This time last weekend I was at the Uplift Festival, a yearly event which is the highlight of my year.
Speakers such as Bruce Lipton, Patch Adams and Joan Borysenko are joined by musicians from around the world, such as Deva Premal and Miten, poets such as Luka Lesson and Kirk Nugent, Indigenous Elders from all around the world, and so on.
Each year, attending the event helps me connect with a deep sense of love, interconnectedness, oneness, joy, belonging and hope that sustains me through the year.
The speakers and musicians and elders gather together for a week before Uplift, to co-create the amazing beauty and love that weaves throughout the four days of the event. I have been to many workshops, events, and processes over the last 25 years, and nothing compares with this.
And I found, yet again, that as adults we are so similar to children in the way that we heal. As I sat right at the front right from the beginning, I found myself crying for so much of the time. Crying when feeling deeply moved, connected, inspired, touched. And also crying as I tapped into a deep sense of loneliness, grief and isolation.
Just as children cry healing tears when they feel deeply safe and loved by us, and also when a situation reminds them of a past stressful event or trauma, so did the deep sense of love, emotional safety and belonging help me connect with deep and old feelings.
Each year, I think that this would be a lovely place to meet my Beloved. I’ve been single now for 4 years, and this year again I had that thought. On day three, I was sitting with a friend during lunch, looking around, and realising I felt a desperate longing to find my beloved. And in that moment I realised I wasn’t looking for a man; I was the little baby me, premature and in an incubator for the first 5 weeks of my life, looking for my mother. The deep longing and pain intensified once I let myself know what it was really about.
I’ve done so much therapy about my early days. I’ve done rebirthing and holotropic breathwork, I’ve done workshops and groups. I’ve cried on my living room floor feeling the desperate grief and aloneness.
But being at Uplift this year helped me go deeper into it than I had ever been. I felt the sense of eternal loneliness and isolation, as if I had been alone forever and would always be alone. And of course, this fits what we know about babies – they have no sense of time, so if they are left, it feels like eternity for them.
So, I moved in and out of this for the next two days – the belonging, love, and connection, and the deep sense of isolation, grief and longing. I cried on and off for the whole four days. I sat watching the presenters with tears rolling down my face.
And of course, when I returned to my children, my parenting was 500% more present and aware. I could listen to their feelings and needs effortlessly. I could love them unconditionally. I could be deeply compassionate and empathic.
I could see clearly when those two things happened for them – either the love connected them with their painful feelings, or a situation similar to a traumatic one connected them. For them both, not having choice/power is a connector – since their dad left, and of course they didn’t have choice about that. I see my son in particular, will be playing a game and if he isn’t able to choose, he will very quickly go into very deep feelings.
Sitting more deeply into my own feelings also helped reenergise my love of Aware Parenting. I felt called to remind parents what an incredible thing you do every time you listen to your baby or child’s feelings, especially if s/he has had any early separations or traumas. You help her release feelings that I am still healing from 46 years later.
I see too, how these feelings and experiences are still influencing my life and my children’s lives. We spend quite a lot of time just the three of us, for example. And when I look back on my history of relationships with men, all the most painful moments were moments that connected me in with the deepness of loss and longing.
So, I want to remind you what an amazing and incredible gift you give to your baby or child every time you help her feel deeply loved and connected, every time you listen to her feelings and hold her when she cries, and every time you see her have a big reaction over a little thing and know that she is trying to heal. I want to remind you that every time you let yourself feel deeply loved or let yourself be connected with your deep and early feelings, and you let yourself cry and heal, you become more present and available to be with your child/ren.