Do You Feel Deeply Connected with Your Child/ren?

Hello! How are you?

Isn’t it wonderful when we feel deeply connected with our children?

When I feel that deep connection, that love, that adoration, that being-in-love, the whole world looks bright, there’s a spring in my step, and daily life is a delight.

And I know we are all different, but I found that level of connection effortless (most of the time) when my children were babies, toddlers and younger children.

They needed that connection, asked for it, and I (mostly!) gave it.

But as they got older and didn’t need that same level of connection, it was easier to go through our day to day life thinking we were connected, but not feeling that deep level of connection.

Since my children are school-free, we spend a lot of time together. And because of that, it is easy to think, “Well we spent all day together, so we must be connected.”

But I found that wasn’t really true. We could spend all day together, but still not have that deep deep level of connection I am talking about.

And that is where non directive child-centred play comes in. That is Aletha Solter’s term that she uses in Attachment Play and elsewhere.

I call it Present Time.

Time and time again, I have found that practising Present Time with my children is one way to create a deep sense of connection with my children.

And it works both ways, of course. Our children need deep connection with us even more than we need it with them.

Many of the things that we find challenging in children are caused by them not feeling deeply connected with us.

Feeling deeply connected is such a core need for them, and if they are not getting that need met, it feels painful for them.

And unmet needs and painful feelings are behind such things as not cooperating, being agitated, doing things that they know we don’t enjoy, hitting, bitting, roughness, throwing things, and not sleeping.

But what can easily happen is a spiral. They don’t feel connected with us, and start doing these kinds of things, and we feel frustrated, and don’t want to connect with them, which feels even more painful for them, and so those behaviours escalate, and we can easily feel even more frustrated, and may even do things to them that we regret. Disconnection begets disconnection.

The magic key out of this spiral scenario is deep connection.

And one way of offering that magic key is Present Time.

I have found, over and over again, that when I consistently practice Present Time with my children, there is a daily delight in our lives. And when I stop, I notice that we start going in to that spiral again – they feel disconnected, and their behaviour gets less enjoyable, and I feel disconnected and my behaviour gets less enjoyable.

And if I put Present Time back into place, the results are almost immediate – we return to a deep sense of connection and the challenges disappear.

And there have been times where I couldn’t really see what was going on, when I forgot about the magic key.

And what I’ve noticed is different in the past several months is that I’ve been learning all about productivity and planning and that I can bring that knowledge to Present Time.

And as part of that learning, I have in mind every day that I want to practice PT with my children.

And because of that, it is easy for me to tell if I miss it. (Which I do far more often with my daughter, 13, than my son, 8).

So, having this kind of planning in place with PT is making all the difference. I can clearly see the picture, and if things start getting challenging, I notice that we haven’t done PT regularly, and I remind myself each day to do it.

And even if I miss it again, I just keep reminding myself the next day. And then I do do it, and everything changes again.

And their fighting goes, and connection between them re-emerges.

Which reminds me of when they were little and adored each other.

So, I look back to when things were really challenging in our family, when their dad and I had split up, and I wish I had known what I know now.

And I see that with parents who come to me – how easy it can be to get apparently stuck in the disconnection, and forget about the magic key.

And that is why I’ve created a free 4-day email and video/audio programme (or program, if you are Australian or American) called “Powerful Present Time Practice.”

It’s to help with all of these different aspects:

1. To understand the purpose and philosophy of Present Time (because it’s all about internal motivation, not doing things out of a “should” but from an internal motivation. And what is more powerful as an internal motivation than knowing how wonderful deep connection feels, and what a difference it makes to our children);
2. Past and perception – To look within and see what prevents us from deeply connecting with our children, so we are actually free to practice Present Time;
3. How to plan for presence – To have structures in place to help us practice Present Time regularly;
4. Making practice become permanence – To know how to make Present Time a consistent practice.

I’ve found that I need all four of these elements in order to practice it regularly, and so I want to offer all of those to you.

Perhaps you’d like to reflect on when you feel particularly connected with your child/ren, and what helps you reconnect again!

Much love to you,

Marion xxx