Hello!

I was going to write a nice cosy email about how relaxed I’ve been feeling since I’ve been doing so much self-listening, but then last night and this morning I could feel feelings bubbling. 

I have a dentist visit booked today – I’ve had tooth pain for a few days and suspect I need a filling.

Those uncomfortable feelings were clearly feelings from past dentist visits that haven’t yet been given expression and compassion.
 

So, this morning I listened in with my Inner Loving Crew – all four of them were there – my Inner Loving Mother, my Inner Loving Father, my Inner Best Friend and my Inner Beloved, whilst I went back to two dentist visits from my past.

Once was whilst I was a child, and I started crying really loudly in the dentist’s chair, and the dentist slapped my face.

This time, when I revisited it, I said to him again and again, “GO AWAY! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!” And my Inner Loving Father was there, and this time he said, “I won’t let you hurt my daughter.” 

With my Inner Loving Crew there, I could let myself feel the fear and sadness too – I’d had teeth taken out which, in retrospect, didn’t really need to be taken out.

I revisited another experience too, with my Inner Loving Crew there.

Ever since I booked this visit, I’d known that I was going to spend some time listening to the feelings of my younger selves.
 

How do you and your children find dentist visits?

Dentist visits are likely to help bring up big feelings if you or your child have had any traumatic past dentist visits, or medical procedures of other kinds.

For example, if your child had any medical procedures as a baby that he didn’t get to heal from afterwards, then a dentist visit is likely to bring up those feelings this time.

But also, any big feelings of powerlessness from other types of experiences are likely to come up too during dentist trips.
 

I remember so clearly the day I took my son to the dentist shortly after his Dad had left.

The dentist was incredibly gentle, went slowly, told Sunny to stop him at any time, and did a very small temporary filling, with no injections and with the most minimal intervention possible.

But the minute Sunny got off the chair, he went into power over. He was trying to hit me repeatedly. It was one of the most painful parenting times I’ve ever experienced. 

It was clear to me that the huge powerlessness he felt around not getting to choose about his Dad leaving, was coming up in that situation with the male dentist doing something to him that he didn’t want.

The next time I took him, I made sure that I did a LOT of power-reversal games first, with him being the dentist and me being the patient.

That dentist retired, and we went and visited several dentists until I found one that was compassionate and gentle and willing to talk about everything beforehand, to go slow, and to be comfortable with fear and crying.
 

So, what suggestions do I have for you and your child around dentists?

~ Find a dentist with whom you resonate, who doesn’t do unnecessary treatments, who talks to children and explains what is happening, and who is willing for you to be sitting next to your child, holding their hand if your child wants that. 

~ Find a dentist who respects your authority as a parent and doesn’t use power-over tactics on you and your child.

~ Before the visit, explain to your child what will happen, and most of all, do plenty of role play power reversal games, where she gets to be the dentist and you get to be the patient.

~ If you have your own feelings that come up around dentists, share your feelings with a compassionate listener, or your Inner Loving Crew so that you can listen fully to your child.

~ Be prepared to do power-reversal games after the dentist trip too.

~ Welcome any crying, especially that comes up around power, cooperation, and choice.

And if you have big feelings around dentists for yourself, and have had past painful experiences, what would your Inner Loving Crew say to you?

What would you like to say to those dentists from the past?

What would you like to hear from them or from your Inner Loving Crew?
 

I wish I had known all of this years ago, because my own past terror around dentists has definitely affected my children.

So I hope that some of the things that I’ve learnt along the way about dentists and feelings and powerlessness might help you and your children.