Hello!

I first learnt about the “New Age” (as it was called then), in 1990, when I was 22 and doing my Ph.D. at Cambridge.

I learnt all about active listening, and the soul, and compassion, and connecting with who we really are.

Fast forward 26 years, and to me, there’s nothing like parenting for being a daily practice for putting those values into form.

I wonder if you experience that too?

If my son doesn’t seem to want to get off the computer, how many times can I choose to connect with him compassionately, listening in to his needs and feelings.

How many times can I set loving limits with judgmental and fearful thoughts about his future, judgments about him or my parenting, and connect compassionately with him?

And what about those times where I get frustrated and act in ways that don’t fit with my values?

How many times can I listen to myself compassionately then, and connect deeply to what is going on with me, with unconditional love.

This morning I made a meme about hitting, and responding with attachment play (to let people know that the early bird for my attachment play course finishes tonight at 8pm Sydney time), and it really connected me in with my passion for how this is practical compassion in action.

If a child is hitting, or biting, or throwing things, or not cooperating, it can be so easy for us to have judgmental thoughts about them come up.

So easy because those were the judgments that we heard about those kinds of behaviours when we were growing up, and we internalised them.

It can be so easy to believe judgmental thoughts about our parenting.

Because in our culture, we learnt to respond to challenges with judgment rather than compassionate connection.

And when we’re judging ourselves, our child, our parenting, or their future, it’s going to be hard to respond to them in a compassionate way.

And there’s the rub.

The REASON WHY children often act in ways that we find challenging – hitting, biting, throwing things, not putting their shoes on, etc., ISN’T because they are doing it deliberately to annoy us, or that they are enjoying it, or they need to learn “better”, or they are “spoilt” or any other of the judgments that may float through our minds.

A child who is hitting is hurting.

A child who is biting, throwing things, not putting their shoes on actually needs MORE compassionate connection, not less.

The old paradigm was to hurt a child, to punish them, to leave them alone, to help them be more cooperative.

But of course, now we know that a child’s true nature IS cooperation, compassion, and connection.

She needs help to release the pain that’s getting in the way of her true nature.

She doesn’t need more pain piled on top to somehow show her how to behave “properly.”

And that is why I think that parenting gives us an opportunity to put our deeper principles in practice, day after day.

How often can we respond with compassionate connection rather than judgment and harshness.

And if we do respond with judgment and harshness, can we be compassionate with ourselves?

And attachment play is a particular example of this.
 

Because we are really going counter to those old punitive parenting paradigms.

When a child is hitting or throwing things or not cooperating, going in and meeting him with play is all about throwing aside those old ways of thinking.

Attachment play helps children release the feelings that were actually CAUSING those behaviours in the first place – the hurt, the fear, the frustration, the powerlessness, the overwhelm, the sadness.

We are meeting our child with loving compassion when we play with her.

And there’s no accident that the Dalai Lama smiles and laughs so much.

To me, laughter and play seems like quite an advanced practice.

It requires a lot for us.

To choose love over fear.

Love over punishment.

Love over disconnection.

And I find for myself that I need to keep learning this, over and over again.

Keep reminding myself, over and over again.

That is actually one of the reasons I’m doing another live round of the Attachment Play Course, starting this Sunday, because I need reminding!

And if you’re reading this after then, the course is open all year round!