Recently I have seen so clearly how my own emotional state as a mother has a huge influence on my children.
Lately, I’ve been happy, present, playful, and calm. But just a few days ago something was obviously bubbling. My son had a friend over and I decided to re-arrange a whole play area. I could feel myself getting increasingly disconnected from myself, from my children, and from my son’s friend, as the day wore on.
Each day I noticed myself eating more chocolate, spending more time on the Internet, feeling more disconnected from myself and my children, and more fed up.
My main three control patterns got more and more evident – eating chocolate, Internet use, and creating order.
I see over and over again that if I stop a control pattern but don’t address the underlying feelings and beliefs, another control pattern comes in its place. For example, I gave up FaceBook but found myself obsessively looking at a particular website. I gave up buying things but got into getting rid of things in the same vein!
And each day I could see my children being more and more affected by the lack of connection they were receiving from me, the lack of play, and the lack of help with listening to their own feelings.
They had been deeply happy, connected and playful. Then my daughter started withdrawing and talking less, and my son wanted more computer time and started talking every day about when a toy he’d ordered would arrive.
My disconnection from myself and them led to them disconnecting from themselves.
Ouch.
The key then, is connecting with myself. Really listening to what is going on.
Any parenting strategy that we ‘try’ to implement whilst we are in a place of disconnection is likely to fall flat on it’s face. Children deeply need true, present, connection.
What a beautiful gift they give to us. We need to address our control patterns, listen to our own feelings, shift our own core beliefs, otherwise we will simply keep seeing challenging behaviour in our children.
So, I set a loving limit. With myself.
I got off the computer after a short while, and spent a couple of hours connecting with my children. I noticed feelings bubbling as I did that – in me – some fear and some sadness. But I stayed with it. When I woke the next morning, I again chose deep connection with them rather than rushing into getting breakfast ready or putting on the washing. When my son got upset later in the day, I connected with him easily, and we were soon laughing together.
I spent a few days with a client/friend and her children. More time away from my regular control patterns (my computer was full up so there was no Internet use available, and no ordering the house, and no chocolate around!), and being so present with her and her children, meant that when I came back to my own children, I was in that state still. I spent two days with my main focus just being with them. I avoided getting into ordering things, eating chocolate, and getting online. I hung the washing out and washed the floors, but I did them with presence and because they seemed to be required, rather than to avoid being present. I could see both of my children getting more and more relaxed and connected. I put my main priority as connection with them. And what a beautiful time we had! I see they literally get sparkly and fulfilled the more I am present. And of course, I could easily set loving limits where I could see that they were retreating from connecting with themselves. Such a beautiful gift. Connection with myself allows connection with them which facilitates connection with themselves.
I’m so grateful that I know about feelings and control patterns. My love for my children, my discomfort when I disconnect from myself and them, and clarity about how much that affects them, inspires me again and again to connect with what is really going on for me. Knowing that when I’m really present with myself, I’m able to be really present with them. Phew!!