Behaviourism had a big effect on parenting; particularly the beliefs that:

 

 

1. Children need to be told how to behave in ways that we want them to;

 

 

2. We need to give them ‘attention’ when they are doing things that we want them to do (“positive reinforcement”) and take away ‘attention’ when they are doing things that we don’t want them to do (punishment).

 

 

 

Aware Parenting is based on a very different set of assumptions.

 

 

From an Aware Parenting perspective, when our child is doing something that we don’t enjoy, then there are one of three reasons at cause:

 

 

1. They have an unmet need (most often, a need for connection or choice);

2. They have a need for information;

3. They have pent-up painful feelings.

 

 

So, from an old-fashioned behaviourism perspective, if our child is doing something that we don’t enjoy, then we would give them less ‘attention’, tell them what we want them to do instead, and perhaps get harsh or punitive, so that they are less likely to do that thing.

 

 

Whereas, from an Aware Parenting perspective, when our child is doing something that we don’t enjoy, ideally, we would get CLOSER, give MORE CONNECTION, MORE PRESENCE, MORE LOVE, and in the case of attachment play, MORE FUN.

 

 

And that’s why I LOVE Present Time and attachment play.

 

 

Because they are the OPPOSITE of behaviourism.

 

 

Because they understand that a child’s true nature is LOVE.

 

 

They understand that  children naturally WANT to cooperate, to be loving, to share and to give, WHEN ALL THEIR NEEDS ARE MET and when they haven’t got painful feelings bubbling at the surface.

 

 

And I’m sure that you experience similar things yourself.

 

 

When your needs have been met – when you’ve recently been connecting with people you love, when you are happy and life is going well, then you naturally want to give to your children, and when they ask you to play or to do something for them, you’re probably really happy to do that thing for them, aren’t you?

 

 

And isn’t the opposite the case; when you haven’t recently had much connection or support or empathy, and you have big feelings bubbling, aren’t those the times when you’re most likely to do things that your child doesn’t enjoy, and aren’t those the times when you won’t want to cooperate with them?

 

 

Children are just like us.

 

 

They’re real, sentient, loving, conscious, human beings.

 

 

And that’s why I love Present Time.

 

 

When our child is acting in ways that we aren’t enjoying, connecting MORE with them is reaching in to the source of the behaviour.

 

 

Moving in to connect, to listen, to play, to LOVE THEM in tangible and practical ways, helps them return to their true nature.

 

 

And remember number 2?

 

 

Sometimes, they DO need information.

 

 

But it is generally FAR LESS than we think!

 

 

So, when you get tempted to explain for the fifth time why you don’t like the way they are speaking to you, how about changing tack completely and playing the “Yes, your majesty game” – where you pretend they are a king or a queen and you obsequiously ask them if you could also eat their snot, lick their feet or other funny things.

 

 

Or when they are being harsh with their sister, instead of getting harsh with them, how about offering them 20 minutes of Present Time?

 

 

Children need MORE CONNECTION, MORE PRESENCE, MORE ‘ATTENTION’, MORE LOVE, MORE FUN, MORE LISTENING when they are behaving in ways that we don’t enjoy.

 

 

 

I have a free 4 day Powerful Present Time Practice Course.

 

 

I wonder if you’ve done it?

 

 

I know it can sound simple, to just give our children more presence and more connection, but sometimes we can find it hard to do that.

 

 

In the course I talk about the different reasons why that can be, and how we can help ourselves so that we WANT TO CONNECT MORE and give them more Present Time.

 

 

And I want to share that I find that I avoid offering connection with my 10 and 15 year olds at times. In fact I find it more now, that they are older (because of my own particular sweet spots, which I’ll share below).

 

 

I’ve been exploring this recently – and yesterday I realised that I’d connected with a sweet spot and had a big cry around this.

 

 

Often, being with our children, or inviting connection with our children, can remind us of times when we asked for connection from our parents.

 

 

My own particular sweet spots around this are that my daughter helps me connect with old feelings and thoughts that I had with my Mum when I was a child, and my son helps me connect with the same with my Dad.

 

 

Why is that?

 

 

Well, as a 15 year old who still has unexpressed hurts from when I didn’t protect her from her brother’s hitting when their Dad left, when I offer connection, she quite often says no.

 

 

When she does that, it helps me connect with experiences, thoughts and feelings, from when I was a little girl and I wanted my Mum to play with me but she was busy, or when I was a baby in the incubator, desperately longing for her to hold me.

 

 

Those feeling memories can sometimes prevent me reaching out for connection. Because I don’t want to experience the pain of hearing “no” again.

 

 

But when I listen to those child and baby feelings in me, and hold myself with loving compassion, then I CAN reach out to connect with her. And I can stay compassionately connected with her, even if she does say no.

 

 

As for my son, he often likes to talk when we are connecting. And that can help me connect with feelings from being a little girl, when my Dad would often talk a lot and not listen much.

 

 

But again, the more my Inner Loving Mother gives loving compassion to the little girl in me, the more free I am to connect with him, and be with him, and listen to all the things he wants to share with me.

 

 

 

I wonder if you ever notice things like this in yourself?

 

 

Perhaps you notice at times that you get busy with cooking or cleaning or being on FB when you’re avoiding connecting with your child, because connecting with your child either connects you with yourself in the moment, and how you’re feeling right now, or the connection helps you feel old feelings from when you were a child.

 

 

Again and again, I find that listening compassionately to ourselves means that we can be more present with our children.

 

 

 

 

I wonder if any of this resonates?

 

 

Would you like to lean in and offer more Present Time to your child/ren?

 

 

And if so, what might you need to do for yourself to do more of that?

 

 

Do you need to give yourself more of your own Present Time?

 

 

Do you need to listen to your own feelings or needs more?

 

 

Do you need to listen to any old feelings from when you were a child?

 

 

 

The more we can be present with ourselves, the more we can be present with our children.

 

 

And if you want to sign up for my Powerful Present Time Practice 4 day course, the link is HERE, or you can click on the meme below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love,

 

 

Marion 

 

 

xxx