Power-over, powerlessness and true power in parenting

I believe that our relationship to power and powerlessness is related to what we could call our own inner feminine and masculine.(If those terms don’t resonate with you, you could call them yin and yang!)

And when I talk about feminine and masculine, I hope you know that I see that these are aspects that both women and men have.

For example, if our child wants us to read them 10 books before bed or stay up to midnight or eat a whole packet of biscuits, and if we are more connected to the feminine aspect in ourselves at that moment, we are more likely to say yes. And if we’re more connected with the masculine, we’re more likely to say no.

The more feminine aspect is more likely to move to the permissive side of parenting – to aim to meet our child’s every need, but not to listen to our own needs.

The more masculine aspect is more likely to swing more on the authoritarian style of parenting – to prioritise our needs as parents above our child’s needs.

The more feminine side prioritises nourishment, connection, and saying yes.

The more masculine side prioritises clarity, consistency, and limits.

The far feminine side can veer to powerlessness.The far masculine side can veer to power-over.

Let’s take an example. Say a four year old is throwing books around the house at bedtime.

The far feminine side might just see this as an expression of feelings and just let it happen.

The far masculine side might get angry and stop it through shouting or harshness.

Often, being in the far feminine, and giving up our needs again and again, eventually takes us to the far masculine, and we might end up being harsh and setting a limit without love.

A marriage of masculine and feminine might see that the child has feelings to express, and might set a loving limit – which would mean stopping the throwing, but in a loving tone and with loving words, and then listen to the feelings which are causing the throwing behaviour.  When the child’s needs for connection and emotional release are met, she will no longer have the desire to throw the books.  

The inner marriage way can create true change.  

On the other hand, the far feminine way may lead to the child not getting to actually express the feelings that lie underneath the throwing, which is likely to lead to an increase in behaviours like throwing things, not cooperating, not sleeping, and so on.

And the far masculine way might lead to more upset feelings in the child, and more of the throwing-type behaviour.

And remember, this is a compassionate approach I’m offering here.Let’s have deep compassion for the times when we sink into the far feminine approach, and get permissive, ignore our needs, apparently give to our children, but often miss the opportunities to help them feel painful feelings that are trying to be expressed.  

Let’s give ourselves empathy for when we get resentful, or depressed, because we’ve told ourselves that we can’t get our needs met. For those times when we believe we are powerless.

And let’s offer the same self compassion for the times when we sink into the far masculine approach, and get authoritarian, and forget to listen to what is going on for our child. When we get harsh or set limits without love. For those times when we use our greater power to force our children to do things. For when we get angry or shouty or punishing or threatening. For those times when we believe that power-over is our only choice to get our needs met.

The way we are in parenting with powerlessness, power-over and true power usually is related to how we are with those things in all areas of our lives – our relationships, our relationship to ourselves, health, money, creative expression, and so on.That is because all of those come out of our inner relationship to power-over, powerlessness and true power, or the masculine, feminine and the marriage of the two.

I’d love to share a story about myself here. Many years ago, my life was very structured. For example, at university, I was very self-motivated. I kept strict times to studying, did what I said I’d do, and got great exam results. My masculine was very developed, but it was a harsh masculine – I hadn’t learnt self-compassion, or listening to my body and my feelings.

As years went by, and I became a mum, I moved over much more into the feminine camp. I chose going with the flow over routine and structure. I listened to what I wanted and what my children wanted, and had very few structures in place. Although I chose Aware Parenting, which values the marriage of masculine and feminine, I always veered on the side of permissiveness – I would tend to try to fix things over listening to feelings, and would prioritise my children’s needs over mine. I would go with the flow and very rarely set up regular arrangements.

After years of that, I realised that it really didn’t work for us!In the past few years I have been getting more of a balance of feminine and masculine – of listening to my needs and my children’s needs, of setting loving limits, of putting structures and limits into place as well as listening to what is flowing.

And what I see is that I came from a more masculine place, and swung into a more feminine place, and now I am finding more of a marriage of masculine and feminine.

The marriage means:

~ valuing our needs as parents and our children’s needs equally;

~ setting loving limits for ourselves and our children;

~ using true power rather than powerlessness or power-over;

~ being compassionate AND clear;

~ valuing what we love enough to put structures in place to allow them to happen;

~ speaking our truth AND being connected.

I’ll give you an example.  For many years, I’ve believed that I couldn’t meet my children’s needs as well as do what I love and share my gifts in the world. When I met their needs, it would be at the cost of mine, and I’d end up resentful and depressed. If I met my needs, it would be at the cost of theirs, and I’d feel grief and sadness.

Then I learnt how to put structures in place so that I can meet both needs.Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been getting up at least 2 hours before my children get up so that I can create courses, send out emails, write, set up websites, etc.

This means that when they wake up, I can be really present with them and prioritise giving to them, knowing that I’ve already given to myself.

We also then have one and a half to two hours a day where we all go on devices – they love to play games and watch things, and that means they know that they have that time for five days a week.

And I can catch up on emails, Facebook posts in my course groups, and so on.

And because I’m now in that marriage place myself around this, then they are happy to agree to this.

In the past I have tried all different things with this – but it really isn’t so much the strategy our children respond to, its the place in ourselves that they respond to.  If we come from a place of powerlessness, they are likely to not listen to us and not want to cooperate.  

If we come from a place of power-over, they are likely to rebel.

If we come from a place of true power and consideration, they are more likely to be be willing to agree.

So, before you ask your child to cooperate, check with yourself where you are at.  Are you in a place of powerlessness, power-over, or true power?This one thing can make all the difference.

And I have seen a huge difference in my children since I’ve been doing this.

In getting up early, doing my things, and then prioritising connection with them, my son is thriving. He is loving, happy, and deeply connected.

In giving to myself, I can truly give to them.  That helps them feel full up, which leads to much more enjoayble behaviour.Since I have had more of an inner marriage, I’ve been able to set up regular Present Time, which requires a marriage of masculine and feminine – masculine for the time limits, and feminine for listening and following within those time limits. The masculine time limits and the feminine deep listening work beautifully together.

And I see a huge difference in my children since I’ve been practicing regular Present Time with them.

With my daughter, who is a teenager, instead of being a bit forceful in trying to get her to talk or open up, I have sat back in myself and given her her own space and time to speak and engage. I sense a relief in her as she is free to engage on her own terms, and there’s more closeness and intimacy.

So, if you have a daughter, your relationship with her will probably reflect some aspect of your relationship with your own feminine.

Your relationship with your son/s will probably reflect your relationship with your own masculine.