When our child doesn’t do what we want, or keeps on doing something that we don’t want, there are three main options we have in terms of power.
We can feel powerlessness, which often means frustrated too, and we then either give up on getting our needs met, thus feeling resentful or flat and depressed.
We might then shift into power-over, which stems from believing that this is the only way we can get our needs met.
Power-over is where we use our greater physical, mental and emotional power to make our child do something.
(Included in that category str shaming, guilting into action, or offering two options, neither of which address the cause of the child’s behaviour or their needs.)
The third option is power-with.
This means taking into account both our needs and feelings, and our child’s needs and feelings. Power-with requires us to prioritise connection and to believe that we can both get our needs met without either losing out. Power-with is based on a deep sense of connection and trust.
These are three very broad maps designed to illustrate tendencies in families (there are three separate diagrams!)
Often we may swing between different types of parenting, often from powerlessness to power-over.
We can help ourselves live from power-with parenting more of the time by:
Having a compassionate lens through which we see our child’s behaviour and our own;
Valuing our needs and choosing to act on them, so that our needs for choice and autonomy get met;
Receiving compassionate listening for how hard new paradigm parenting can be;
Doing what helps us feel most connected with our child/ren;
Doing what helps our children feel most connected with us (Present Time can help with both of these);
Understanding our own powerlessness sweet spots, and listening lovingly to those younger parts of us;
Helping ourselves connect to our true inner power and energy and interconnectedness.
True power comes from an innate sense of interconnectedness.
If you want to explore more about Power and Powerlessness in Parenting, I have a free course HERE and a longer course HERE.
Love,
Marion xoxox