I love to contribute to other parents. So when I find ways to make my life more wonderful, I want to share them with you!
I’ve gradually been feeling more connected with myself and my children after being so busy and reactive recently.
This week, I had several hours at home alone. My children had gone off with their sibling-mother (we have been swapping looking after all four children as I talked about recently). Instead of doing the things on my ‘serious’ list, which include finishing my tax return, writing articles, etc. etc., I let myself do something that I might call ‘totally decadent’.
(When I was thinking of suggesting this to you, that that would be what I would suggest – to do something that, if you were to judge it, you would not have it anywhere near your “useful” list, and somewhere high on your “could I really let myself do this?” list.)
Mine was to lie on the sofa with the puppy on my lap and look up videos of all the places in the UK that I love on YouTube, whilst eating a box of English Thornton’s chocolates (I had asked my mum to buy me something English when she went shopping, and that’s what she had come back with!)
I had recently decided that a trip to England wasn’t to be – our new puppy just was too new to be left in the care of others – and was feeling the sadness of missing the land where I grew up, as well as my dad, and my old life. So, I spent 2 or 3 hours watching videos of places I love, all the while sobbing. And eating English chocolates! It was the exact sweet spot for the tears to come falling.
So, number one suggestion, make some time to do something that you rarely ‘let’ yourself do! Especially if it brings feelings!
Winter time is often an opportunity to let ourself mourn losses that we haven’t mourned yet. The longer nights, the increased darkness, the coldness, all these help us connect with sadness around people and places that are no longer. We are also invited to mourn old versions of ourselves that we have left behind. The mourning leaves us free and open for a newer version of ourselves and our lives.
The next day, I was still feeling sad. So, when my children (12 and 8), went on computers; instead of asking them to get off, as I would have normally, I decided it would be much preferable to help myself get through the rest of what was going on for me so that I could really connect with them, rather than offer them pretend connection, which is all that I had available at that moment.
So, they continued on their merry ways with computers, and I let myself do decadent thing number 2: read a trashy English romantic comedy whilst lying in the sunshine. And yes, a couple of hours later, and it had done the trick.
I felt spaciousness inside my body. I could breathe freely. I actually really had connection and presence available to offer my children. We had a lovely day together.
Over the past few months of being so busy, I had let myself fall away from one of my most treasured practices – taking time to do things that I really desire to do. And I had felt the lack.
Taking the time to sink deeply into my feelings and have a big cry, followed by lying in the sun reading a novel, reconnected me to myself, and thus brought me back into true connection with my children.
And of course, the universe can offer gifts in any ways. The book I had happened to pick up to read was about an English woman who lived aboard and who was going back to visit. There are no accidents!
The third thing I found, after the crying and the listening to what I wanted to do, came the clarity of mind to see and understand about what has been going on for the last couple of months at a deeper, structural level of consciousness. Everything made sense. What I thought had been going on, from the surface perspective, was not what had really been going on. And now I was free to reconnect with my deeper desires for my life; my new core belief and identity, and embody it.
After this, came the desires and impulses to organise our ‘beauty room’ (combined office and homeschooling room), write the article I’ve been thinking of writing, get on with my website, and finish my tax return!
So, in summary:
- If we are being reactive as parents, we probably have painful feelings to express and unmet needs to be met;
- When we give ourselves what we need to release painful feelings, we feel relief;
- When we follow our desires, our needs get met, and this is a direct route to connect with our self;
- When we’re connected with ourselves, we feel the desire to connect with our children;
- When we’re free in this way, we receive desires that pull us to express our gifts in the world.
- Relief brings mental clarity; we can understand the core beliefs that have been guiding the journey and are free to choose something different, aligned with our deepest desires for our lives.
If we are parenting in ways that we aren’t enjoying; if we are feeling disconnected from ourselves; if life is feeling lacklusture, then one option is to slow down. To listen to the feelings sitting there that wake us up at night to be heard; to listen to the strange promptings; to do the thing that seems the least helpful and most decadent, and to let it lead you back to your heart and your freedom.
I have found this again and again. When I’m stressed, and when I stop and simply listen to my feelings and what I really want, and let myself have it, then I eventually feel the deep desire to play with my children, to really meet them where they are, to write the article, or start the project, or do the tax return. The impetus comes from a true desire rather than a ‘should’, and that makes all the difference.
As usual, I’d love to hear if any of this resonates with you.