I had two moving and significant moments this week, and I’d like to share them with you.
I’m feeling so in love with my life right now. I finally have the sense of living in alignment with why I’m here, and my heart feels alive with energy and enthusiasm and gratitude
With that, I reflected back on two key moments in my past
One was when my ex-husband and I separated.
This week he popped in for a while and I was sharing my excitement about my Love Being a Mother course that started this week.
He reminded me of a couple of things. One was that when he was deciding about whether to leave, he had an incredibly powerful experience which very clearly told him that in the biggest scheme of things, was the best possible thing for everyone involved.
And although the deepest parts of me knew that at the time, I needed to allow the more outer parts of me time to catch up. And now they have.
The other thing was the idea that if highly sensitive people (Elaine Aronson) don’t need to work because there is enough money, they will generally hide and not share their gifts.
And that is so true for me. When my dad was alive and helping me financially, and my ex-husband was there to support me too, then I could easily hide away. I was doing a bit, but really hiding away because I was scared to shine my light.
This week, I reached another higher step of all parts of me knowing the ‘rightness’ of what happened.
I really don’t think I could be living my purpose in the way I am now if he and I were still together.
And if I hadn’t experienced the painfulness of hardly having enough money for food, and not being able to give my children what I really want to give them, then I don’t think I would have had the inner motivation to keep stepping over my fears again and again, as is required each step of the way as I’ve been doing in sharing what I have to offer the world.
This week the other significant piece slotted into place too.
Two and a half years ago, my-then teacher and I fell out. I had been on the brink of doing his new and next level of training which would have allowed me to teach his method.
I had been sitting on the fence with it – part of me so longed to do it, and part was wondering how I could share my own, more feminine way with the world.
In the space of a few emails, I was no longer his student, I wasn’t able to do any of his courses or do any of his trainings. I was so deeply shocked and hurt.
And again, although part of me even at the time could see some deeper meaning, all the surface parts of me haven’t been fully living that until this week.
And again what I see is, I couldn’t be doing what I’m doing now if I was out in the world teaching his method.
I’ve needed to find my own way, my own voice, my own message, my own purpose.
Paradoxically, I learnt from him the phrases, “Perhaps this apparent worst thing might turn out to be the best thing,” and “Who knows what’s good or bad?”
So, it’s two-and-a-half years after the falling out with him, and more than four years after the break-up with my ex-husband that I can fully feel the gifts in all parts of me.
And I feel tearful writing this.
And thinking of the third and most profound loss, which was the death of my dad six-and-a-half years ago.
And I know that he is still around me.
And yet the same is true.
He was always there, always willing and able to bail me out, or pay for another course, or give me the money to visit him and my mum in England.
So, whilst I miss him profoundly and wish he were still here in his body, I know that I would also not be sharing my gifts in this way if he were still here in the way that he was.
So as I sit here in tearful recognition of where I am at this juncture of my life, I’d love to invite you to do the same.
Are there experiences and events which, now when you reflect back on them, in retrospect have turned into great gifts?
I think its important that we don’t try to force this process too soon.
Although I’ve had these ideas in my mind right since those unwanted things happened, I’ve really allowed all the other feelings their place too – the grief, hurt, loss and disappointment.
I think those places in us need to be heard, and need their space, (whilst we hold the bigger picture in mind) until we can fully come to the point where we are able to embrace what happened as a gift.
Are you letting yourself mourn the losses and disappointments, the unexpected twists and turns in your life, so that all parts of you can find their rightful relationship with what happened?
As ever, I’d love to hear if you resonate with this.
Much love,
Marion