I wonder if the title caught your attention. It came to me this week. I know that when I am aligned, when I’m caring for myself, when I’m deeply connected with my children and they are deeply connected to themselves, life is heaven. There is love, there is joy, there is a wonder in being alive.
And when I am counter-intending, not caring for my needs, disconnected from my children and they are disconnected from themselves, life is like hell. There is stress, there is pain, there is conflict and struggle.
I really value integrity and transparency, and I want you to know that I have those hellish times at times!
And of course the important question is: when we are in hell, how can we get back to the heaven that is waiting for us?
Here are a few things that I find helpful:
1. Read something, listen to something, or do something, that helps you connect back to your ability to CHOOSE.
I know that when I’m in the hellish place, part of what makes it feel hellish is that I’m believing that I can’t change it.
Example: Yesterday I was in that place. I got in a warm bath, and got out a book I was reading. It was by Anthony Robbins! I was feeling so fed up. And after a few pages, I read something that I connected with. Inside, I knew that I could change. I felt myself sigh and I literally felt the different feeling state. It was the knowing that I can do something different here. That I can make a change. Phew!
2. Get with some WOMEN FRIENDS. And TELL THEM what is going on. Let yourself cry. Let them hold your hand or hold you. Be heard. Know that you are supported. And if that isn’t easily available right now, find the next best version. An online group of women, a phone call to a friend, even a text, can make a difference. Choose someone who will both be empathic, and who will also encourage you that you can make a change too.
Hiding alone in our suffering often means prolonging it. As human beings, we heal when we get together.
Example: Yesterday I had my local Love Being a Mother group. It’s been going for years, so I often get a turn at sharing too. Once I opened my mouth about what has been going on, I burst into tears. They gathered around me and listened, and it felt so lovely.
3. Make some PRACTICAL changes. That might be doing something different the next morning, to help you reset to who you know you can be. Perhaps you put on beautiful music for all the family to listen to. Perhaps you bundle everyone into the car and go for an outing to a park. Have a shower. Put on some music. Doing something different can help us step into a more heavenly state.
Doing the same old thing often leads to the same old thing.
Example: Every morning in December I’ve been lighting our Christmas Candle and putting on Christmas Carols from King’s College, Cambridge. That’s been a beautiful and different start for my family.
4. LOOK BEHIND the curtain of what is going on to what is really happening here. There is usually something else going on.
For example, we have hit a new ceiling around our beliefs about our competence. Perhaps you’ve stepped out into the world more and you hit your belief about being big in the world being dangerous, so you drop your mothering level to keep yourself safe. Or perhaps you’re about to step up in some other area of your life which feels scary, so getting into mothering hot water acts as a distraction and a good reason for not doing it; “I can’t possibly start that blog until I sort out my parenting.” One way of answering this question: “What would I be doing right now if I was in parenting heaven?” – this can often help us see what is hiding in the shadows.
Example: I’ve realised this is another level of a very old belief that if I’m really competent, something dangerous will happen. I’ve been running my first online course, so I’ve stepped out into the world more. As part of that old belief, better dim myself down in another area – my parenting is a perfect one to do that, especially since I help other parents!
5. Remind yourself that each new day is a NEW DAY, an opportunity to start again. Whatever happened yesterday, you can start afresh.
You can repair things that happened with your child/ren. You can reconnect. All you need is the willingness to do it, to change your feeling state, and to say “NO MORE” to the old beliefs!
Adding those practical changes can help yourself with that!
If you are in parenting heaven right now, then I am celebrating with you! Enjoy the beautiful, wonderful, amazing deliciousness and privilege of being a parent.
And if you are in parenting hell, then my heart goes out to you. And I want you to know that you CAN change this, even if it seems impossible right at this moment.
Sending you lots of love,
Marion xxx