Hello!
I’ve noticed a theme in quite a few women I’ve been working with recently, as they heal some of the things that happened to them with their parents.
I wonder if you recognise any of these things in your parents.
They weren’t able to hear your feelings, and when you tried to talk about yourself, they would bring attention back to themselves.
They don’t seem to be able to understand your perspective.
When you were growing up, they told you that your actions “made” them feel upset or sick.
They didn’t want you to separate from them.
You were punished in subtle or not-so subtle ways if you expressed a difference of opinion, your own uniqueness, or you wanted to separate out from the family.
Some people might classify these kinds of elements as “narcissism”, and if that’s a helpful term for you, by all means please keep using it.
What I find helpful for myself is to aim to understand what is going on at a deeper level.
The paradox is, we need to be heard and seen as unique beings when we are growing up. The more we are seen and valued as unique beings with our own feelings and needs, the more we can internalise that. We can then see and hear and value ourselves. And then we can see and hear and value others, and their differences.
So if one or both of our parents isn’t able to see us as a unique being, isn’t able to see our perspective, and keeps wanting us to hear them, the reason is often because they weren’t heard and seen when they were growing up.
They are still looking to be seen and heard. The thing is, they tried to get that from us as children, and they keep trying to get it from us and others.
The inability to see others comes because they haven’t been seen themselves.
It’s like with attachment.
In order to be securely attached, we need to have our needs understood and met most of the time. In having our needs met, we then internalise that, and can then understand our own needs, and as we get older, meet them ourselves, and also understand the needs of others.
Our culture still doesn’t understand attachment. So much of the more old-fashioned parenting paradigms were about trying to get babies to become independent. But they can’t be truly independent if they haven’t first had their needs heard and understood.
See the similarity? We need to be seen as unique beings in order to see ourselves. And then we can see others.
And we need our needs to be responded to promptly if we are to be able to meet our needs and grow up able to hear the needs of others.
So, if one or both of your parents isn’t able to see you, or hear your feelings, or understand your difference to them, or if they punish you for separateness, or try to make you responsible for their feelings, it might be because they were never seen and understood, and weren’t securely attached, and are trying to get those needs met from you.
If this is the case, what can we do to help ourselves heal, and what can we do so that we don’t pass on these hurts to our own children?
One of the most helpful ways is to connect with people who CAN see us and hear us and understand us and see our uniqueness.
Having friends, empathy buddies, support people, or professional help from people who are able to see your needs, hear your feelings, understand your uniqueness, and value you, helps you internalise those things.
The more we are seen clearly, the more clearly we can see ourselves.
And the more clearly we can see ourselves, the more clearly we can see our children.
That’s why valuing our own needs and doing our own healing is so helpful for our children.
The MORE we can understand and take care of our own needs, the LESS likely we are to make our child/ren responsible for them.
The more we can listen to our own feelings with loving compassion, and receive loving compassion from other adults, the less likely we are going to blame our children for our feelings.
The more we can heal our own hurts around closeness and separation, the more easily we will be able to support our child to individuate at their own pace.
These learnings and healings make a huge difference to our lives, and a profound difference to our children.
Imagine how it would be growing up valuing your own needs, so that you could naturally value the needs of others, WITHOUT sacrificing your own.
Imagine how it would be to grow up comfortable with your own feelings, and able to be empathic with the feelings of others, knowing that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
Imagine how it would be to be able to clearly ask for what you want, and say no to what you don’t want, without judging yourself and feeling guilt or shame.
The wonderful thing is, that we can heal these inner relationships.
And as I wrote in a recent post, we don’t need to do that with our outer parents.
We can do that with our internalised parents.
We can say the things that we didn’t get to say.
We can have our needs and feelings heard and honoured.
We can get to hear what we longed to hear.
Healing can happen.
These are all things that are part of the Inner Loving Presence Process Course.
Through gradually getting to know our Inner Loving Crew, we can begin to replace what we internalised about our needs and feelings and uniqueness, with compassionate support and encouragement.
This isn’t something that happens in a week or two. It takes time.
But it IS possible.
Through connecting with others who CAN hear our feelings and needs, and who see the unique human being that we are (that happens in the Inner Loving Presence Process Facebook group), we begin to internalise this for ourselves.
And just in case you’re wondering whether it really is possible to receive compassion in a Facebook group, here is what Sami said about the ILPP FB group:
“Wow. Just wow. I am at a loss for words that can accurately express just how profoundly moved and relieved I feel reading your comments here (in the FB group). The outpouring of empathy, love, compassion, support, acceptance, resonance and invitations for connection is like nothing I’ve ever known.”
And here’s what Pernille wrote,
“I just read this thread to the full. OMG. My mind is blown. My nose is running from the crying. The compassion and love here is so amazing and I don’t really have any words. Just thank you to all.”
And as we begin to internalise this compassion, this unconditional love for WHO WE ARE, then things like this happen, as Sasha shared:
This week, I’ve had this realization that I actually love myself.
It sounds kooky…. But I was sobbing and sobbing, feeling fear and all that came to me from my Inner Loving Mother was deep love and compassion.
And I remembered a time when I’d beat myself up over any time I wasn’t “perfect.” I’d say aweful hateful degrading things to myself in my head. Things I’d never say to another person.
And I realized, “gosh! This love and compassion, now, my Inner Loving Mother, is coming from ME!”
All I’ve been able to do this session is check in with my Inner Loving Mother and somehow it happened that I just learned how to love myself.
Thank you so so much. My life (most especially, my inner life) wouldn’t be the same today if I hadn’t found your course. And, as we all know, the inner impacts the outer to an immeasurable degree.”
And Pip had a similar experience:
“I just wanted you to know that I love what you do and give to me and the world…. You have changed my life. I have spent many years of my life thinking I need fixing. I have been to counselling, naturopaths, homeopaths, massage therapists… and interestingly, all women therapists….I think I have been searching for someone to take care of me, like a Mother… And now I know I can find her inside of me… my ILM. Just like Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Lion… everything I’ve been searching for, has been mine all along….
Big love to you, dear Marion..”
In fact, I’d love to quote you a poem ~ it’s by Lindsay Reuter, from Homecoming ~ because to me, it expresses the love of our Inner Loving Mother:
“And the Great Mother said:
Come my child and give me all that you are.
I am not afraid of your strength and darkness.. of your fear and pain.
Give me your tears. They will be my rushing rivers and roaring oceans.
Give me your rage. It will erupt into my molten volcanoes and rolling thunder.
Give me your tired spirit. I will lay it to rest in my soft meadows.
Give me your hopes and dreams. I will plant a field of sunflowers and arch rainbows in the sky.
You are not too much for me. My arms and heart welcome your true fullness. There is room in my world for all of you, all that you are.
I will cradle you in the boughs of my ancient redwoods and the valleys of my gentle rolling hills.
My soft winds will sing you lullabies and soothe your burdened heart.
Release your deep pain. You are not alone and you have never been alone.”
And what about healing from past hurts that keep coming up in the present moment – like that rage I felt and shared about last week which my son helped me connect with, but was actually about when I was 15?
That’s where the Inner Loving Presence Process comes in.
And here’s what Erin wrote about it:
“I love this process so much.
It is the best money I have ever spent on a course or healing modality. I am a Naturopath, Bowen Therapist & vibrational medicine specialist… I really feel like this inner work is leading me to the missing piece of the puzzle. The healing is so complete. It’s not easy, but it’s beautiful. Thank you Marion.”
And then, when Kylie received another email where I shared Erin’s words, she wrote back to me saying;
“I freaking LOVE what Erin said.
It totally resonates with me. Of all the modalities I’ve used; kinesiology, the emotion code, life coaching, tapping, positive affirmations, applying the principles of the law of attraction, law of vibration etc – the ILPP is the by far the most effective for me.”
And when I wrote to her and asked if I could quote her, she said, “YES you absolutely CAN quote me. Anything that is as a effective as ending significant suffering and as empowering to the individual to heal themselves as this has to be shared!”
You can tell I am passionate about this work!
I know what it is like to feel guilty and ashamed, to quieten my voice because I was afraid of being judged, and to keep really small.
And my life is like a different life. Without guilt and shame, everything is different.
I start my day off listening to my Inner Loving Crew (usually my Inner Loving Mother), and that sets the tone for my day.
Self-compassion is my default now.
At times, I am touched to tears when I reflect back on how I used to treat myself, and how I used to be willing for others to treat me as a consequence, and how different things are now.
And that’s a whole element of the course that I haven’t even talked about yet – how our own internal dialogue has a huge impact on our outer relationships.
I used to have someone in my life a long time ago who judged me. A lot. Told me I was ugly and skinny and stupid.
And I would cry, and I would be in so much pain. But I kept on staying. I kept on putting up with it. I was willing to be treated like that. Because it matched my own inner dialogue.
There is NO WAY I would be willing for someone to talk to me in those ways now.
What was outer becomes inner.
What is inner becomes outer.
Our relationships with our parents, siblings, teachers and peers become internalised and profoundly affect how we respond to our feelings and needs and what our inner dialogue is like.
Then that inner relationship is projected out into the world and profoundly affects our relationships, our life choices, and even what Life sends to us.
That is why I talk SO MUCH about our inner relationship.
When we change our inner relationships; our outer life changes.
The next live round of the Inner Loving Presence Process Course starts TOMORROW at 8pm Sydney time.
You can find out more HERE.
I’d LOVE to see you there!
Love,
Marion
xxx