/ilm/
It’s AUD$6
It’s a 48 page ebook, (and there’s also 76 minute audio and video versions if you prefer those ways of taking in information!)
In this book, I show you HOW your internal dialogue, and your relationship with yourself is like it is. I explain how you can change your relationship with yourself. We look at how this can also profoundly affect your responses to your children, in ways that you may well LOVE!
You really do have the power to stop judging yourself, and to start loving yourself! I’m sure you’ve heard that phrase so often; “Just love yourself!” But what does self-love actually mean; what does it look like; and HOW EXACTLY can we love ourselves!?
I show you in really tangible ways, including actions you can take as your ILM and your OLM, words you can use to yourself and your child/ren, and translations, such as from guilt to empathy, and from judgment to empathy, and what you can say after doing things you regret or your child acting in ways that you don’t enjoy. I also talk about the repetition compulsion and how we can help ourselves heal so we don’t keep repeating them with our child/ren.
TANGIBLE WAYS FOR SELF COMPASSION AND INNER HEALING #8 TRUSTING MY INTUITION AND INNER KNOWING:
In the Inner Loving Presence Process, one of the first questions we can ask is, “How old do I feel?”
People often say to me, “but I don’t get an answer,” and the process can be completely effective without knowing the age.
AND I’ve found something really interesting as a by-product of asking myself the question so many times.
When I first started, I often didn’t get an age, or would second-guess myself.
Over time, the age came more and more quickly and certainly.
Now it comes straight away, and with deep clarity.
And I’ve found that this has transferred to so many other things in my life.
If I’m not really sure if I want to do something, I can simply ask myself, “Do I really want to do this?” and the answer will come immediately, either yes or no.
If I want to know if something is ‘right’ for me, the answer comes straight away.
I’ve found a deep deep sense of trust in my intuition and inner knowing.
I LOVE this! It’s made SUCH a difference in my life.
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If you’d like to learn more about the Inner Loving Presence Process, I have the first few days of the course as a free taster:
Inner Loving Presence Process FREE Taster www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/free-taster/
“And the Great Mother said:
Come my child and give me all that you are.I am not afraid of your strength and darkness.. of your fear and pain.Give me your tears. They will be my rushing rivers and roaring oceans.Give me your rage. It will erupt into my molten volcanoes and rolling thunder.Give me your tired spirit. I will lay it to rest in my soft meadows.Give me your hopes and dreams. I will plant a field of sunflowers and arch rainbows in the sky.You are not too much for me. My arms and heart welcome your true fullness. There is room in my world for all of you, all that you are.I will cradle you in the boughs of my ancient redwoods and the valleys of my gentle rolling hills.My soft winds will sing you lullabies and soothe your burdened heart.Release your deep pain. You are not alone and you have never been alone.” ~ Linda Reuther from Homecoming
I love this beautiful poem from Linda Reuther.
And I love how deeply this matches my experience of my Inner Loving Mother, and the experiences of others who have done this work.
When an Inner Loving Presence Process Course member shared it with me, I had tingles – because these are things that I’ve heard from others.
Jen said, on connecting with her Inner Loving Mother, “I will never feel alone again.”
My Inner Loving Mother often says, “I love you exactly as you are.”
I am passionate about these tangible ways for us to feel deeply physically and emotionally held by our Inner Loving Mother, and the Great Mother of the earth.
I wonder what you would like to hear from The Great Mother, and your own Inner Loving Mother?
What are you most longing to hear?
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If you’d like to learn more about the Inner Loving Presence Process, which includes connecting with our Inner Loving Mother, I have an Inner Loving Presence Process FREE Taster www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/free-taster/
HOW GIVING SUPPORT TO MY INNER CHILDREN HELPS ME RECEIVE MORE SUPPORT FROM OTHERS TOO:
Pottery again with my daughter last night!I’m so grateful that I know exactly when an inner child is in the fore of my being. Last night, one showed up as I was potting at the wheel; “I can’t do it”, she said.
Her, “I can’t do it” was so strong and so powerful.I knew it was her, from her words and from the matching body sense and feelings I had. I could have stayed with her in the driving seat all evening.
Given that the phrase went along with wanting to cry, wanting to stop, wanting to leave, wanting to give up, I don’t know if I would have made any pots!In years past, my inner children were in the driver’s seat most of the time.
Nowadays, me and my Inner Loving Crew can listen to them when they show up.
Last night, we said to her, “oh sweetheart, we hear you. You’re thinking that you can’t do it. We’re listening. We’re here with you.”I realised that part of me really needed to receive encouragement.So me and my Inner Loving Crew said to her something like, “We’re here with you. We will help you. We understand that this is new for you, and we are here to help. We’ll hold your hand. There’s no right or wrong. You’re learning a new thing. We are right here with you.”The presence and encouragement sank in, and this inner child felt relieved.
And a few moments later, the teacher came and gave me some really practical help about how to position my hands and my body, and I could feel my ability moving to the next level.If he had come round before, that inner child part of me wouldn’t have been able to receive the guidance.
She was too much in the freeze of, “I can’t do this.”
Giving my inner children love and support helps them increase their capacity to receive more love and support from others.
Often our not receiving the support we so want can be related to our inner relationships.
Receiving support on the inside = more ease and willingness to receive support on the outside.
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My Inner Loving Presence Process Course: http://www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/
xoxoxox
How my Inner Loving Mother has helped me in sessions and workshops:
Having my Inner Loving Mother has helped me in every area of my life.
Having the Inner Presencing support of my Inner Loving Mother keeps me stay present with myself.
Several years ago, I used to run workshops in different cities in Australia – Sydney and Melbourne.
I would go for 3 or 4 days and run several groups – often my Love Being a Mother immersions, and Aware Parenting workshops.
After the first day, I would start to tense up my muscles. I’d have sore thighs and a headache.
And this was despite working with clients for 20 years; first in psychotherapy, then hypnotherapy, then Hypnobirthing, then calm birth, then Aware Parenting.
But things changed once I had developed a relationship with my Inner Loving Crew.
I could stay deeply present with myself throughout sessions and workshops.
If countertransference feelings or my own feelings bubbled up during sessions, I started putting my hands on my thighs and my Inner Loving Mother would say, “I’m here with you. I’m right here,” and that way I could stay deeply present with the person I was working with.
Because I was staying present with myself, there was then no tension, no sore thighs, no headaches.
Because I had that inner presencing, I could easily have 5 sessions a day and some course live trainings and still feel relaxed and connected with myself.
The other thing I would experience earlier on was a spike of fear before running new workshops.
The more of the Inner Loving Presence Process I did, the more I knew that when the fear showed up, it was younger parts of me that were showing up.
So, standing in my loving presence, from my Inner Loving Mother, I could say to that 6 year old me, “I hear that you’re scared, sweetheart. I’m right here with you. And you don’t need to run this workshop. I am running the workshop. You can come with me and hide behind my skirts, or do some colouring next to me, or you can stay at home with the rest of the Inner Loving Crew.”
These have made such a difference to me.
As someone who used to be scared or terrified nearly all of the time, I feel so much more at ease.
As an ongoing practice, whenever I feel feel fear, for example, my Inner Loving Mother says straight away, “I hear you, sweetheart, and I’m right here with you,” and my nervous system almost always immediately relaxes.
I believe that this is a natural developmental process that we would have gained as children had we grown up in a culture where presence and compassion for feelings was what everyone did – we would have internalised it.
I’m grateful to say that we can do that internalising process as adults, and we can vastly transform our inner relationships and sense of inner presencing.
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And if you want some reassurance that this really can change your
inner dialogue and help you heal old hurts, here are some testimonials from past participants of the Inner Loving Presence Process Course:
“It is the best money I have ever spent on a course or healing modality. I am a Naturopath, Bowen Therapist & vibrational medicine specialist… I really feel like this inner work is leading me to the missing piece of the puzzle. The healing is so complete. It’s not easy, but it’s beautiful. Thankyou Marion.” ~ Erin
“I cannot recommend this course more highly.” ~ Megan
“One of the most helpful courses I’ve ever taken … And I’ll add, when I first started it, I had NO CLUE and only a thread of hope that my inner dialogue could change so much. But Marion makes it all so easy and accessible through the materials available. And I love the different formats it’s all available in. I’m more of a reader of the written word, so I could read the info, whereas others could choose to watch a video of Marion talking or listen to an audio. These days, I’m starting every day with at least a little word of acknowledgement or encouragement from my ‘Inner Loving Mother’ (who, unsurprisingly, sounds a lot like Marion) and it sets a really positive tone for my day.” ~ Wendy
“What I feel like I’ve discovered is that I will always be supported, I will always have an inner strength to call on. I will always have someone (if not many people) on my side. To me, this is profound.I feel equipped, like I have a secret internal toolbox just for me. This feels special and unique and makes me feel strong and capable.What I hope is that now that I have connected, I will remain connected with my ILC and we will continue to consciously walk through life together.My eternal gratitude to you Marion, for sharing such wisdom, love and light and enabling us to feel such compassion for ourselves, so that we can also feel such compassion for others and towards the world. Much love to you xxx”~ Kirsty
“This week, I’ve had this realization that I actually love myself. It sounds kooky…. But I was sobbing and sobbing, feeling fear and all that came to me from my Inner Loving Mother was deep love and compassion. And I remembered a time when I’d beat myself up over any time I wasn’t “perfect.” I’d say awful hateful degrading things to myself in my head. Things I’d never say to another person. And I realized, “gosh! This love and compassion, now, my Inner Loving Mother, is coming from ME!” All I’ve been able to do this session is check in with my Inner Loving Mother and somehow it happened that I just learned how to love myself. Thank you so so much. My life (most especially, my inner life) wouldn’t be the same today if I hadn’t found your course. And, as we all know, the inner impacts the outer to an immeasurable degree.” ~ Sasha
“Best course ever! Invaluable!!!” ~ Titti
“ I am curious if the ILPP is the greatest parenting tool I have ever explored and indirectly applied because when I heal those past hurts it gives me practice and kicks in when I need to give that kind of empathy to my own little children in their moments of hurt and fear.” ~ Kylie
“The ILPP powerfully guides us in firmly establishing a new inner dialogue that is loving and respectful, which in turn naturally and effortlessly shifts the way we outwardly communicate and interact with our loved ones.” ~ Devon
“I have found Marion’s ILPP to be so helpful for healing my inner wounded child and to create new loving inner dialogues…this has been so helpful in many ways. One significant way is learning how to offer myself love and empathy when I’m really struggling with my kids/family, and helped me break my cycle of guilt and negative self talk. I found it a really amazing thing to do…realising that I need to hear what I want my kids to hear from me, and helping to show me a way I can do this for myself and helped me realise and accept at another level that I can’t rely on someone else to give me the love and acceptance that my wounded inner child needs to feel heard and feel safe. I really don’t know where I’d be without this realisation and practice in my journey….it’s helped me significantly.” ~ Gemma
“Dear Marion, just wanted to say BIG THANK YOU for putting this course together… I am working on ILM part right now, and wow what a difference I see in myself in just 2 weeks… I have a lot more compassion for other people!! And for myself, too. Thank you so much! This is empowering and inspiring.” ~ Edita
“Wow. Just Wow. All the love here. The things the Inner Loving Mothers here are pouring. It is so inspiring to me and I am so deeply moved. This will change my life! Thank you everyone – again. I hope you all know how absolutely amazing you are!” ~ Pernille.
“I love Marion’s Inner Loving Presence Process Course. It brings together so many of the learnings, philosophies and practices I love and journeying with it is what is helping me keep moving.” ~ Kerri
“I just wanted you to know that I love what you do and give to me and the world…. You have changed my life.I have spent many years of my life thinking I need fixing. I have been to counselling, naturopaths, homeopaths, massage therapists… and interestingly, all women therapists….I think I have been searching for someone to take care of me, like a Mother…And now I know I can find her inside of me… my Inner Loving Mother. Just like Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Lion… everything I’ve been searching for, has been mine all along….” ~ Pip
“Wow. Just wow. I am at a loss for words that can accurately express just how profoundly moved and relieved I feel reading your comments here (in the FB group). The outpouring of empathy, love, compassion, support, acceptance, resonance and invitations for connection is like nothing I’ve ever known.” ~ Sami
“This is hands down the best, most empowering form of therapeutic process I have come across in all my years. Why? Because it puts YOU in the drivers seat. One of the core elements of social work is respect for autonomy, which is often hard to achieve because of the power differences between the professional and the client, which means you will always have a risk of be paternal towards them, believing you (the therapist) knows better. The ILPP turns that on its head, because you don’t need a therapist in order to heal and do this deep and profound inner work, and even if you do have a therapist to do it with you, there is no sense of them trying to do the healing for you, they simply provide the presence for you to reflect off of so that you can see yourself more clearly. It is truly amazing. Thank you Marion for this incredible creation.” ~ Natalie
“I love Marion Rose’s Inner Loving Presence Process, which is a distillation of all her years of experience. It is an amazingly straightforward, yet rich, way of connecting with ourselves and healing the hurts that we all carry from our pasts. It is a structured way of listening to ourselves, bringing compassion, gaining insight and facilitating deep healing of the sweet spots that keep popping up in our everyday lives in the form of painful emotional reactions. And I love that it incorporates elements of a variety of approaches that I have learned about and valued in my experience as a psychologist and a mum, including non-violent communication, self-compassion, aware parenting, attachment and trauma healing, somatic psychotherapy, Imago therapy, and so much more! Marion’s Inner Loving Presence Process Course gently guides you through the process and its applications and offers amazing support along the way.” ~ Sam
“I met my inner loving mother yesterday for the first time. She was there waiting for me, she hold me and said:’ I’m here with you. I love you. I am listening. you are beautiful and special. you can do or be anything you desire. I believe in you! ‘She said that anytime I need her she is with me and I feel it on my back as she puts her hand there. ‘I walk with you in this.’ After meeting her I felt a breeze and saw the air vibrating in front of me.I knew she was there. I felt loved and cherished. I have missed her for so long and now she is here.Thank you. I know I’m not alone.” ~ Liisa-Maria
“i’ve been LOVING giving myself and my child 5 minutes of empathy each day, and used it today to diffuse and create some compassionate space around a disagreement with my husband... after just a few quiet moments i came to such a peaceful resolution, and felt space around my reactions in such a beautiful way! Marion Rose, i just wanted to thank you for your inspiring and caring teachings, and the space they give us as mothers! i am often using the inner loving mother process too, and it is absolutely amazing how it takes the “wind out of my sails” of self judgment and harsh-ness! SO SO NECESSARY for this work-in-progress-mama! but more and more i am finding myself choosing this deep compassion for myself, which makes the compassion i have cultivated for others SO MUCH MORE AUTHENTIC!” ~ Sarah
“ ILM and ILF have been very helpful for me to heal some past hurts/hurdles for me to move forward into being the mother and woman that I truly am. I absolutely love that the power is within ourselves. It’s like when Glinda tells Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz that she’d had the power to go home all along ” ~ Cat
“For me, finding my ILM & more recently my ILF has also been wonderfully life changing…I will never be alone again.” ~ Jen
“And it never gets old! Those inner relationships just keep getting better and more potent and more juicy by the day. I cannot speak highly enough of this offering by Marion…life changing, life enhancing, life healing. I’m so grateful for you and your work.” ~ Jennifer ???
There are two key ways that we can tell that our past is showing up in the present.
One is when we are judging ourselves, feeling guilt or shame, comparing ourselves to others, or second guessing our intuition or calling.
That’s because those are all internalised ways of responding to ourselves.
Growing up in this culture, we learnt to internalise guilt-thoughts, thoughts that there was something wrong with us (leading to shame), comparison, and general judgment.
We needed to learn to think in these ways, to belong, to be safe, to be included and to be loved.
But any time we respond to ourselves in those ways, we are responding from the past.
Those are ways of thinking and responding that come from the past.
There are very tangible ways that we can replace that dialogue with responses from the present.
Our true nature is love.
Our true loving presence responds with loving compassion.
One way to tell this is – if your bestie was experiencing what you’re experiencing when you judge, guilt, shame, compare or second-guess yourself, what would you say to her? How would you respond?
That response is your present response.
The harshness is old, past-tense, being rehashed.
We can gradually replace that old inner dialogue, in really tangible ways, with compassion instead.
For example, where we feel guilt after doing something we wish we hadn’t, instead we can replace that with compassionate inner dialogue, both for the value that we didn’t live by, and whatever was going on that caused us to act in that way.
With our Inner Loving Crew, we can gradually replace all the old fashioned harshness with present-moment compassion.
The second way that we can tell that our past is showing up in our present is when we have really big reactions to smaller events.
That might be, for example, that we feel rage when our child says, “no.”
These big feelings in response to apparently small things generally tell us that one of our inner children is here, sharing some feelings that she didn’t get to express and have lovingly heard the first time around.
In my twenties, I lived a lot of my life from my inner children.
Nowadays, when my inner children show up, I respond lovingly to them, listening to them with loving presence, giving them what they needed to experience back then.
I love them and listen to them, and live from them a lot lot less than I used to!
Again, there are really tangible ways we can respond to our Inner Children when they show up – for me I use the Inner Loving Presence Process.
These Inner Presences, and the Inner Loving Presence Process are both ways to help us increasingly live IN the present moment, with loving presence for what shows up in us.
You can find out more about the course HERE: http://www.innerlovingpresenceprocess.com/
Quiet doesn’t necessarily mean calm. Repression and dissociation look calm on the outside but don’t feel calm on the inside.
I remember when I was in my twenties, and people would often say to me, “you’re so calm.”
A lot of the time, I wasn’t calm. I just had a lot of ways to repress my feelings and dissociate from them.
In our culture, we often miss the difference between true calm and what appears to be calm on the outside, but often feels very different on the outside.
A baby sucking on their thumb might look calm.
A toddler clutching on to a soft toy all day might look calm.
An older child biting their nails might look calm.
A teen with hunched shoulders and clenched fists might look calm.
An adult who doesn’t say much might look calm.
But often, apparent outer calm comes at an expense.
In our culture, having the capacity to be compassionately present with the feelings of a baby or child can be quite rare.
Often, the urge is to keep a baby or child quiet, to make sure that all their needs are met, to stop them from feeling upset.
And of course it’s a wonderful thing to do all that we can to meet the needs of a baby or child, and to respond with prompt attunement.
But sometimes this can mean we miss being present with them whilst they’re feeling uncomfortable.
A baby or child who has upset feelings to express, (rather than unmet needs to be met), needs an adult to be with them who has the capacity to be present with their own upset feelings, so that they can stay lovingly present in their body with the baby or child’s feelings.
When we haven’t gained the capacity to stay present with our own uncomfortable feelings, (generally because the adults around us when we were growing up couldn’t stay present in their bodies when we were upset), then it can be very hard for us to stay present with our baby or child when she has feelings to share with us.
Babies and children have real feelings.
Despite our most loving and aware attention, it’s inevitable that all babies and children will at times feel overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, scared and sad.
And for some babies and children, because of the experiences they’ve had, there will be a lot more of those feelings present.
A baby sucking on their thumb with a glazed look in their eyes might look calm, but they may be doing that to prevent themselves feeling the feelings in their body.
A child picking their nose, twirling their hair, biting their nails or gazing into space might look calm, but they might be doing those things to prevent themselves being present with what they are feeling.
And we will see the inner agitation at other times – such as when they take ages to go to sleep, or wake up frequently at night, or find it hard to sit still or concentrate.
True relaxation in the body feels completely different.
I wonder if you can recall the differences in yourself.
Do you remember a time when outwardly you seemed calm, but internally you were clenching your teeth, tightening your shoulders, tensing your thighs?
And another time where you felt a deep deep sense of inner calm where you could see everything clearly, felt deeply connected with others and life, and felt a deep sense of relaxing into the chair or the bed or the floor?
The more we increase our own capacity to be compassionately and lovingly present with the sensations and feelings in our bodies, the more capacity we have to be empathically present with the feelings that our babies and children feel.
The more we can be with them during their upset and uncomfortable feelings, the more capacity they gain to stay present in their bodies with all their feelings, free to let uncomfortable feelings flow through them rather get lodged and stagnant in their bodies.
One of the ways to increase our own capacity is to be with other adults who can stay present in their bodies whilst we are upset, mirroring lovingly that it’s safe to feel those feelings and let them flow through us.
I wonder if you have people in your life with whom you feel that sense of attainment and safety to feel your feelings?
I wonder what helps you feel truly relaxed in your body and nervous system?
I wonder which moments stand out for you when you contemplate your journey with compassion so far?
Here are mine:
As a child and teen, I felt deeply connected with animals and the suffering of animals. I loved spending time with the 4 cats and 2 rabbits that lived with us. I changed my diet and my lifestyle to correspond with this. I remember going on marches against animal vivisection as a 14 and 15 year old.
In 1992: I walked into a second hand book shop in Cambridge, where I was doing my PhD on the mother-infant relationship and found a copy of The Continuum Concept. I cried and cried as I read it; and felt so much deep compassion for babies in our culture, and how much has been lost in the West.
Later in the 1990’s I found Frederick Leboyer’s book Birth without Violence, and reading the descriptions of a baby’s experience of birth, I felt such huge compassion and empathy for the experiences of babies, and also my own baby self and what I experienced as a newborn.
Training in psychospiritual psychotherapy, also in the 1990’s deepened my understanding of the experiences of others. So much of the training was in our year group, with each of us at various times sharing deeply painful experiences – there was crying, raging, and a multitude of experiences of emotional pain that opened my heart up to us humans in a very new way.
Coming across Aware Parenting in 2001 had a profound effect on my capacity for compassion. It really helped me shift away from some old fashioned perspectives as I increasingly realised that all harsh behaviour stems from harsh ways of thinking, unmet needs or unexpressed painful feelings. I shifted away from the belief in ‘bad’ people to finding a sense of shared humanity and compassion for all humans.
The next big piece was Nonviolent Communication, which I learnt of in 2002. I remember first reading Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication book and having the sense of my old ways of thinking getting scrambled and reconstructed. I learnt to translate all judgment into feelings and needs, and found an even deeper sense of compassion for all. I also learnt more about giving and receiving empathy than I had in all my years of psychotherapy training!
As ideas of badness, wrongness, guilt, shame and punishment flew out the window, everything changed for me.
But then it was a very personal experience that was my next step in my compassion journey.
In the space of a year, I had a spectacular falling out with my male mentor, my dad died, and my marriage ended.
I was flooded with so many big feelings. And my son was too – he went from a deep calm, presence and gentleness to hitting and head butting many times a day. I was in so much pain that I often didn’t react in ways that I know are most helpful from an AwP perspective, and many times didn’t protect my daughter from getting hurt. I was in my own powerlessness and many times did things that didn’t fit with my values.
This, of all the things, brought compassion in ways I couldn’t have comprehended before.
I could feel compassion for any parent, whatever they did or didn’t do, because I knew from first hand experience that harsh behaviour comes from inner pain.
Over the next few years, my own healing process after divorce, and lovingly listening to all my feelings so that I could stay compassionately connected with my children and their Dad and their sibling-mother and new siblings was another powerful compassion deepening process.
And then with my Inner Loving Mother work, my own capacity to be deeply compassionate with ALL of my needs, feelings, behaviours, repression mechanisms and callings, and thus to the needs, feelings, behaviours, repression mechanisms and callings of others, was the next part of the journey.
I am passionate about compassion!
As an antidote to guilt and shame, blame and powerlessness, harshness and all kinds of hurt, I find it second to none!
I believe that deepening our compassion for ourselves, for others, for all of life and our planet is an evolutionary calling.
I believe that widening our compassion to become global citizens is an urgent invitation at this time.
And I had a calling to bring together a space for the exploration and deepening of compassion.
The name came – The Compassion Club.
Club, not in the sense of people not in the club being excluded, but in the sense of community, inclusion and belonging.
In The Compassion Club:
A FB group with an inherent culture of compassion;
A weekly offering from me – either a compassion meditation, a masterclass, a compassion offering in a FB live, or a live training.
An opportunity to receive compassion within the FB group from each other.
This is like a membership offering – so there is a payment each month and the opportunity to leave whenever you want.
The link is here: https://marionrose.samcart.com/products/the-compassion-club/
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