How are you?

I want to share my experience of today because it’s really important to me to share my challenges with you, so that you know that I have off days too!

Yesterday, my 10 year old son really wanted to play a new computer game with his sister and me.

But her computer was so full up that there wasn’t room to download the game.

He REALLY wanted to play this game, and so he asked me to sort our her computer and delete files so that it had enough room on it.

This is one of my LEAST favourite things to do. I don’t even enjoy clearing space on my own computer, let alone doing it on hers too!

I could feel myself getting frustrated.

I did a few things, deleted a few things, and then tried to update it. We all waited for about an hour but still nothing worked.

He SO wanted to play this with her, and repeatedly asked me to do more things.

I had another go. And yet again, not enough space for the game.

I didn’t want to do it, and I didn’t know how to do it. (That was the charged phrase).

And he asked me again.

And a huge rage bubbled up inside me.

Ideally, when I was feeling the frustration, I would have invited one of my Inner Loving Crew to give me empathy; to hear my frustration.

And ideally, as the feelings built up and clearly were bigger than seemed warranted by the situation, I would have realised that an old memory was coming up to be healed, and would have had some quiet time to do an ILPP.

But I didn’t do either of those things, for various reasons.

So, as that rage came tumbling out, I also didn’t explain what was going on for me, and go off to the bedroom to do an ILPP.

Instead, I felt the urge to move into aggression.

The rage was so big and I wasn’t connected with my Inner Loving Crew in that moment.

I picked up a big milk bottle and was tempted to throw it. But instead, I picked up my favourite pen and threw it on the floor instead.

The ink splattered as the pen shattered.

And my son burst into tears.

So I went and held him, and he cried and cried.

I listened to his feelings.

He told me that he’s been wanting to play this game with Lana for ages, and how upset and frustrated he’d felt that her computer wouldn’t work today.

I gave him empathy, “You’re really upset and frustrated? I really understand how much you’ve been wanting to play it with her.”

I listened and held him as he cried and talked.

And as his tears abated, I apologised and explained a little bit about how much I really didn’t enjoy doing those kinds of things on computers.

We talked more and I came up with an idea of calling the local Mac shop and seeing if they could do it. And made an appointment for this morning.

And a little later, I went and did the Inner Loving Presence Process for myself.

I connected with him asking me over and over again to do something that I didn’t want to do and found really challenging and asked myself what it reminded me of.

And straight away I remembered being 15 (the same age as my daughter now – often things come up to be healed when we were the age of our child/ren) and being told repeatedly to do my maths homework by my teacher, and my Dad.

I could see me, in a particular room in our house. I could see the furniture.

And I had my Inner Loving Father there with me, listening to me, supporting me.

What were the thoughts? “I don’t want to do it. He keeps on asking me to, and I don’t want to. I hate doing maths homework. I don’t know how to do it.”

And my Inner Loving Father listened to me and gave me empathy, at each step.

How did I feel? RAGE. Absolute rage. As my ILF listened, my face turned into an expression of rage and I roared (quietly in the bath!) – I find that as long as I am connected with the feelings in my body, and at the same time connected to the loving empathy from my Inner Loving Crew, I don’t necessarily need to be really loud for healing to happen!

What did I need? To choose. To have autonomy.

What did I want to say? “STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I AM A SOVEREIGN BEING AND I CHOOSE WHAT TO DO. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO.”

What did I want to hear? At first, I tried out “I’m sorry,” but when my Inner Loving Father said that to me, my response was, “That doesn’t cut it.” So I listened in again. And what I wanted to hear, and what my ILF said was, “You are right. I don’t have any authority to tell you what to do. You ARE a sovereign being, and you DO get to choose what you do.”

Ahh, and with that came some relief.

And there was more.

And then I had a sense of needing to go through the whole process again, which I did – the thoughts, the feelings, the needs, what I wanted to say, and what I wanted to hear.

And then I had a sense of completion.

And so my present-day self went to talk to 15 year old me, and I said, “Do you know, when you are an adult, you won’t send your children to school.” (she was amazed that this was even possible!) “And they won’t have any homework, or tests, or be made to do things that they really don’t want to do. Your experiences weren’t in vain, because they had a huge impact on how I/you/we treat our children. And your feelings have also influenced me and how much I care about children and their need to choose.” And as the 15 year old me heard all this, tears came. Beautiful healing tears. I cried and cried, as I felt that sense of the suffering not being in vain.

What next?

Well, I have filled in another piece of my emotional cartography.

I know that if my son asks me to do things and I start feeling frustrated, that this might be the sweet spot I’m connecting to again.

If so, I’ll be able to remember what 15 year old me needs to hear: “You are a sovereign being. You get to choose what you do,” and I’ll invite my Inner Loving Father to give her empathy and say those words to her.

I’ve found that having done lots of these and knowing lots of my own emotional cartography means that nowadays I have very few moments like the one I had yesterday.

It’s pretty rare for me to get to that point nowadays, because I’ll either give myself empathy from my Inner Loving Crew, or will recognise the sweet spot that’s coming up, and where it fits into my emotional cartography, or will do a new ILPP as feelings are arising.

AND I wanted to share today’s experience to let you know that I am still learning and growing, and I DO have days when I do things that I’d prefer not to do.

AND the thing is, I don’t judge myself. Five years ago, I would have judged myself, felt guilty and ashamed, and that would have got in the way of me being able to be fully present and listen to my son whilst he cried.

Not judging myself means I can much more quickly shift into repair and healing mode. And not judging myself is also down to having my own inner loving crew with me, loving me.

I wonder how this was for you to read.

Did it help to hear that I have days like this?

Do you have any similar sweet spots?

Are you willing to stop judging yourself if you do things that you’d prefer not to do to your child/ren?

As I mentioned the other day, I have a new live round of my Inner Loving Presence Process Course starting next week.

I have some free resources, if you’re wanting to find out more.

I have a free ebook which talks about how we internalise our experiences with our parents, siblings, peers and partners, and how those affect the way that we respond to our needs and feelings, and what our inner dialogue is like.

You can access that HERE.

And you can also get the first 5 days of the course for free, in the Inner Loving Presence Process Taster, HERE.

And you can find out more about the course HERE.

Love,

Marion

xxx