Hello again,
I am so loving writing every day. I’ve been wanting to write more for so long, and to find that I can get up early every morning and write (after I’ve taken the dog for a walk) is such a deep pleasure for me!
I’ve been wanting to write a new article about Loving Limits for so long, and here it is. Yay!!
Loving Limits are one of the key tools in the Aware Parenting box of magic. I looked up Limits in the Dictionary, and it says that the origin is, “1325-75; Middle English lymyt < Latin līmit- (stem of līmes) boundary,path between fields.” I love the path between fields, because Loving Limits do create paths of connection!
What are Loving Limits?
* Loving Limits are the marriage of the feminine principle of love (that we all have, whether a woman or a man) and the masculine principle of clarity and direction (ditto!).
* In our behaviour and language, we communicate a combination a deep sense of unconditional love with a clear limit to a behaviour.
* Often this is literally a pairing of loving empathy, (“I see that you’re upset, I see that you really want that, I’m here, I love you, I’m listening, I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help.”) With the limit, (“I won’t let you have any more, I’m not willing for you to, I’m not going to give you any more right now, mummy says no,”) all in a loving and connected tone of voice.
What AREN’T Loving Limits?
* Loving Limits aren’t harsh, punitive, disconnecting, shaming, angry, or anything of the kind.
Why would we use Loving Limits?
* At core, it is to help our child feel connected with themselves, their feelings and us. Stopping the behaviour is secondary to this. It’s not about stopping a behaviour without creating connection and the field for feelings.
* When our child is doing something that we know is repressing their feelings, and we want to help them connect to themselves, their feelings, and us.
* When our child is doing something that is ‘acting out’ – such as hitting, biting, throwing things, head butting, etc. which indicates painful feelings that they aren’t feeling safe enough to let out. The Loving Limits are designed to help them express the painful feelings in a way that truly creates release. (which acting out doesn’t)
When wouldn’t we use Loving Limits?
* If we want to simply get our child to cooperate, either to do something that we want them to do, or stop doing something that we don’t want them to do, but we’re not going for connection with themselves, us, and their feelings. That is just a limit.
* When Attachment Play is indicated (for example if your child is repressing feelings through things like sucking their thumb, clutching on to something all the time).
* When there simply isn’t enough connection to let the feelings flow.
How do we use Loving Limits?
* There are two ways – one is for when they are doing something that is repressing feelings, the other is when we want them to stop doing something that we could call ‘acting out’ that indicates painful feelings.
* When they are doing something that is repressing feelings, such as eating a whole packet of biscuits, we would give them empathy first, “You really love eating those biscuits, sweetheart,” followed by the limit, “and I’d like you to stop after that one.” Remember we are not going for just stopping the behaviour, we are going for a deep sense of connection so that our child can once again feel connected with herself, with us, and with what is really going on for her in the present moment that is underlying the behaviour. If it turns into tears or a tantrum, then our child is letting out the feelings that were causing the eating of the biscuits, and we can stay close, keep going for eye contact, keep loving her, keep giving her empathy and the limit if there are more feelings that need to be released.
* If they are doing something that Aletha Solter calls ‘acting out’ – e.g. hitting or biting, then it is more urgent for us to set the limit before the empathy. But the limit is still loving, connected, and empathic. e.g.. “I won’t let you hit Sammy.” – and if necessary, to use a physical limit, such as preventing his arm from striking the other child. Then comes the love, “I’m right here with you sweetheart, I see that you’re upset, I’m listening.”
How do Loving Limits work?
* In the case of repressing feelings, when our child feels loved, and at the same time we put a pattern interruption in to something that is either repressing their true feelings, or masking them, it helps her to reconnect with what is really going on for her. It helps her to come back to herself. It allows tears to flow, which were underneath. It creates reconnection. It allows her to come outwards from repression to herself.
* In the case of acting out, it does the opposite. It allows her to come back inwards to herself, to feel and release the feelings that are inside of herself.
What happens if we don’t get the balance of the Love and the Limit?
* If we are deeply empathic, but don’t really offer a limit, then our child will keep going for that thing that is keeping them away from the feelings – either through repression or acting out. They don’t have enough clear support to stop doing that.
* If we set a limit but aren’t empathic enough, our child won’t feel safe enough to feel the feelings that are underneath.
* Aletha Solter talks about the balance of attention in Aware Parenting. It is that balance of attention which creates the exact point for healing tears to flow (the balance of attention operates in healing laughter too!)
* In tangible terms, what will happen is our child will keep on doing that thing – either the repressing or the acting out!
Why can it be so hard for us to set Loving Limits?
* Mostly, because we haven’t experienced themselves. Our parents were either permissive (lots of empathy, not many limits), or authoritarian (lots of limits, not much empathy). In times of stress, we tend to either veer towards what was done to us, or go to the other extreme.
* When our children repress their feelings or act out, we can feel deeply frustrated. Our own feelings get in the way of us feeling loving towards our children. Loving limits require love to work, so if we aren’t feeling loving, it doesn’t work!
* Old beliefs about human beings emerge when we are feeling frustrated – such as that children need to learn, or to be punished, in order to be caring members of society.
* Our core beliefs can come up, such as, “I can’t do this,” or, “I have no power.”
* Old ways of labeling children that were done to us as children, such as, “He’s a bully, she’s manipulative.”
What shifts do we need to make in ourselves?
* Move past old beliefs that limits are inherently punitive.
* Heal from childhood experiences when we were punished, when limits were harsh and painful for us.
* Move past old beliefs that children need to be taught a lesson when they act out.
* Heal from childhood experiences of when our parents were permissive and avoided connection, and avoided hearing our painful feelings.
What is the most helpful language for Loving Limits?
* Language that creates connection. ‘I-statements’ are most helpful, because they are a part of what creates connection with us. e.g.. “I won’t let you hit Johnny, and I’m here, and I’m listening, and I love you.”
* Limits can be things like, “I’m not willing for you to.” “I won’t give you that just at the moment, sweetheart.” “Not right at the moment, darling.”
* The love comes in the tone of your voice, adding the endearments like sweetheart and darling and your nicknames for her, as well as things like, “I’m here,” “I’m listening,” “I see that you’re upset,” “I love you,” “I’m here to help.”
What is less helpful language for Loving Limits?
* Language that doesn’t create connection or might lead to shame or guilt, such as, “That’s not okay,”
* Language that isn’t clear or accurate, such as, “We don’t do that.” (because she just has!)
When don’t Loving Limits usually ‘work’?
* When you have avoided a Loving Limit all morning all day, and your child has been running round, throwing things, not cooperating, doing everything that he knows you hate, and you’ve reached a peak of frustration. You are unlikely to be able to find that place of love and clarity that loving limits require.
* If acting out behaviour has been going on for weeks or months and you are both feeling disconnected from each other. Connection is too buried for it to come easily when the Loving Limit is set.
* When you are telling yourselves painful thoughts about your child that get in the way of how much you love him, for example, “he’s so rude, he’s a bully, he is annoying, he won’t ever change, he’ll end up a delinquent, she’s so manipulative, she’s mean, she will never learn, I’m such a terrible parent, I did it all wrong.” These painful thought patterns prevent connection with yourself and your child.
When are Loving Limits most likely to ‘work’?
* When we already have a foundation of connection such as through regular practice of Present Time and Attachment Play.
If they aren’t ‘working’, what can we do to build the foundation?
* Start up a regular Present Time practice.
* Focus on Attachment Play.
Let me give you an example. If you’ve been reading my love letters to you for a while, you’ll know that my son (8) has a device control pattern.
For quite a while, we weren’t very connected with each other; I’d stopped practicing Present Time and power-reversal games with him, he was hitting when his feelings came up rather than crying, and we were more and more disconnected.
I was avoiding connection with him because I wasn’t enjoying the hitting, and of course he was feeling more and more disconnected, and the hitting was escalating.
Whenever I went to set a Loving Limit with the devices, this underlying disconnection and frustration would all be there, and he would respond not with connection and tears, but more hitting!
When I went back to basics, starting doing more things that I love, felt more connected with myself, then I could go in and offer regular Present Time, generally would laugh more, felt powerful enough in my own life to be powerless in power-reversal games and Present Time, then we were connected again.
And what I found then is that he didn’t have so many feelings of disconnection to repress, so he was much happier to get off the device when I asked him;
I got clearer about beautiful boundaries for myself, and so I set clear guidelines for device use, which made it easier for him to get off himself;
the games themselves would act as loving limits – for example, if he got really frustrated with a game, he would burst into tears rather than hit someone;
I could easily come in and connect with him and be interested in what he was doing and our connection was already a lovely flowing stream close to the surface that we could dive into again, so I could smoothly guide him off the device and into doing something together.
And if I do need to set a loving limit, the connection stream means that tears come rather than acting out.
When we feed the river of connection with our child, it is always close to the surface and easy to connect with.
Loving Limits, along with Present Time and Attachment Play, are three of the many magical things we can use to help us stay deeply connected with our child.
When things get challenging, I find it helpful to remember that we always have one or more of these three choices; Connection; Connection plus Attachment Play; and Connection and Loving Limits.
I wonder what you can do with this?
* Are you feeling as connected with your child/ren as you’d like to be?
* If not, what could you do TODAY to create more connection?
* What could you do today to create more fun and play?
* What do you need to work on with your Loving Limits?
* What was your experience as a child with Limits?
* Do you need to be more empathic, or more clear?
* Where would you like to set Loving Limits with your child?
I’d love to hear how you get on!
Sending you lots of love, and clarity!
Marion xxx