Hello!
Yesterday I did a FB live on this; you can watch it HERE.
My dear friend and colleague Rosa asked me to do a FB live on laughing AT people and how this might be a way that people are trying to heal through laughter, albeit in a distorted way.
I wonder if you ever being ‘laughed at’ as a child or a teen?
Or perhaps you’ve seen children do it to each other? Perhaps even your own children?
I want to remind you that we live in a culture that doesn’t value the learning process.
You only need to hear a child saying, “You’re such a baby” in derogatory tones to understand that being a child, not being able to do things, being a learner; are all judged in our culture.
In older parenting paradigms, such as most of us experienced, shaming (i.e. being judged) was a technique to get us to behave in ways that adults wanted us to behave.
Being shamed by being judged for what we’re not able to do has led to a culture where many of us as adults left behind our ‘sillineness’, where we judge ourselves when we’re learning how to do something or aren’t yet competent at something, and where our childhood life force gets locked away.
The culture of seriousness and competence is a byproduct of this older ways of seeing human beings.
You might have been surprised to learn that having a ‘beginner’s mind’ is of great value in other cultures.
So, given this cultural conditioning, of shaming around not being able to do something, how can we interpret ‘laughing at’ and how can we help children heal from their feelings of discomfort around not being able to do things?
I want to remind you that shame isn’t a feeling that babies are born with.
Shame only comes when we receive reactions from the outside that tell us that there is something wrong with us.
Those reactions might be non-verbal, but they often include words that tell us that there is something wrong or bad about us.
The resulting feeling in a baby or child is shame.
Shame is really really uncomfortable.
A child who is shamed feels really uncomfortable in his body.
And one of the ways that he might use to help try to rid himself of those uncomfortable feelings is to shame someone else.
That is often the cause of children ‘laughing at’ other children.
A child has been told that she’s wrong or she’s bad.
She’s felt the deep discomfort and powerlessness of this.
And she might then try to pass on that pain to someone else by doing the same to them.
There could be a few different reasons for this:
1. She’s trying to release the feelings of fear and powerlessness and discomfort and shame through laughter (because laughter releases fear and embarrassment and powerlessness).
2. She’s trying to get rid of the feelings of shame by passing them on to someone else;
3. She’s trying to understand the whole shame thing by doing what was done to her;
4. She’s trying to receive empathy by seeing the face of the child she’s shaming and feeling that sense that someone else knows how she feels.
5. She’s trying to rid herself of the feelings of powerlessness by using power-over.
Shame gets passed from child to child or from generation to generation, like a virus.
So, how can we help our children if they are feeling uncomfortable about not being able to do something yet?
We can use NONSENSE PLAY, which is one of the nine forms of attachment play.
What nonsense play does is help children release all the feelings they have around not yet being competent at doing something.
This might even be feelings they’ve subtly picked up on when they’re simply not yet able to pronounce a word accurately or do something that their older sibling can do.
There are so many things that we can do that our children aren’t yet able to do – and the younger they are, the more this is the case.
The wonderful antidote that helps them release those feelings is nonsense play.
In nonsense play, we basically act silly and goofy.
We might pretend that we’re not able to do something.
That might be putting on glasses upside down and pretending to bump into the wall, or pretending that we are think our dog is our child.
It might be goofily pretending that we’re not able to read, or write, or eat with a knife and fork, or brush our teeth.
We might sing a song and deliberately sing the words inaccurately.
All of these things, done with goofiness, can help our child laugh.
And when they’re laughing, they’re letting out their feelings of uncertainty and discomfort around not being able to do things.
And if they’ve been shamed by others, these nonsense games can also help them release the feelings of shame and embarrassment.
As we act the role of someone who doesn’t yet understand things of isn’t competent at things, and do it in silly and goof ways, and our child laughs, she is freeing herself from those uncomfortable feelings.
And the more she is freed from them, the less likely she is going to try to get out those feelings in ways that aren’t helpful for herself or others.
Attachment play is SUCH a powerful knowledge base and skill to have.
If you want to dive into, or refresh, your attachment play resources, I have a few offerings.
I’m doing a live round of my FREE Powerful Present Time Practice Course at the moment. It isn’t too late to join up!
I have a FREE Intro to Attachment Play ebook that you can access.
And next week, I’m starting a LIVE ROUND of my Attachment Play Course.
It’s a 4 week course (perfect for the festive season!) all about attachment play.
It’s my most popular course, with 200 families having taken part already.
I’ll be doing daily FB lives about attachment play too, as part of the launch!
Here’s to more attachment play!
Much love,
Marion xoxox