I see how far I’ve come in my inner relationships when I look back on my outer relationships.
One boyfriend would regularly call me, “Pooh brain” (I had a Ph.D. from Cambridge), and also at times called me, “ugly and skinny” and another time told me I “had no spark.”
I remember all the times I would cry, and how much pain I felt, hearing those kinds of things.
I also remember at the time that a friend used to tell me how sad she was that he treated me that way.
And yet, I really let those things in, because they were such a match for my inner dialogue.
I stayed. I was willing to be treated in those ways.
I want to say here that I am not saying that women are responsible for being treated harshly, and I also want to acknowledge that there are many situations and cultures where it is very very very hard or even impossible for a woman to leave.
To me, it’s really important that we acknowledge the very real social and historical culture and structure that we have come from, and within which many women still live.
I wasn’t in that position of not being able to leave for financial or safety reasons.
I was willing to be treated like that.
My inner dialogue was very similar to what I was hearing on the outside. It was very harsh. It was full of self-judgment, guilt and shame thoughts.
I find it hard to even remember what I said to myself, because those thoughts are so client to me now. But they included things like, “I’m so stupid,” and other really harsh things.
Now, my inner relationships and inner dialogue are completely different. There’s loads of compassion for my feelings, needs and behaviours.
If I were even tempted to be harsh to myself, I just wouldn’t believe that phrase. It would be like a magnet repelling another magnet.
I have a relationship with my Inner Beloved, who loves me unconditionally.
I remember several years ago, I saw a man being deeply present and unconditionally loving towards his partner and I felt deeply uncomfortable. I knew that I wouldn’t be comfortable being loved like that. And that I clearly had inner work to do in order to be willing.
The wonderful thing about the Inner Loving Crew relationships is that when our Inner Beloved (or Inner Loving Mother, or Inner Loving Father) say loving things to us and we feel uncomfortable, or want to push the love away, then those feelings can be welcomed and loved, as part of healing old hurts that get in the way of us being willing to receive the love that we want.
I’m not in a relationship with a man at the moment. For the past several years I’ve been focussing on my own inner relationships, including with my Inner Beloved.
I’ve looked at the lineage of how my dad responded to my mum, and further back than that too.
I have deep compassion for us all – for myself, for ex-partners, my parents, grandparents, and way back.
We are at the beginning of a new paradigm and the end of an old one, and I see that the relationships between men and women is part of the many things that are changing.
And as Life is constantly speaking to us, I wasn’t surprised that after writing this, I was driving and ever single song that ‘randomly’ showed up was all about receiving love. “On the wings of Love” started playing, and all around were birds flying – including a pair of herons.
As I drove home, the song, “It’s alright, Baby’s coming back” by the Eurythmics came on. And that was particularly powerful, because during a miscarriage, I was driving home from my acupuncturist’s, that song came on, and I saw it as a clear sign that I would be pregnant again, and I was, 3 months later, with my son who is now nearly 13.
Our outer relationships (and cultural norms) profoundly affect our inner relationships, which then affect our outer relationships.
Evolving our inner relationships helps us evolve our outer relationships.
If you want to develop your relationships with your Inner Loving Mother, Inner Loving Father, Inner Best Friend and Inner Beloved, my Inner Loving Presence Process Course is all about this!
xoxox