In what I call The Disconnected Domination Culture (which is not an Aware Parenting term), there is a focus on early independence.
This cultural value means that in this culture, most parents are not taught about secure attachment.
All babies and children have strong attachment needs, because those are the safety instincts that our hunter-gatherer ancestors needed to survive.
Many parents are judged or shamed when their baby or child resists being separated from them, or cries when facing separation.
However, two of the several reasons for separation anxiety are:
1 ~ It’s a natural developmental stage for securely attached babies of approximately 6-24 months to want to be close with their attachment figures and not to want to be separated.
2 ~ It’s a natural need for babies and young children to not want to be left with unfamiliar caretakers, or those who are not warm, attentive, or attuned.
Both of these make so much sense, don’t they, if we think about their innate wisdom for safety.
If you or your child has been judged in response to them crying and not wanting to be separated from you, I’m sending you so much love.
I’m here to remind you that those judgments are likely to be both from that person’s cultural conditioning and their early childhood experiences.
Inside them, it’s almost as if there is an inner little two year old, who was longing to have the kind of closeness and support you are offering your little one.
However, separation anxiety is not only caused by a natural developmental process and an innately wise need for safety and care.
Another main reason for the clinging and crying is because the child has painful accumulated feelings that the separation is helping them connect with.
Children are innately wise and know how to heal from past stress and trauma.
One of the ways they do that is that when they feel safe in the present, experiences in the present will help them connect with those from the past and they will cry and rage, to release the past feelings and heal.
Separations can help them connect with general past stresses and trauma, but also specifically from past traumatic separations.
So it could be that the child who is crying in response to being left with someone they know and are familiar with, and who is warm and attentive, is actually healing from past painful experiences, including separation trauma.
This is particularly likely to be the case when a child is crying with one of their parents, with whom they are securely attached, and when they stop crying with the other parent. It’s very common for children to find it hard to express their feelings with one parent if the parent has generally distracted them from their feelings.
Although the main two reasons for separation anxiety are a need for safety and a need for healing, there are other reasons too, for example, when the parent doesn’t feel comfortable leaving them with another adult, or who has significant separation trauma that the possibility of separating from their child helps them feel.
HOW CAN YOU TELL THE CAUSE OF SEPARATION ANXIETY?
1 ~ Their age:
~ If they are between approximately 6-24 months, it might be because of their natural developmental preference to be with attachment figures.
~ The older they are, the more likely it is to be feelings from the past (although it is natural for children to prefer to want to be with familiar people with whom they have a secure attachment).
2 ~ Who they are being left with:
SOMEONE UNFAMILIAR
~ If they are being left with someone unfamiliar, it’s likely to be simply because they don’t feel safe yet. They need more time to get to know that person and be safe with them.
What you might do:
Set up more more time where you and your child are with the other person, so your child becomes more familiar with them.
Playing separation games such as peek-a-boo with babies and hide-and-seek with children, so that your little one is releasing light fears through the laughter and is becoming more used to the idea of being separated from you and knowing that you will return.
SOMEONE SOMEWHAT FAMILIAR TO THEM
~ If they are being left with someone fairly new, and they have had a few opportunities to get to know them, but they are still crying and protesting, it might be because that person is not warm, attentive, and attuned.
What you might do:
You might ask questions of the adult about their beliefs about children, and how they aim to be with children.
You might observe them interacting together to see whether they do offer warm attentive attunement.
SOMEONE WITH WHOM THEY’RE SECURELY ATTACHED
~ If they are being left with someone with whom they are securely attached, for example their dad, it could either be because they have painful feelings that need to be expressed and the separation is helping them feel and express those feelings, or that they have developed a control pattern with the other parent, e.g. a breastfeeding control pattern, which means it’s hard to express their painful feelings to their mum, and when they are being left with their dad, they feel safe to express those feelings.
What you might do:
You might then simply be lovingly present with them whilst they cry, offering your loving support, until they complete the whole crying cycle.
You might also play separation games such as hide and seek, and if they laugh, they are likely to be healing from the experience.
3 ~ Whether they experienced traumatic separations in the past:
~ If they have, it may be that separations in the present are helping them connect with those feelings from the past, so that they can heal.
What you might do:
You might want to play more separation games such as hide-and-seek, to help them release feelings in relation to past separations through play and laughter, where they also have opportunities to feel powerful by finding you, and being reassured that you didn’t want to be separated from them, when they find you.
You might want to simply be lovingly present with them when they’re crying, listening to their feelings, and saying things you think they might have wanted to hear back at the time of the separation. I invite you to keep listening right through to the end of the crying. They might need to repeat this many times, depending on the age they were when the separation happened, and how long it went on for.
If you want to learn more about separation anxiety, I wrote a free ebook, which you can access HERE.
I also recommend reading these books by Aletha Solter, PhD:
Cooperative and Connected
Healing Your Traumatized Child
Tears and Tantrums
The Aware Baby
And these books by me:
I’m Here and I’m Listening
The Emotional Life of Babies
All of Your Feelings are Welcome
If you want to learn more about separation games, one of the nine types of attachment play, you might feel called to do my Attachment Play Course, which you can find HERE.