Today I had a powerful conversation with my mum.
We were chatting, and she said to me, “you’ll have to….”
I said, “I don’t have to…”
And she had some big upset feelings in response.
Some time ago in the past, we would have gone from this point to a big argument, with both of us leaving feeling upset.
Nowadays, thanks to my Inner Loving Crew work, that didn’t happen.
I won’t go into details, but what I’d love to say is that I explained that when I hear, “have to” or “should,” I become little Marion, who often was told she had to do things or should do things, and my need for autonomy shows up. I want to choose.
And when she had the reaction she did to my saying that, she went into her little child, who was punished and told she was wrong, and she thought I was telling her that she had done something wrong.
We talked about how we overlay the past on the present, and keep on repeating the past in the present until it gets to be heard and healed.
Today we did another big piece of hearing those younger parts of us, how they felt, what they needed, and what they needed to hear.
I love that all that I’ve done over the years, particularly in responding with loving phrases to my children, then learning to respond with those phrases to myself, and then with my clients, meant that I could also say all those things to my Mum.
I told her, “you’ve never done anything wrong,” and, “there’s nothing wrong with you and there never has been.”
I love that we stayed connected, through some big feelings, and felt such a deep sense of intimacy and authenticity together.
I love that I could explain to her that those harsh things that she tells herself about herself are things that she internalised growing up, living in this culture, and that she can change those ways of seeing herself.
I love that, at 87, she agreed that she can change those ways of thinking about herself.
I’m so grateful to my Mum, and all the ways she’s open to things I share with her. I remember when I first started training as a psychotherapist, 27 years ago, I’d ask her and my Dad to sit in a circle and us all talk about how we feel.
One of the reasons I’m so passionate about supporting mothers in changing their inner dialogue is because when I was growing up, I saw how much she suffered from telling herself harsh things about herself.
Another reason is because I know how that felt from inside too, as I used to be filled with harsh self-talk, and almost constant shame and guilt. And now my inner dialogue is deeply compassionate.
So much of these changes are the result of my Inner Loving Crew practices.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE helping mothers change their inner dialogue from harshness and judgment to deep self-compassion.
I love doing that in my Inner Loving Presence Process Course.
xoxox