Hello! How are you feeling right now? I’m sending so much love and compassion to you.
I’d love to share about understanding the three types of feelings is so helpful at times like these:
A few years ago, based on Aware Parenting and other paradigms I love, I started writing about the three types of feelings: I call them needs-feelings, feelings-feelings and thoughts-feelings.
NEEDS-FEELINGS: Here and now needs create feelings in the body. When we pay attention to those feelings, hear the underlying needs, and meet those needs, the feelings can dissolve away.
FEELINGS-FEELINGS: Past experiences and the related feelings can show up when the situation in the present reminds us of the past in some way, or when we feel either supported enough, or overwhelmed enough, for the feelings to bubble out. The most helpful response here is to listen to the feelings so that they can be felt, expressed and released.
THOUGHTS-FEELINGS: What we are thinking, understanding and telling ourselves also has a profound impact on how we feel. Having accurate and helpful information, and self-friendly thoughts, helps us shift out of feelings caused by unhelpful ways of thinking. Here, the most apt response is at the level of thoughts.
In these big and powerful times, we can use Aware Parenting to support ourselves and our children at each of these levels:
Needs;
Feelings;
Information and thoughts.
NEEDS
I wonder what you’re needing right now? Safety? Protection? Empathy? Compassion? Choice? Agency? Rest? Connection? Community?
Is there something you’re willing to do to meet your needs? That can be messaging a friend, taking clear action, or having a bath with essential oils.
Unmet needs lead to physical sensations and feelings. For example, if you’re feeling tension and agitation in your body, snuggling up in a blanket, and connecting in with your breath and a sense of loving presence can help meet the needs of your body for care, relaxation and holding.
In these times, children might be particularly needing reassurance, connection, empathy, choice, protection, listening, play, and to be heard.
Is there something you have capacity to do to meet some of the needs of your child/ren?
Present Time, cuddles and loving presence can be really powerful to meet children’s needs.
FEELINGS
I wonder what you’re feeling? Overwhelmed? Scared? Confused? Unsure? Excited? Curious? Hopeful? Joyful? A combination of these?
Our own unexpressed and unheard feelings from the past will often show up at times like this.
So, if we’ve had significant losses that we haven’t fully mourned, we might feel loss or fear of loss right now. If we experienced a lot of powerlessness growing up that we haven’t worked with, we might feel deeply powerless. If we experienced frightening experiences and didn’t get to cry and shake afterwards, we might feel fear and terror showing up now.
Do you have a way of being lovingly present with these feelings and having them heard?
This might be with a friend or partner or professional listener, in person or virtually. It might be journalling, or if you’re familiar with my Inner Loving Presence work, it might be having your Inner Loving Mother with you, exuding unconditional love and the words, “I’m here and I’m listening.” For healing to happen, generally there needs to be a combination of loving, present listening and a reparative experience.
I wonder what your child/ren might be feeling? Children, particularly younger children, pick up on the feelings around them. So children might be feeling scared, confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, excited, etc.
Just like us, whatever is going on now can also help them connect with unexpressed feelings from the past. So if they have experienced a lot of powerlessness that they haven’t yet expressed and released, they might be feeling particularly powerless now.
There are two key ways we can help children feel and express and release feelings. With fear, uncertainty and powerlessness, attachment play and laughter have a hugely powerful therapeutic and releasing effect (as long as there’s no tickling).
For example, this morning I was with my 13 year old son, after I’d come back from the shops, intending to stay home as much as possible from now on. He has years’ worth of past Easter Eggs still in the fridge. I started joking that if we ran out of food, we would probably be the only ones left alive on earth because we would survive on his old Easter Egg stash. We laughed and joked and talked and released and felt relieved.
Yesterday, the father of my children brought them back home after being at their other home, and I had been wanting to talk to him about our combined family plans and precautions. He came in and started joking about needing to be 1.5 metres away from farts, and this joke went on for ages, with sound effects and goofiness and laughter from us all.
If your children are younger, playing role-play with situations that have been going on, and bringing in goofiness and silliness can really help. If they have seen people wearing masks, that might mean pretending to hide behind a mask and pop out again with a little, “boo!”. If they have heard conversations about toilet rolls, you could play funny games with toilet rolls! Power-reversal games are also really helpful if children have been feeling powerless; such as chasing games where they chase us and keep catching us and we keep pretending to be surprised about how they caught us so quickly!
Laughter is a powerful way to release fear, and if we use it with consciousness, it can profoundly help us all at these times.
The other key way is to listen with compassion to our child’s feelings. That might be giving them empathy verbally if they tell us how they’re feeling: “I hear that you feel scared/sad/confused, and I’m here and I’m listening.”
The other key way that feelings are expressed and released by children is through crying and tantrums and shaking and sweating. Instead of trying to distract our child if they are trying to cry, if we can stay present in our body and listen lovingly, they get to express and release those feelings, and will feel relieved when they come out the other side.
THOUGHTS AND INFORMATION
I wonder what you’ve been telling yourself in the past few days? I wonder what information you have acquired? Understanding what is going on and what we can do is an important need for both adults and children.
I have found that finding information from sources I trust has helped me be able to take action in ways that align with my values and helps me feel a sense of clarity and choice.
I haven’t been willing to tell myself things that cause fear (I’m going to write more about this in a post on how I’ve been using The Marion Method.)
What are sources that you trust and feel comfortable with to find information? Are you feeling informed? If you’re feeling overwhelmed with information, are you willing to set a Loving Limit with yourself and stop taking in more for now?
With children, giving them age-apt information is really important – your child will guide you in how much they want to hear. If you are feeling scared, it’s really important to do your own work around the fear so that you can communicate in a calm and reassuring way to them (I am also going to be sharing another post specifically on fear).
Noticing what they are saying and telling themselves can also be helpful – you can model helpful ways of thinking, tell them that you hear their thoughts, and offer your own perspectives.
Understanding the three causes and types of feelings is really helpful at times like this, so we can do whatever we can to support ourselves and our children in terms of needs feelings, feelings feelings and thoughts feelings.
If you want to learn more about attachment play, I recommend Aletha Solter’s book “Attachment Play” which you can buy online.
I also have a free ebook on attachment play, a free course on Present Time, and a longer course on attachment play.