In this article, I’m going to start with the three reasons why it can be hard for us to respond empathically and effectively to our children when they’re hitting, biting, pushing, taking and throwing.
And then I’m going to talk about 3 ways we can respond to these behaviours in the moment, and 3 things we can do to prevent them.
I think is the most important place to start is with ourselves, because its going to be very hard to respond empathically and effectively if we’ve got unhelpful thoughts or painful feelings getting in the way.
The first step is to listen to what is going on for us.
SO, when your child is doing whatever it is they are doing, what kinds of things are you thinking and telling yourself?
Perhaps:
“they’re doing it deliberately,’
“they’re wanting to be annoying,”
“why won’t they listen to me?”
“Why are they so aggressive?”
“What have I done wrong?”
We will often either judge them or judge ourselves.
So, what are you feeling when you think these things?
Frustrated, powerless, helpless, overwhelmed?
What do you tend to do when you are thinking those things and feeling those things?
Do you use power over, get threaten-y, say, “if you don’t stop, then…”?
1. One of the reasons we act in ways that AREN’T empathic and effective is because of what we’re telling ourselves.
In the second section of this article, I’ll be giving you different ways of thinking about WHY they are doing what they’re doing.
And knowing those things are more likely to help you feel loving and compassionate and empathic with them.
Which means you’re more likely to then respond in the ways that are empathic and effective.
So, that is one of the reasons why we act in unhelpful ways – because of the way that we’re thinking about WHY they are doing what they’re doing.
How we’re thinking affects how we’re feeling which affects how we can respond.
And I’m going to be sharing a different way of thinking that makes it WAY easier to feel empathic and compassionate .
But that is only one of the three causes of our feelings.
Another one is our unmet needs.
2. The second reason why it’s hard to respond empathically and effectively is our unmet needs
So if you’re not getting enough support or enough time for yourself and your needs are chronically unmet, then when your child does those things, it’s going to be way harder to stay in that compassionate place and you’re way more likely to go into your own painful feelings around your unmet needs (such as for peace and harmony and ease and cooperation).
Doing whatever you can to meet your needs really helps!
The more you can meet your needs, in effective and through-the-day ways – I call them sprinkles or Mini-Me Moments, the more resourced you are.
Which might be going for a walk with your kids, putting on your favourite music and dancing in the kitchen, making your favourite smoothie and really feeling yourself taste it, having your favourite essential oil on, have an exercise bike and ask your child to be your coach, do yoga with your child; do whatever you can to meet your needs more, because the more your needs are met, the more you’re going to be able to respond in empathic and effective ways.
3. The third reason why it can be hard for us to respond empathically and effectively is because of our own unhealed hurts from the past.
And perhaps more than any other behaviour, our child’s hitting or pushing or biting can help us connect with our own painful feelings from when we were younger, particularly if you had siblings who hit you or overpowered you or hurt you physically, or if at school you had experiences like that. That means when your child hits you or their brother or another child, your feelings from when you were a child are likely to arise.
And if you’re already familiar with my work, you’ll know that that’s how our psyches are designed to work.
When something in the present reminds us of something in the past that hasn’t been heard and healed, those old feelings come up to be heard and healed this time.
So, the more that at another time, we can connect with our emotional cartography and ask, “What is this reminding me of?” – it reminds me of when I was 3 and my big brother used to hit me, or when I was 11 and children at school used to push me.
The more we can listen to those parts, hear those feelings, and respond to those younger parts of us, the more we can release those feelings.
I have my Inner Loving Presence Process to do that – listening to the thoughts (which may be the thoughts that you have in response to your child), the feelings, the needs, hear what didn’t get expressed, say what didn’t get said), all with loving compassion, then we get to heal those, so when our child does the hitting or whatever it is, those big old feelings are less and less likely to come up for us.
AND when we do have big feeling reactions in the moment, we can have our Inner Loving Mother there listening to us, saying, “I know, sweetheart. I hear you. I hear your rage. I’m listening. I’m right here with you,” and really reminding yourself that it is the 3 year old you that is feeling rage and wanting to be harsh. It isn’t your true loving compassionate nature.
So these are the three places to start – the three reasons WHY it can be hard for us to respond effectively and empathically to them when they are hitting, biting, pushing, throwing things and taking things.
And I love this meta-level, because what we’re talking about here for you, these three things, are also three things that profoundly affect our child’s behaviour too.
These three things are the causes of challenging behaviours like hitting, biting, pushing, throwing and taking – and they’re the cause of our challenging parenting behaviours.
And I’m so grateful to Aletha Solter for outlining these.
They are:
Unmet needs:
A need for information;
An accumulation of painful feelings.
And these are the three reasons for children’s behaviours such as hitting, biting, pushing, throwing, and so on.
So, the next thing I want to do is offer you information to help you so that you’re more likely to be able to respond effectively and empathically.
And that is the CAUSE of those behaviours.
So, when a child is doing one of those things, it can often look like they’re feeling powerful, can’t it?
And in that exact moment of pushing or biting or hitting or throwing, they might feel some power.
But if we reflect on the times where we do painful things to them – like speak harshly or get tempted to threaten or so on, do you feel powerful just before you do those things?
What precedes those is generally when we feel powerless or frustrated or scared that we’re not going to get our needs met. We’ve gone into that fight or flight place in ourselves, where it’s as if we need to take action because we’re in danger. That’s when we go into aggression ourselves.
So, here’s another list that’s helpful in understanding WHY children do these things.
There are THREE ways we can respond to painful feelings in ourselves.
When we have unmet needs or events, those feelings can be met with:
EXPRESSION through crying or raging or laughing or sweating or shaking or talking;
REPRESSION – in children that’s through eating, running around, distraction, screens, hair-twilling, nose-picking etc.,
For adults that’s also through eating, coffee, chocolate, sweets, distraction, screens, social media, alcohol, thinking, being busy etc.,
AGGRESSION – for children that’s through what we’re talking about here – hitting, biting, pushing, throwing, taking,
For adults that’s things like punishments, threats, harshness, blame, shame, etc.
So it’s really remembering that when your child hits or bites or takes,
he’s not enjoying it;
he doesn’t actually really want to do it (apart from out of the fight or flight overwhelm, to get away from the frustration and powerlessness);
he isn’t choosing to do it.
These feelings show up when our children are feeling these painful feelings inside and they’re not getting expressed through crying, raging, laugher and talking.
Usually this can come about if they have had some experience of powerlessness.
And that is going to happen for pretty much every child because of the world that we live in.
Eventhough we aim to give our child lots of choice and autonomy.
And some children will have more experiences of powerlessness, such as if they are starting daycare or school and they don’t want to, or you’ve just put them into their own room and they don’t want to go, or they’ve just had a new sibling, or there has been a separation or a big trip away.
They haven’t had the chance to choose that, and that’s where those feelings of powerlessness and frustration come from.
And some children might have even more experiences of this kind. Particularly if they’ve experienced medical interventions.
If they were held down for medical interventions or left alone to cry and we didn’t come – and experienced either things were done to them that they didn’t want to be done, or they were calling out for help and we didn’t come, then they are likely to have lots more big feelings of powerlessness.
And remember how the psyche is designed to work.
When they get into a situation that reminds them in some way of the original painful experience, and they haven’t yet had the opportunity to express those painful feelings, then the feelings will come up in the moment to be heard and healed.
So one way is when they might be particularly being reminded of that original situation – for example another child is trying to take a toy from them, and it reminds them of not having choice about something been taken from them.
They feel that powerlessness and it takes them into the original feelings of powerlessness that are then bubbling up.
The other situation that the hitting or biting can come up in is when they are feeling really close and feeling love.
For example, you might have had a lovely time together and suddenly they hit or bite you. In those moments, it’s because the loving connection they are feeling is signalling to their psyche that there is someone there to listen, and the rage and frustration starts bubbling up and out.
And if those feelings of powerlessness from the past haven’t been able to come out in tears and tantrums and raging and laughter, then they will come out in aggression.
They aren’t enjoying it. They’re not choosing it. They’re not doing it to be annoying or because they don’t understand that it doesn’t hurt. They are doing it because their psyche is trying to heal.
And the paradox is that often we will try to tell them over and over, “Hitting hurts,” or, “don’t you understand how your brother feels when you hit him?”
The paradox being that they DO understand the painfulness of feeling powerless and feeling hurt. That’s WHY they’re doing those things, because they have had painful experiences of powerlessness and helplessness and being hurt emotionally.
In those moments, we’re forgetting to understand how they might be feeling in this moment!
And they need OUR HELP to do the healing that they are trying to do.
SO this is the THINKY piece. It’s the INFORMATION that can help you feel empathic, so that you can use the practical tools I’m going to suggest later in the article.
So that when they are doing those things, you have the cause in your mind and that helps you feel compassion towards them.
Rather than thinking, “I told them 50 times that it hurts” and telling them for the 51st time that it hurts, or for them to “have gentle hands”, or to tear your hair out in frustration about WHY they are doing it,
Instead, with this information you can remember WHY they are doing it.
Old feelings are bubbling up from the past that they are trying to express and have lovingly heard.
The MORE we can have those thoughts at that time:
THIS is why they’re doing it;
They AREN’T enjoying it;
They NEED MY HELP.
The more we are likely to feel compassion for them, feel empathy, feel loving support, and then be able to take effective and empathic action.
That’s why the THINKY piece is SO important, and why I’m giving it so much focus here.
SO What about our actions?
What can we do?
There are two types of actions:
PREVENTATIVELY and IN THE MOMENT.
A. PREVENTATIVELY
1. GIVING CHOICES
We can prevent more of those feelings of frustration and powerlessness going in there in the first place – by giving them lots of choices, for example, when you’re needing to go somewhere, Would you like to walk, or would you like me to carry you?” “Would you like to take a book or take your toy?” When they are putting on pyjamas; “Would you like the red ones or the blue ones?” When you want them to brush their teeth, “do you want the pink toothbrush or the yellow toothbrush?” “Do you want this first or that for dinner?”
The more we give them choices, the less powerless they will feel and the more of a sense of power they will feel, and the less likely they are to have more feelings of powerlessness.
2. HELPING THEM FEEL CONNECTED
Helping them feel connected is so important too, because connection is the antidote to powerlessness.
Present Time is a really effective way of increasing connection for both of us (I have a free course on this!)
I’ve been noticing that last week for myself. Generally I feel really connected with my son, but last week for various reasons, including doing lots of things with my daughter, I was feeling much less connected with him. And I’ve then found it was harder to be compassionate with him.
Whereas generally I feel really connected with him and thus really easy to be compassionate with him.
Connection is the antidote to powerlessness.
The more we can feel connected to them, the less likely we will go into powerlessness, and the more connected with us they will feel and the less likely they will be to feel powerless.
3. HELPING FEELINGS OF POWERLESSNESS BE RELEASED
And then there is whatever you can do to help the feelings come out.
The MORE they get to release those feelings of frustration, rage, powerlessness, the LESS likely they are to come up in those moments like when they’re on a slide and when another child wants to go down it.
And that’s things like listening to broken cookie moments and listening to feelings in general and really honouring their natural release and healing mechanisms of crying and tantrums.
The other way that they can release is through power-reversal games.
Power-reversal games are things like the swing game, pillow fights, or chasing games – in each case, your child gets to be the more powerful one, and you pretend that they are knocking you over each time they swing or hit you with the pillow or chase you around the house.
The more you can be goofy and exaggerratedly wonder about how powerful they are, and the more they laugh, the more that laughter and experience of being MORE powerful than you helps them release and heal from old experiences of powerlessness.
You can find out more about power-reversal games HERE.
IN THE MOMENT:
There are three things we can choose in the moment:
1. CONNECT WITH THEM
Grounding yourself in your sense of connection with them – REMINDING YOURSELF WHY they are doing it.
Reminding yourself that it’s painful feelings bubbling up and they need help, and TUNE IN with your loving compassion for them.
What you choose to do next depends on the situation and the child.
Sometimes it’s not going to be possible to do attachment play or you’re not in the position to do attachment play or you have the intuition to set a loving limit, so then I would go with loving limits in those cases.
At other times you might find the opposite.
That you set a loving limit and it doesn’t lead to the feelings coming out and you need to increase the connection preventatively by offering more PT and more power-reversal games to help the feelings more easily come out with a loving limits.
What do I mean by attachment play and loving limits?
2. LOVING LIMITS
If someone is getting hurt, the most helpful thing is generally to set a loving limit.
Loving limits to me are the balance of the masculine and feminine; the divine marriage of parenting!
Remembering that we are wanting to help the feelings come out through EXPRESSION rather than through AGGRESSION, which doesn’t actually create healing.
It’s NOT just about stopping the behaviour, because if you just stop the behaviour without addressing the cause, then those feelings are still there and they are going to keep on trying come out, probably in that same way.
So a loving limit is not only a limit; it’s also a quality of listening to help the feelings come out.
The way I would normally do a loving limit in this situation is set the limit first and then follow it with the empathy.
(in other situations where no-one is getting hurt I would put the empathy first and then the limit);
The limit is “I”m not willing for you to hit me, sweetheart” and doing what you might need to do physically to stop them hitting or hurting with as little strength that is required but that is enough to stop them being able to do that again.
With biting, it can be a bit harder – you might need to put your hand on their forehead to stop them biting again. If they’re trying to hit someone repetively you might need to hold them around the arms.
We’re aiming to prevent the behaviour, but not to lead to more powerlessness, so not stopping all movement, just the hitting or biting – our aim is to help them release and express the original feelings of powerlessness, not to add more!
The loving part is, “And I’m right here, and I’m listening.”
There’s no harshness or disconnection or blame or shame or punishment, there’s just the stopping and then the listening, and then the limit again, often.
If we just STOP the behaviour but don’t listen to the feelings, then those feelings are still there and will keep on trying to come out.
So, there’s the limit, “I won’t let you hit Susan,” and the love, “and I’m right here with you, and I’m listening.”
And remember this isn’t just about stopping the behaviour, because if we do that but don’t listen to those feelings, then those feelings are still inside them.
So it’s all about LISTENING to their feelings that will often come out when we set a loving limit.
That means staying with them, with whatever shows up. They might start getting more agitated and upset; they might start trying to hit or lash out more.
And THIS is where it’s so important to remember those thinky things.
They’re NOT doing it to be disobedient or annoying. They’re doing it because we’re providing the conditions for the original feelings to come out.
And we may need to keep setting the limit and offering the empathy.
They might keep on trying to hit or push or bite, and we can keep on saying, “I’m not going to let you hit me, sweetheart, and I’m right here with you.”
Letting them know we’re right there gives them the connection they need to express the painful feelings through raging and crying.
What if we get there too late?
I love borrowing this response from Patty Wipfler, of Hand in Hand/Parenting by Connection, which is similar to Aware Parenting, “I’m sorry I didn’t get here in time to help.”
What I love about this is that we are taking responsibility as the parent to help them stay safe and help them release the feelings that are causing those behaviours.
It can even be hard for us as adults to heal our own hurts that cause our own adult versions of aggression.
They cannot do that for themselves. They can’t phone a friend and ask for empathy and listen to the feelings, or do their own Inner Loving Presence Process, or phone a counsellor or therapist.
What if we set the loving limit and they don’t start crying and raging?
If they are still just trying to hurt and lash out, then we might need to switch to attachment play (see below).
And if this frequently happens, then we might need to do more Present Time and Power-Reversal Games to help those feelings be more easily released with us.
THEY NEED US
We are the ones that are there to help them.
We are giving them the sense that its our job to help them with their feelings.
AND also taking responsibility for our feelings when we go into our own aggression, and get our own Inner Loving Crew and Outer Loving Crew.
We’re setting the loving limit and LISTENING to the raging.
Differentiating aggression from expression.
I’d like to differentiate aggression from expression.
When a child is just hitting and biting, they aren’t expressing (ie. releasing) those feelings. The powerlessness and fear and whatever else lies underneath is still there.
BUT children MAY need to kick and thrash about when they’re releasing and expressing (ie. crying and raging), ESPECIALLY if they’ve had medical interventions where the natural response for the body is to act physically to prevent power-over, or if they were left and were asking for help and there was no response.
In the original scenario is bigger powerlessness like medical interventions, then the more physical expression needs to come.
That’s because the body is expressing that fight or flight response which didn’t get to be fully and safely expressed at the time.
3. ATTACHMENT PLAY
So, in the moment we can also respond with attachment play; and power-reversal games can be the most helpful here.
And of course this comes from understanding that we’re trying to help them release and express the feelings of powerlessness that lie underneath the aggression.
And knowing that these power-reversal games help children release and express those feelings, particularly when there’s lots of laughter.
It’s so different from the behaviourist paradigm, which would say that we’re rewarding the behaviour if we’re warm and loving and playful. See how different this paradigm is!
I love a couple of games from Sam Cuming, of Here with You Parenting.
One is the I’m a poor wee pillow game.
In this game, we get a pillow and protect ourselves from the hitting, but we engage in power-reversal games with fun, and pretend that the pillow is saying, “Please don’t hit me; I’m a poor wee pillow!”
This game can help your child feel connected, powerful, and if they start laughing or engaging in the play, it can help them release the feelings of powerlessness and fear that can underly the aggression.
Another one of Sam’s games is the ‘Ooh, yes, hit me pillow game’. In this game, the pillow likes being hit, and we’re voicing that, “ooh yes, oh hit me! hit me!”
Again, this can bring a sense of connection and the painful feelings can come out somewhat as laughter.
This is very different from asking them to just hit a pillow.
It’s remembering that although the feelings do have a physical component, that hitting in itself isn’t healing the original feelings. Those need to come out in either laughter, crying, or raging.
It’s also helpful to remember that the more painful the feelings of powerlessness, the more there is going to be a need for raging and crying.
Laughter helps release the lighter feelings and fears, but doesn’t replace the laughter or crying.
What if your child keeps on hitting and the attachment play doesn’t seem to work?
In this case you may need to, or go back to loving limits, and to see if your child can let the feelings out that way.
And if nothing seems to be making a difference, then I recommend doing more preventative work – with connection (Present Time), power-reversal games and listening to feelings that come up.
I’d love to share a bit more about my son and I’s story.
Until he was 4, he was deeply calm, present, relaxed and loving.
I’d listened to a LOT of feelings, and he was very clear emotionally.
And then his Dad and I split up, and he went from this calm compassionate boy, to hitting and head butting.
And he was hitting A LOT.
Any time his needs weren’t quite met, if I perhaps gently bumped into him, anywhere where there would be even slight feelings of frustration, he would hit and headbutt.
And he completely stopped crying to release and express feelings.
It was SO hard.
Because I was going through my own deep pain and powerlessness.
So if your child and you are going through something like this, I want to let you know that you’re not alone, and that I really understand how PAINFUL this can be.
There were many times that I didn’t respond in the ways I’m suggesting here, because of my own pain!
And that’s another reason I focus so much on our own thoughts and emotional state. Because you can know exactly HOW the most helpful response goes, but not be able to respond that way. Which was where I was.
But as I healed, I gained more capacity to do these things, and I responded with loving limits.
And then he got to the point where I’d set loving limits but there was no expression – no crying or raging.
So I realised that I needed to focus more on Present Time and attachment play; which I did.
And the last thing that helped was me claiming my own power in my life in tangible ways – starting making online courses – and that was the final step, because it helped me be with him in a way that felt like true power-with.
I was finally able to set a REALLY really clear loving limit, where I wasn’t willing for him to hit me and I wasn’t willing to get hurt and I was totally willing to keep loving him and loving me through it all.
And after thinking that I had lost my boy, he came back again.
He regained the capacity to cry.
He stopped hitting and head butting.
He became compassionate and gentle and loving again.
And in the last 3 years, I’d say that he’s lashed out once; maybe twice.
I share this story because it really is possible to help our children heal to the point that they stop using aggression and return to their capacity for expression, and their true loving nature.
Recap
So, in order to be ABLE to respond empathically and effectively to our child when they’re hitting, biting, etc., we can do these three things for ourselves:
choose the way we’re thinking about what’s going on,
make sure our needs are getting met,
and listening to our own painful feelings from the past.
Then, we can take effective and empathic action.
And those actions are:
Preventative:
giving choices,
connecting such as with Present Time,
doing attachment play especially power-reversal games,
and listening to crying and raging with loving compassion.
In the moment,
we also can choose between these three things.
Connection is a prerequisite for both attachment play and loving limits;
but we can choose between the latter two and observe our child to see what is proving to be helping them.
In Summary.
Children don’t want to be aggressive any more than we want them to.
They are doing it because of pent-up feelings from unmet needs and painful experiences, especially around powerlessness and choice.
The more we can be in an emotional space ourselves where we can respond compassionately and calmly with either attachment play or loving limits, the more they can release the underlying feelings which means that the situations in the present moment no longer help them connect with the original feelings because the original feelings have been expressed and released.
This is such a wonderful gift for everyone.
We get to enjoy our child more, and they get to heal from those experiences and feel more relaxed in their bodies and can enjoy things that they weren’t able to enjoy before, because of the pent-up feelings.
I hope you found this helpful.
If you want to find out more about expression, repression and aggression, I have a FREE INTRO course on Making Friends with Children’s Feelings and also an in-depth course.
If you want to find out more about attachment play, I have a FREE INTRO course here and a 4 week course HERE.
Love,
Marion
xxx