Parallel Process is a term that comes from the psychotherapy world. It is used in several ways, but one way of using it is to explain how the client and therapist can have similar issues and themes, and that each bringing insight and growth to the theme can help the other grow and evolve.
In parenting, it can also be used in many ways.
But most of all, it’s the sense that just as parenting is about helping our children develop and flourish, that we have the opportunity to grow and flourish too.
If you think about it, I’m sure you’ll see that you have developed a part of yourself – you might want to call it your “Compassionate Parent” part; who responds to your child with sensitivity, compassion, empathy and understanding. You probably are present with your child in ways that you didn’t receive presence from your parents.
But often we forget that that “Compassionate Parent” part of ourselves can also be directed towards ourselves.
Just as we have learnt to act from that place towards our child, we can choose to act from that place for ourselves.
So, as we parent our child we can reparent parts of ourselves.
We can listen to our needs.
We can hear our preferences.
We can give empathy to our feelings.
We can be understanding and compassionate with ourselves when we act in ways that we regret.
We can be warm, loving and nourishing.
We have done all of those things with our child, and we can choose to do them with ourselves too.
This extends to the way that we view our sweet spots too.
When our child has a big reaction to something small, we can see that the feelings aren’t about the present, but rather, that the situation in the present is helping him feel feelings from the past that weren’t expressed and heard with empathy and compassion the first time around.
We can see that as his natural healing mechanism in operation.
Instead of fighting it, we can embrace it as the most amazing things human beings have – the capacity to heal so that they can stay connected with their deepest selves.
And we can choose to see our big reactions in the same way.
When we have a big reaction to something our child is doing (or our partner, or friend), instead of judging (ie. punishing) ourselves, we could see that it is our natural healing mechanism in operation.
The present is reminding us of something in the past, and our amazing psyche is using this as an opportunity to express what wasn’t expressed so that it can be really heard this time.
But of course, because the real situation isn’t really to do with our child, it’s up to us to either take those feelings to another adult, who can hear us in the way we needed to be heard the first time, with empathy and compassion.
Or, we can listen to them ourselves, from that loving aware parent inside ourselves.
The first key is to see that this isn’t about the present, it’s something from the past that is trying to be healed.
The second key is to actually let it be healed, rather than just recycling it again and again, having those sweet spots stroked without hearing the feelings with love and compassion.
There are so many other ways that this parallel process works.
You already know how you get to revisit how life was for you at three, when your child is three. When our child is three, we have the opportunity to not only be a loving parent of our outer three year old, but also a loving parent of our inner three year old.
And then there’s the similar sweet spot process.
If your child is having lots of separation sweet spots being stroked, it’s likely that all your separation sweet spots will get stroked too!
And yet again, we can choose to see this as a wonderful opportunity – as long as we take those feelings either to a friend, a professional listener, or our own inner loving parent. Without that, it becomes very hard to listen to our child’s feelings.
Doesn’t this make parenting just so incredibly rich and meaningful?
It’s really a tailor-made transformation retreat, that lasts at least for about 18 years (and probably a lot longer!)
I’d love to hear if any of this resonates with you!
And if it does, I wonder if you’d like to ask yourself a few questions?
1. How can you remind yourself to be a loving parent to yourself as well as to your child?
2. Where are your sweet spots being stroked with your child, and are you willing for those painful parts in you be heard with loving compassion?
3. How was life for you when you were your child/ren’s age, and are any of those issues coming up for you at the moment?
4. Do you get similar sweet spots stroked as your child does?
5. What feels most nourishing for you when your sweet spots get stroked? Your inner loving parent responding? Phoning a friend or empathy buddy? Talking to a listening professional? or something else, or a combination of these?
I’m sending so much appreciation for all the loving awareness you put into parenting.
Lots of love,
Marion xxx