A key part of my work is in understanding Love and Will in applied situations so that we then have the opportunity to respond using the lovingness and willingness work.
In politics and parenting, understanding where we tend to sit in terms of Love and Will can help us understand ourselves and others more, which means the likelihood of being able to stay consciously connected with people even if they sit in quite different places to where we do on the map.
In this model, standing for LOVE can mean valuing inclusion, similarity or sameness, saying yes, being loving and compassionate, honouring all needs and feeling a sense of oneness.
However, painful consequences can happen if we do not also at times include our WILL-work, which means honouring when we have a no to something, claiming our own unexpressed feelings of frustration and outrage, expressing our individuality, and Will-needs for agency, autonomy, choice and differentiation
In parenting, we can see the imbalance to just the love axis if we always say yes to a child, even when we feel a no from our own needs or for our concern for their safety or health. We might find ourselves exploding with rage one day when we’ve ignored our own needs and our no on an ongoing basis.
In politics, we can see this in not standing up and expressing a clear no, until things have gone so far that the unexpressed no shows up in aggression or violence towards those who aren’t being inclusive or loving or who aren’t saying yes to everything.
In this model, standing for WILL means valuing individuality and difference, saying no to people, being powerful, valuing agency, taking strong action and having clear perspectives.
However, if we do not include our LOVE-work, which means honouring our yes, our feelings of loss and grief, and our Love-Needs for connection, community and compassion – we can see this showing up in power-over, aggression and violence towards those who have a difference of opinion to us, and a lack of compassionate understanding and feeling of connection with others who are different.
In parenting, we can see the imbalance to just the will axis if we do not do our own love-work, including a focus on encouraging a child’s individuality and action-taking and not enough on their Love-Needs for connection and presence. We might use our greater power over them in force, coercion or guilting, believing that it is for their own good. This can turn into extreme authoritarian parenting, punishment and violence.
In politics, again, we can see this in authoritarian government, capitalism, the valuing of the individual over community, and power-over, aggression and violence.
If we want to honour the beautiful gifts of love AND will in parenting and in politics (and all areas of life), we can first consider where we stand in terms of love and will. We may stand in different places on the axis in different spheres of life. Where we stand will generally be affected deeply by the family and culture we were brought up in. If we grew up in a ‘left-wing’ family or a ‘right-wing’ family, we are likely to filter information through that lens of beliefs and perspectives. If we we were brought up with authoritarian parenting, we’re likely to also use that, or fear doing that to our child and turn to permissive parenting – unless we have attended to our family and cultural hurts and experiences.
If we tend to veer towards the love side in an unbalanced way, we can choose to become more friendly with our Will-Needs for agency, autonomy, choice and differentiation. We can listen more to our own unexpressed feelings of frustration and outrage, and we can learn to express our no whilst still staying connected to the other. We can support the younger parts of us to know that we can still be loving, connected and safe whilst saying no.
If we tend to veer towards the will side in an unbalanced way, we can become more friendly with our Love-Needs for connection, community and compassion. We can listen more to our own unexpressed feelings of sadness and grief, and we can learn to express our yes whilst still feeling powerful in our bodies.
The coming together of love and will shows up really clearly in what I call the NEO NO.
In politics, this can be saying a clear NO to something that is happening that doesn’t fit with our values, without turning to aggression or violence. We might need to use what Marshall Rosenberg called the protective use of force.
In parenting, this can be expressing what I call a Loving Limit – saying a clear NO to a child hitting or hurting another, with the most minimal action to prevent more of the behaviour happening, and saying a clear yes to the feelings that are underlying the behaviour, and being willing to lovingly listen to those feelings. This is what stops violence without using violence, by addressing the root cause of the aggression in the first place.
The Neo No is a deeply embodied experience. In the Marion Method work, it involves deepening our relationship with our Love and Will, so that we feel deeply connected with our innate power – there’s a vertical sense of connection with the earth and the sky. When we stand in a clear, “I am NOT WILLING for that,” we stand in tremendous true power, which is very different from violence, aggression and hate.
I believe that we are being invited to return to the balance of Love and Will – like the yin/yang, where neither dominates, but each turn around the other and have the spark of the opposite in them. Honouring both love and will, and seeing the beauty of both of them, makes a profound difference to our lives and particularly our relationships.
In these powerful times, you might notice where your Will-Needs or Will-Feelings are more present, for example, if you feel outraged, powerless or frustrated around lockdown or being required to wear a mask, because you deeply value autonomy and agency or remember times from the past when those needs weren’t met. If that’s the case, can you offer or receive love for those Will-Needs and related feelings? Can you listen to the painful feelings of outrage, powerlessness or frustration? Can you be loving towards the younger parts who remember being silenced, being told what to do, and not having any choice and listen to those feelings? The more we can bring loving compassion to this, the more we can find ways to meet our Will-Needs with Love in the here and now in ways that aren’t blaming or aggressive or violent.
What about where your Love-Needs and Love-Feelings are more present, for example, if you are longing to connect more with family or friends or wishing all people would wear masks to protect others, or feeling grief and sadness in response to all the loss that has happened. Can you offer loving compassion to those Love-Needs and Love-Hurts? Can you listen to the painful feelings of grief and sadness and fear? Can you be loving towards the younger parts whose needs for closeness, protection and care weren’t met? The more we can bring loving compassion to this, the more we can find ways to meet our Love-Needs and also engage our Will to clearly state what we are willing for and not willing for, which can help reduce fear.
Do you notice when you are more in the Love axis and more in the Will axis? Do you notice when you see others standing in a very different place? How do you feel? What action might you like to take as a result of reading this?
Big love,
Marion xoxo