When my children were younger, I used to use loving limits quite a lot with them.
Now that they are older, I don’t use loving limits often.
I’m much more likely to go for connection and attachment play.
But last night, I did use loving limits with my son (9), and I thought you might be interested in reading about it.
What are loving limits?
Loving Limits are a combination of loving connection AND a limit;
Why use loving limits?
When our child is doing something that tells us that they are disconnected from themselves and their true nature;
And we want to help them reconnect with themselves;
And we want to help them release the feelings that are getting in the way of being connected with themselves;
And we want them to stop doing whatever it is that they are doing;
When might we use loving limits?
When our child is about to hurt themselves, someone else, or us;
When our child is asking for something in a really agitated tone, and has been acting agitated for some while;
When we’ve done what they’ve asked, and then are still agitated;
When they are doing something that we know is a control pattern for them;
When they are doing something that they know we don’t want them to do (this is often the way that they ask for help with letting feelings out);
How do we set loving limits?
If we need to stop that thing quickly, (eg. they are about to hurt someone), I suggest setting the limit part first, eg.
“I won’t let you hit me.”
I recommend a clear I-statement, because CONNECTION is vital for loving limits to work.
If you say something like, “We don’t hit,” it doesn’t create the kind of connection that is usually needed.
I also wonder whether it is confusing for the child, if he has hit, and he is being told that his family doesn’t hit. Where does that place him?”
If you say something like, “It’s not okay to hit,” it also often misses out on the love and the connection, and is unlikely to lead to our child feeling the connection needed to let out the feelings underlying the hitting.
Children also find it hard to differentiate our acceptance of them and their acceptance of their behaviour.
They can easily translate those words into the sense that they aren’t okay.
And if you’ve said those words in the past, it’s never too late to change the wording.
And then we can give the love part, the empathy part next, eg.
“You really want to hit me right now, I can see that.”
If it isn’t urgent, we might give the love first;
e.g.. “I hear that you really want more time on the iPad/another biscuit/for me to read you another book.”
The love part of loving limits means giving empathy, really hearing them and where they are.
And then we’d follow with the limit, eg.
“I’m not willing for you to have another biscuit/I’m not going to read you another book.”
And then, we generally need to restate the other side of the loving limit again, so that it really is a combination of love and a limit.
What is the purpose of loving limits?
The primary purpose of loving limits ISN’T to MAKE children do what we want, or stop what we don’t want.
The primary purpose of loving limits is CONNECTION.
The second purpose is to help them RELEASE the feelings that are causing that disconnected behaviour.
The third purpose is to prevent or stop the behaviour, at the level of cause, by giving them the connection and release that they needed.
What are loving limits NOT?
Loving limits are not punishment;
Loving limits don’t include harshness;
Loving limits aren’t about disconnection;
Loving limits aren’t about using our power over our children.
Here’s an example:
Yesterday, my son (9) came back from his dad’s house.
He was obviously and unusually upset.
He was avoiding eye contact, he didn’t look at all happy, his tone of voice was agitated, and he didn’t want to cooperate with anything.
His body language clearly showed me that he was sitting on some painful feelings.
We had various connected moments during the day, such as cuddling on the couch, chatting about their weekend, and sitting on the couch next to each other doing our Rubiks cubes.
He seemed happier.
But when we were having our device (screen) time in the early evening, after about half an hour he shouted out to ask me to plug in the charger into his computer.
He was about a foot away from the charger, and I was about 10 feet away.
Usually, I might have been willing to do it, but I could tell from the tone of his voice that the feelings that were around earlier had come to the surface.
So, I set a loving limit;
“You really want me to do it, sweetheart, and I’m not going to do it for you. I know that you can do it.”
And straight away, the feelings that had been bubbling, started pouring out. He came to me, at the other end of the room and much further away from the charging cord (another sign that it wasn’t about the cord!)
He started to cry, asking me to do it.
And I kept on setting similar loving limits, “You really want me to do it for you, and I’m not willing to do it. I know that you can do it.” (all in a loving tone).
He cried and cried, and then he tried to hit me.
Again, I kept the loving limits going; “I won’t let you hit me; I see that you’re upset.” And deflected the blows, moved away if necessary, blocked his arm or leg if they were getting close to striking me, and kept connected.
After about twenty minutes, he was much calmer and happier and more connected.
He went over to the charger and asked if I would be willing to hand it to him and he would plug it in the computer. I said yes, and he did, and he had the rest of his device time.
And I could tell that he was feeling much more connected to his true self; cooperative and connected, because after the timer went off for the end of device time, he just finished what he was doing and got off himself, without any reminders.
He had reconnected to his desire to cooperate and contribute.
For the rest of the evening, he was happy and cheerful.
He and his sister chatted away happily and he went to bed easily.
Loving limits are such a helpful part of Aware Parenting. (I coined the term ‘loving limits’ by the way. Aletha Solter talks about limits; I just made up the term because I liked how it describes both sides of what happens.)
Loving Limits fit together beautifully with connection and attachment play, and listening to tears and tantrums.
If you want to read more about Loving Limits, you could click here or here or here.