Our beliefs about children, human beings and parenting have a profound effect on how we feel when we’re with our child, and what our responses are likely to be (beliefs aren’t the only things that affect how we feel and how we act, but that’s what I’m focussing on today.
There are many different beliefs about what is going on when a child is crying or having a tantrum.
I really value each of us adults getting clear about what we believe so that we can make clear conscious choices about those beliefs, and the actions that come from them.
Here are a few different beliefs that I see there are in the culture about tantrums.
We may believe aspects of more than one of these.
Rather than judging any of these as ‘wrong’, I value us knowing the beliefs we hold, checking out if they still resonate with us, doing research and reading if we feel called to, and being willing to discover new ways of thinking if the ways we have been believing no longer resonate.
I am passionate about compassion for all parents and all children.
I’m here, not to help you change your mind or to ask you to believe what I believe, but rather to invite you to enquire into your core beliefs about children and feelings and behaviour, to see if what you are believing is actually what you want to believe.
And if you resonate with the last set of beliefs on this list, and want to learn more, I love to contribute in offering information and support on this last paradigm.
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Key belief about Tantrums: they are ‘misbehaviour’, ‘manipulation’ or children ’trying to get their own way’.
Underlying belief: there is such a thing as misbehaviour. Behaviourism: children need to be taught to be calm and helpful members of society through punishments and rewards.
Possible thoughts when children tantrum: “I need to teach them to behave. This is for their own good.”
Possible feelings when children tantrum: detached, determined, frustrated, angry.
Possible actions: judgment, punishment, shaming.
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Key belief about Tantrums: Children are being ‘irrational’ and having a ‘big reaction over nothing’.
Underlying belief: that children are unable to control their feelings; feelings are immature and often don’t mean anything.
Possible thoughts when children tantrum: “I need to help them become more rational and less emotional. I need to help them use their words.”
Possible feelings when children tantrum: confused, uncomfortable, frustrated.
Possible actions: ignoring, laughing, leaving alone, trying to make them stop.
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Key belief about Tantrums: they are a sign of ‘unmet needs’.
Underlying belief: Painful feelings are caused by unmet needs.
Possible thoughts when children tantrum: “What do they need?”
Possible feelings when children tantrum: concern, curiosity, compassion, overwhelm, frustration, helplessness.
Possible actions: offering food, entertainment, aiming to meet the need.
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Key belief about Tantrums: they are a sign of a child’s ‘immature prefrontal cortex’.
Underlying belief: children have not yet gained the capacity to self-regulate and need an adult’s help to do that.
Possible thoughts when children tantrum: “How can I help them self-regulate here?”
Possible feelings when children tantrum: calm, care, gentleness.
Possible actions: helping children find ways to calm down and stop the crying and tantrumming.
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Key belief about Tantrums: they are a natural healthy ‘release, relaxation and healing mechanism’.
Underlying belief: Tantrums a natural nervous system mechanism which release and express painful feelings, stress and trauma from a child’s body, to bring them back into homeostasis.
Possible thoughts when children tantrum: “I’m here to listen to their feelings and be present with them.”
Possible feelings when children tantrum: calm, compassion.
Possible actions: staying close and listening lovingly to the feelings.
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That last approach is the Aware Parenting approach.
I offer some free courses, some free online workshops on my FB page, a prerecorded online workshop, two courses with live trainings, my Membership, and 1-1 Aware Parenting Mentoring. The details are below
FREE COURSES:
FREE Intro to Making Friends with Children’s Feelings
FREE Powerful Present Time Practice (works like magic for many parenting challenges)
FREE Intro to Attachment Play ebook
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ONLINE WORKSHOP:
#WHY IS MY CHILD? SERIES $33includes: Why is my child not cooperating?
Why is my child not sleeping?
Why is my child hitting, biting, pushing, taking or throwing?
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COURSES:
Attachment Play Course – $150 or 4 payments of $40
Making Friends with Children’s Feelings Course – $250 or 6 fortnightly payments of $50
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MEMBERSHIP:
Aware Parenting with Marion Membership – $55.55 per month
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MENTORING:
6MonthsWithMarion Aware Parenting Mentoring – 1 space available.
Message me for details
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I received this testimonial from Kylie on Monday and felt SO deeply and incredibly touched!
As much as I’d love to keep her all to myself forever, the world needs more Marion Magic right now so if ur feeling the pull for some heart centred soul guidance, here is a testimonial I wrote based on the work we’ve done together so far?
Dear beautiful, Marion,
Words cannot describe how grateful I am for the depth and unwavering, unconditional love and support you have shown me. You humbly describe yourself as a Mentor but your work is nothing short of healing and positively transformational.
When we embarked on this massive journey together I consciously set HUGE goals and little did I know my Soul was setting some of her own.
I never, in a million years, would have anticipated the profound positive shifts I so longed for would happen in such short space of time.
To be honest, I more imagined their would be a long, slow gradual build up required in order to achieve such change, for me to establish the resources, confidence and courage to leave my ‘secure’ public service job would take at least one to two years. This happened totally unexpectedly and divinely within weeks of us working together. I am still blown away at how it all unfolded and have not been happier pursuing my soul work since!
We had been experiencing significant challenges with one of our children that was noticeable to all who were around us. The judgement and rejection of their behaviour and feelings and the lack of compassion and desire to understand what was driving the behaviour from modern society conditioning felt crippling and isolating to me.
Within an incredibly short space of time you guided me through two massive experiences with my child, supporting and reassuring me that their raging expression was healthy and my capacity to stay with them until the charged energy and feelings neutralised would be hugely beneficial.
Along side birthing my last baby undisturbed, this was the most powerful and empowering parenting experience I’ve had. What’s most remarkable though isn’t the softening and relaxation I witnessed immediately after the rage and grief, it’s their genuine expression of love, concern and generosity for themselves and others that has consistenly continued to be part of their nature for the MONTHS following and still to date.
Pain is an interesting part of our human experience and ‘being present’ is a popular recommendation to work with or heal pain.
“be present with your emotions”
“be present with the other person, they don’t have the capacity,”
“Just be present with yourself”
“Just be present with them”
Who else gets how incredibly freaking difficult or even impossible it is to ‘just be present’ with your own pain or with others?
This reminds me of the saying “people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves” – Matt Kahn.
It is crystal clear to me, and I believe everyone I have seen you work with, your ability to be piercingly present is like no other. And I feel confident in saying this is because of how deeply and passionately you ABSOLUTELY practice what you preach.
You never expect the souls your working with to do things or go places you haven’t been yourself. You lead by example using your tools and practices daily not coercing others to do the same, but gracefully inspiring them too – just like a true leader.
You know what pain is, you know how to feel and honour it, you’re not scared of it, you know that it’s a beautiful healthy part of us that needs to be heard and healed rather than rejected and suppressed. And, in my experience, you do that like no other.
You are a living, breathing example of what is underneath the pain, love.
Absolute, unwavering, unshiftable, undeniable, unconditional love.
Its where we come from and its where we go. It is our true essence, and you, Marion Rose, live and teach it like no other.
SO much eternal love and gratitude to you,
Kylie xoxox