Hello!
How are you?
I’ve been remembering how magic Present Time is.
Why is Present Time Magic Time?
Our children get a regular dose of the things that children need the most:
1. Deep Connection;
2. Choice;
3. A sense of power in their world;
4. Healing from the times that they don’t have deep connection, choice and a sense of power.
What is Present Time? (A refresher!)
1. A set period of time;
2. Where we give our full attention, presence, and adoration;
3. Where we let our child choose what happens;
4. Where we follow along in a deeply engaged way.
What are the Effects of Present Time?
1. Our children get those four needs met (deep connection, choice, true power, and healing from times when they didn’t receive those);
2. The behaviours that are caused by those needs being unmet (such as not listening, not cooperating, agitation, not sleeping, hitting, biting, throwing things, and sibling rivalry) reduce dramatically.
3. We feel much more connected with our child.
4. We also feel a sense of true power because we know that we can make a huge difference to our child’s needs and behaviour by giving them Present Time.
If it’s so wonderful, why do we avoid it?
1. We are avoiding connecting with ourselves and what is truly going on for us (Present Time requires us to be present with ourselves as well as our child!)
2. Old feelings can come up for us, such as sadness because we didn’t receive that kind of presence from our parents. So we avoid going there.
3. Old beliefs can get in the way, such as if we give MORE to our kids, we won’t have a scrap of time left for ourselves.
4. If we’re not giving ourselves our own Present Time (regular time to do things we love, that help us feel connected and alive and passionate), then our Present-time-giving-tank will be empty.
5. We experienced harsh limits or no limits rather than loving limits, and we are still learning how to set regular times to do nourishing and helpful things for ourselves and our children.
How can we transform these avoidance-causers?
1. Let someone be present with us so that we can feel into what is going on for us in a safe and held space.
2. Let ourselves mourn and cry for that little child in us who was longing for more presence and connection, choice and a sense of power.
3. Explore our beliefs. Perhaps we might prefer to believe that if we give our child regular present time, that they will be happier and more fulfilled and showing less of the behaviours we find so challenging, and so we will actually have MORE time for ourselves!
4. Give ourselves regular Present Time for ourselves, to do things that bring us alive, and help us connect with our juice, our passion, and our life force.
5. Learn about loving limits and their power and beauty by experimenting with them. Practice doing things regularly that are nourishing, such as massaging your feet for 5 minutes every night before going to bed, or having a green smoothie every day, or limiting Facebook scrolling to 10 minutes. The more we practice loving limits with ourselves, the more we develop our own inner modern masculine.
And another thing that can really help is to get together with other parents and do a Present Time Masterclass, where everyone commits to practicing a certain amount of Present Time (whatever feels honestly do-able) and supports each other with transforming what needs to be transformed in ourselves so that we can give it.
Would you like to commit to regular present time with your baby/child/teen?
At this point you might notice those parts of you that don’t want to, arise. “But I already spend so much time with my children,” or, “I don’t have anything left to give.” Remember that many of us cannot truly do this unless we address the questions about why we avoid it. We really do need to give to ourselves before we can give to our children.
So, have a look back through those questions and see which ones resonate with you.
Which ones do you need to attend to for yourself?
(It can be really helpful to write down which ones you want to work with, and then start with one of those.)
Which one to you want to start with? To let someone be present with us, to let ourselves mourn, to explore our beliefs, to give ourselves our own Present Time, or to practice Loving Limits with ourselves?
Write down the one thing that you are going to start with.
Now, would you like to commit to a regular amount of Present Time with your child/dren?
What amount of time is do-able for you for each child, and how often?
Write it down!
Writing it in your diary can be really helpful!
Please make it do-able and plausible for yourself. When you do that, then you increase your chance of sticking to it, and then you get more confidence that you can keep doing it.
When you set it too high, you are likely to not stick to it, and then feel discouraged and give up altogether.
Some suggestions:
1. Tell your child that it is coming soon (if they are under two, just give a few minutes notice).
(If necessary, such as for older children, tell them what you won’t do – e.g. no devices, no sugar, no hitting! If your child is old enough, you can call it Present Time, or “Peter Time” (if his name is Peter!))
2. Set the timer. Tell her that when it stops, that will be the end of present time.
3. If your child likes notice for changes, set a timer a little time beforehand, so that gives him an idea that it will be nearly over.
4. Give your full exuberant, present, adoring attention to her.
5. Follow what he does, do what he asks, avoid passivity – be alertly, curiously, engaged.
6. When the timer goes off, tell her that present time is finished, and gently but clearly bring it to a close.
(Tip #1 – make the timer bit shorter than you are actually willing to stay – that way you can sit and listen to feelings that he has about it ending. If he doesn’t want to stop, you can set a loving limit, “Ahh, darling, you love present time so much, and you really don’t want it to end, and I’m not doing any more present time with you right now – and keep listening to his feelings and giving empathy. Endings can often help children feel feelings about other endings, goodbyes, separations and losses – and our presence helps him heal from them.)
(Tip #2 – be prepared that she might find a pretext for a cry afterwards – she might not be happy with any of the bowls that you offer her, or she might do things that she knows that you don’t enjoy. It’s easy to think, “OH NO! I gave you all that present time, and now look!” Here is the time for a breath, and to remember that your giving her that beautiful present time also makes it safer for her to show you her painful feelings. It’s just like Christmas family get-togethers or date nights – the container of closeness creates the crucible for crying and change.)
And, because I am passionate about this,
I have a free course, Powerful Present Time Practice. Click Here to find out more.
And I’d love to share a bit about my experience of Present Time in the past few weeks. I hadn’t been doing it for ages, and with the new year, I wanted to start again. My avoidance had been number 5 in the Why Do We Avoid It List. I’ve been learning about nourishing boundaries for myself, such as getting up early every morning to write for 2 hours before my children wake up, and going to bed by 10.
I’d committed to 30 minutes a day with each of my children (Sunny is now 8 and Lana is 13). One day, Sunny chose to go for a swim in the pool in the rain. If it hadn’t been a part of present time, I would have avoided it. But as it was, I went in with him, and what do you know, I had a wonderful time! I did all the things he asked me to do, and I felt reinvigorated and re-energised!
On another day, I agreed to do Device Present Time as well as Present Time. We did normal PT first, and then DPT. Sunny chose Minecraft, and he asked me to follow him in Minecraft. It was wonderful, because I was so incompetent at it, and kept on getting lost or accidentally breaking things. He got to be the one who knew what to do, knew how to help, and could do it all.
(We forget how often we as the adults are the ones who know what to do, know how to help, and can do it all, and how frustrating it can be for our children to be the less powerful, knowledgeable and competent ones).
It felt really uncomfortable for me, and I’m so glad that I did it. At one point, my daughter joined in too, and we were all laughing.
Another day, my daughter chose for us to do the Rubiks Cubes together. She has recently learned how to do it off by heart, (whilst she was at her dad’s) and I am still following the instructions. So she gets to do two of them before I’ve even completed one. Again, she gets to be the competent one, the one who can help.
She also chooses cards, which she is also more competent than me in.
I always notice that my children are happier, more connected, more cooperative, and generally just a lot happier with life, when I am giving them regular Present Time.
So, I’d love it if you’d like to join the Free Powerful Present Time Practice Course
Much love,
Marion xxx
January 2015