Hello!
How are you?
If you have more than one child, or you are thinking of more than one, this whole issue, of siblings getting along, can be such a vital one to family wellbeing.
Can siblings really get along?
Yes, they can!
They really can adore each other, love each other, be gentle and caring with each other.
Why do siblings so often not get along?
Because they can have big feelings about sharing their parents.
Babies and children need a lot of connection, as well as choice, play and stimulation.
They also have lots of feelings that need to be expressed.
Meeting the needs of, and listening to the feelings of, more than one child in a nuclear family can be challenging for parents.
When children have unmet needs, and unexpressed feelings, especially about sharing their parents, they show it in the form of being harsh with their sibling, or taking things from them, or pushing or hitting them, and so on.
Why can squabbling siblings be so hard for us as parents?
Being with our children arguing or hurting each other can connect us to similar experiences when we were children.
Perhaps our parents argued, and when our children argue, we connect with how we felt as children hearing our parents be harsh with each other.
Perhaps we had siblings ourselves, and we they hit us or tickled us or shamed us.
Or perhaps we were the oldest sibling, in pain and acting harshly with our younger sibling/s.
What’s our first step if our children are being harsh with each other?
If it’s happening regularly, then it’s really important that we talk to another adult, or do some self-reflection about what it is reminding us of.
The more we can have those feelings and thoughts heard with loving empathy, the more we get to heal from those earlier experiences, and the more we will be able to help our children from a clear space of compassion for them.
We need compassion in order to be able to give compassion.
Then we can do preventative work:
We can help decrease the likelihood of siblings fighting by:
Meeting their needs for connection;
Helping them release feelings of jealousy, hurt, frustration and sadness through supported laughter and crying.
Meeting their needs for connection;
It can be hard in nuclear families to give one on one connection, but even small amounts of regular one-on-one time can fill up our child’s need for connection, meaning that he will be less likely to act in painful ways towards his sibling.
I recommend regular Present Time; which you can read about here.
You might also like my free course, Powerful Present Time Practice.
The wonderful thing about Present Time, which is a form of attachment play, is that it really meets children’s needs for choice and autonomy, which, when not met, also lead to unenjoyable behaviours.
Helping them release painful feelings through supported laughter and crying;
It can be hard for us to realise what it feels to be a child, and to have so many big feelings about sharing their parents with their sibling.
But those feelings are big!
Imagine how you might feel if your partner came home with a new partner, cuddling and kissing them, and having less time for you?
Finding that place in us to be deeply compassionate for them, and really understanding how they might feel, is like manna to their soul.
We can help them release feelings of powerlessness (eg. if they are the oldest sibling, they didn’t get to choose to have the new sibling/s come),through regular power-reversal games.
These are games where we play the less powerful role for that time – for example, a pillow fight, where we pretend to fall over each time. As they laugh, they release those feelings of powerlessness from their bodies.
You can find out about other games that you can play in this article.
Children also need to cry to express and release those feelings.
Sometimes the crying comes out in a related situation, but sometimes it comes out at times that don’t seem to be at all related to feelings about their sibling.
They might come out when the dinner is “too lumpy”, or “there aren’t enough stories”, and so on.
Children often need a pretext to have a cry, so when they are having a big cry about an apparently small thing, it could be that they are letting out some of the big feelings they have about sharing parents.
But what about in the moment, when things get rough?
It’s really the same things:
1. Connect with ourselves compassionately;
If we are in big feelings about when we were six and our parents were fighting, we aren’t going to be able to provide the kind of connection that our children need in that moment.
Finding ways to give ourselves emergency self-empathy is vital.
Even just saying, “I’m here”, and knowing that you are here for yourself as well as for your children, can help.
2. Connect with our children;
Whatever is happening, both of them are needing connection.
If there is one being harsh to the other one, the one being harsh needs connection just as much, if not more, than their sibling.
Communicating connection through our closeness, our calm tone, touch, and eye contact, followed by empathic words, can help immediately.
3. Loving Limits are important if one is hurting another;
“I won’t let you hurt your brother, and I see that you are upset.”
Stepping in physically to block a hit or to join with holding a toy if it is being taken.
4. Helping release happen through laughter or crying;
You will know which is more apt at the time.
We can move in with some attachment play, “oh no, you two aren’t going to chase me around the house with these pillows are you?”– might bring them together in a power-reversal game.
The loving limit might bring tears, as the pain underlying the hurtful behaviour bubbles out.
And even if laughter or crying doesn’t happen, trust that your warm loving connection during this situation is really helpful.
They are most needing connection at that time.
And I celebrate every time you do manage to connect with them in these ways.
It’s quite an achievement to move in with a sense of compassion at these times.
And I send you loving compassion for every time your own feelings have bubbled up so big that you couldn’t respond in helpful ways.
It’s never too late – you can always repair, you can always do your own healing from the childhood experiences that your children fighting connects you with, you can always pour in more connection, play more games, or listen to more laughter.
I’d love to share a bit about my experiences, in the hope it might be helpful.
I know that siblings can love each other and get on beautifully, because that’s how it was in our family for the first several years of my son’s life.
My daughter was four and a half when he was born, and we had listened to a lot of her feelings.
I listened to a lots and lots of my son’s feelings too.
So they were both pretty happy, calm, and connected with themeselves.
From when my son was turning one, they were inseparable.
She would choose his clothes, and often dress him.
As he got older, she would read to him in NVC, play with him (including attachment play), listen to his feelings, and love him. He adored her.
But then, when he was four, their dad left, and everything turned upside down.
It was hardest for him.
He went from the most calm and present boy to hitting me and her.
I was in a lot of pain and wasn’t giving them the connection they needed, and wasn’t listening to enough of their feelings.
And there were many times that I didn’t do what I suggest above, because in the emotional place I was in, I just couldn’t.
I often didn’t get in to stop him from hitting her, and I sometimes reacted angrily in the situation.
My daughter went from loving and calm to finding ways of feeling powerful in the situation, using subtle ways of getting power over him.
For a while it was really hellish for all of us.
The ‘fighting’ seemed to go on and on.
(I don’t have any pictures of the fighting!)
I tell this story because things HAVE changed.
They never went back to the adoration they had of each other, and they won’t admit that they love each other, but they generally get on really well again.
If one of them is upset, it will show up in their interactions with each other.
However, if they are both feeling connected, especially with me, then that really shows up in their relationship too.
Last night they spent a couple of hours playing games in the hammock together, laughing and chatting.
And then we spent a couple more hours all playing together. They were lifting me up together, and pretending to drop me.
Then I was trying to pick up both of them (at 13 and 9!).
We were all laughing and laughing the whole time!
And that followed me spending lots of extra one on one time with my daughter over the past several days, as she had a ballet exam.
So, if there is a lot of disharmony between your children at the moment, things really can be different.
By listening to your own feelings, providing extra connection, and helping them release feelings through laughter and crying, they can return to being connected with each other again.
I’d love to hear if this resonates with you, and what you have found has helped your children get along.
Much love,
Marion xxx