I’ve been finding what a difference it makes for me when I really let myself be myself and do what is really alive for me, rather than trying to be an idea of an aware parent. I see the difference in my children when I am trying to be something else compared to when I trust myself and what is really true for me. They are much happier and more fulfilled when I listen to myself and be myself.
I had a rollerblading ‘accident’. For ages, the stoppers on the front of my rollerblades have been worn out. I finally got around to buying new stoppers for the front, and boy, were they big! I went out rollerblading with my children and the dog.
Whilst I was putting the boots on, I was contemplating how long it had taken me to let myself have the boots in the first place, and how long it took until I let myself have the stoppers. And how I’ve been wanting a new MacBook for ages (mine is 7 years old and losing its faculties!) and that I haven’t let myself have that either. I decided I would let myself have it.
I put on the boots and started skating. A few significant thoughts ran through my head. My son was on his EzyRoller and I suddenly felt worried that he might have an accident. Then I pondered how amazing it is that I go so fast on concrete and never have an accident. Then a song came on my iPod about woman who had become successful and she was talking to all the kids who had been hurtful to her at school about how she had made something of her life. At that moment, I tripped over my big new stoppers, fell flat on my face, and felt my front tooth break.
I put my hand over my mouth, told my daughter that I’d had an accident but that I was okay and was going home, took my boots off, and ran back the path to home. I trusted that my kids would be fine (they are 12 and 8 and we live in a rural neighbourhood and I was just out on the path at the back of our house), and ran home. As I ran past my mum’s granny flat, I waved at her (I knew that she wouldn’t be able to be with me in the way I needed).
It felt like my tooth had broken right off. Without daring to look at the damage, I phoned the dentist in tears and made an appointment. Next I phoned a dear friend, someone I knew who could be with shock and crying whilst also reassuring me. She turned up 5 minutes later.
I cried, I didn’t want to look, I cried more, and eventually showed her my tooth. It wasn’t the whole of it that had chipped off, but a significant chunk had chipped off one side. She got me rescue remedy and listened more whilst I was in shock. By this time my kids had come back and we explained what had happened and asked how they were feeling.
What I loved is that all the skills that are so helpful as a parent when a child has hurt themselves – listening, giving space for tears, giving empathy, asking to look, being deeply reassuring, listening to more tears, being present – these are all the same things that we need as adults when we have hurt ourselves. It was such a blessing to be in that space and to experience what it felt like to have that kind of care and empathy. A couple of hours later, I was able to go and tell my mum what had happened and give her empathy and support whilst she cried. Because I had let myself have the empathy I really needed, I could give it freely to her.
What I came away with was the power of intention, AND that it isn’t going fast that is dangerous (I’ve been doing that for years!) – what’s dangerous is going fast and having big stoppers. The big stoppers I’ve had in place have been stopping myself having what I really want, stopping myself being who I can be, stopping myself from doing what I’m here to do.
So, I’m going to launch the course I wrote a year ago, called Loving Being a Mother – and I’ve enrolled in an online course to learn how to launch courses! And already I am adding more to it; adding things that will make it more rich, more enjoyable, more fulfilling, for women who choose to take it. So there’s also a trusting of the timing of all things.
I’ll also share with you another one of my children’s stories – this one is called Sally Went on a Plane. I’m reminded of it after flying to Melbourne to run workshops there last week.
Children so often feel big feelings when they are leaving a place, going on a plane, and going to new places. I saw two children leave their dad and get on the plane with their mum. When they were looking away towards the boarding gate, the dad hid behind a pillar. The children cried. The mum kept trying to distract them with facts about the plane. I saw the parents had such a loving desire to protect their children from the pain of separation, and yet in avoiding listening to those feelings, the feelings simply got pushed away. The more we are able to feel our own feelings – of overwhelm, sadness, excitement; whatever they are, the more we are able to be with our children’s feelings. When we listen to their feelings, the feelings often become more intense, as they are free to fully feel the feelings with us – just as I did when my friend arrived after my accident. Listening to feelings invites intimacy and intensity and leads to deep healing. The cure for pain is in the pain. Tears don’t create pain, they heal us from pain.
I’d love to hear if any of this resonates with you. Do you see where you stop yourself from being all that you can be in the world? Do you recognise what a gift it is to be truly heard? Do you notice the places where you want to avoid your feelings, or your children’s feelings? Can you bring compassion to all of those places in yourself?