Hello again!
I received so many moving emails in response to my last letter to you (it was called, “The original cause of upper limiting and how we can prevent it in our children,” and you can read it HERE.)
This is part two.
TWO PARTS TO HEALING
When I talk to parents about helping their children heal from past events, such as a traumatic birth, I say that there are TWO parts to the healing:
1. We give them unconditional compassion whilst they express the feelings;
2. We give them an experience of what they didn’t get that they needed at the time.
For example, if it was a birth where they didn’t get to choose the timing, say in the case of a Caesarean or forceps or ventouse, then we listen to the crying and raging, AND we say to them what they didn’t get to hear, and give them an experience of choosing THIS TIME.
In my Inner Loving Presence Process, the experience is very similar:
1. Our Inner Loving Crew give us unconditional love for the feelings that we didn’t get to express at the time (for me, it’s usually my Inner Loving Mother who does this);
2. We get to say and hear and experience what we didn’t get at that time.
CELEBRATION VS. PRAISE
After my last post, one mother asked, “I wonder if you’d be willing to comment on the risk (if any) of teaching children to value the reaction of others more than experiencing their own joy? This is something I struggle with – wanting others to be happy for me, giving me permission to feel happy for myself. I have a belief that this comes from excessive praise as a child but I’m not entirely clear on it.”
What I am talking about, in celebrating ourselves and our children, is not praise, nor rewards (if you haven’t already read it, I highly recommend Alfie Kohn’s book, “Punished by Rewards”).
This is about meeting our child where she is.
If she’s drawing a picture, taking her first steps, or doing her first piano recital, and she’s engrossed in what she’s doing, then as parents, we can be with her in that. If we were to start saying, “Yipppeee,” that would likely take her away from her own experience.
What’s most helpful is our mirroring her. Which requires us to observe her, and to be present in ourselves, to see what she is looking for.
If she looks at us with joy in her face, then we can mirror her joy, with a huge smile on our face and an enthusiastic response.
If she says, “Look at me!” We might respond with something like, “YAY! I see you! You just did a somersault on the trampoline! WOW!”
If she comes home with exam results and tells us, excitedly, that she got an A, we might say, “Sweetheart, I am so impressed! I’m celebrating you! YAY for you! How are you feeling?”
Each child is different, which is why this is all about mirroring them. Waiting to see what their response is, and then responding with empathy and compassion to what THEIR experience is.
BACK TO UPPER LIMITING
In that last post, I wrote about an experience when I got my first class honours degree and the devastation I felt when I heard my Dad’s response.
In the last few days, I’ve had plenty more opportunities to explore my own upper limiting.
And just like those two parts of healing, with the Inner Loving Presence Process, there’s both the expression of what didn’t get expressed, AND getting to hear what didn’t get heard.
Yesterday, I was driving home with fish and chips for my Mum’s birthday tea. We’d gone out earlier but everywhere we went was super windy, so we decided on this plan instead.
And I got stopped for speeding. Which hasn’t happened to me since I was 17, and first passed my driving test.
Same theme, again and again – I’m excited about something, I’m celebrating something, and there’s punishment and pain straight afterwards.
Right, I thought, this REALLY is an invitation to get in to my psyche and do a WHOLE LOAD OF HEALING!
So, after they all ate their dinner, I retreated to the bedroom and did my ILPP.
I went back to time after time where I’d been excited about something, or had made some achievement, or had been ‘fast’ and ‘early’ and something painful had happened:
~ Being excited to be born, and coming early -> being separated from my mother
~ Being excited about starting school and being ready too early -> being vomited on at school by another girl
~ Getting my first class degree and being really excited -> “you must be pleased” from my Dad
~ My Ph.D. ceremony at Cambridge -> my Dad drawing attention to himself instead
I went back to each time, and expressed the feelings, and my Inner Loving Crew heard them, and told me what I had wanted to hear.
HEARING WHAT WE DIDN’T HEAR
As I shared in my last post, if our parents aren’t able to mirror our joy, our competence, our exuberance, our achievements, and our celebrations, then we will often start feeling really uncomfortable as adults when we feel joy, or we make new achievements or successes.
Many of you wrote to me, about how you had been told that you were “too much”, or that your parents were in their own pain and couldn’t celebrate you, and how that means now, when you achieve something, or feel joyful, or make more money, or take a new step, that you start feeling really uncomfortable, or something seems to come in and stop that.
The beauty is, that our Inner Loving Crew can tell us NOW, what we didn’t hear THEN.
For me, it needed to be my Inner Loving Father, because my Inner Loving Mother loves me unconditionally. For me, it’s my ILF who is all about the encouragement and celebration. But for you it might be really different.
So, this morning, in my Inner Loving Crew practice, my Inner Loving Father came to me.
So, this isn’t a visualisation or an affirmation. It can only happen when I’m actually ready and willing to hear these words.
And for me, my ILF is a combination of my historical father, my ILF, and since my Dad is no longer alive, it’s also my father in a different dimension! Again, yours will be unique to you.
This morning he sat opposite me and said,
“I’m sorry that you learnt those things from me.”
“Now, from this perspective, I see that having more, and being more, DOESN’T harm the earth.”
“You being more means you have more to give.”
“I CELEBRATE you and all your achievements. I am so impressed, darling daughter, that you got that first. You were the first in our family to go to University, and I know how hard you worked. I really honour that. I celebrate you.”
“And WOW! You got a Ph.D. FROM CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY! Darling daughter, that is one of the most prestigious Universities in the world, and you worked hard and received a Ph.D. I’m sorry, that on that day, I couldn’t really give you what you needed. My own pain came up. But NOW I can give you that. I think you did beautifully and amazingly, and I am so glad to be your father.”
“And then you were the youngest person to qualify as a Psychosynthesis Psychotherapist. WOW! Congratulations! I think that is AMAZING! And again, I know how much work and diligence and effort you put into that. I see you. And I celebrate you.”
“And you’ve done all those other trainings since then. I see your drive to keep on learning and growing and becoming more and more competent and knowledgeable, and I REALLY appreciate that in you, dear daughter.”
“Those first few years as a mother, wow, and those births that you had. I know that that midwife told you that she had never seen anyone prepare so much for birth as you did. I know that I couldn’t really acknowledge any of that at the time, and I apologise. But now, now I see the huge importance of what you did. How much you carried them, how much you listened to their feelings, how you learnt NVC so that they would grow up with a different experience. I think that you were, and are, an AMAZING mother.”
“And wow, look at all these courses you have made! I know that you have heard from people that you made too many, or that you are too much, and I want to let you know that YOU ARE NEVER TOO MUCH. I am here with you, and whatever you do, IT WILL NEVER BE TOO MUCH. I won’t let others say that to you. I couldn’t bear to see you shine before, but now I LOVE to see you shine. Please shine your beautiful light, dear daughter. The world will be less of a place if you don’t. And you inspire others to shine their lights too. I see you. You don’t need to dim yourself, or shine less, or be less, or create less, or be less joyful or exuberant or abundantly alive for me any more.”
“I LOVE your light, your joy, your exuberance, your passion for life, and how you keep on learning and growing and creating.”
“Shine, dear daughter, shine and smile and laugh and let yourself have what your heart desires. I am right here beside you, cheering you along all the way.”
“I love you.”
Wow, I have tears streaming down my face as I type these words.
These are the words I’ve been longing to hear – I longed to hear them from my Dad; I looked to men to say them to me, and now I am able to give them to myself, via my ILF!
If you resonate with ANY of this, I invite you to do the same.
Are you willing for your own Inner Loving Crew to (gently, at your own beautiful and unique pace), hear those past hurts from when you didn’t receive the celebration, acknowledgment and mirroring that you needed?
Are you willing for your own Inner Loving Crew to give you the acknowledgment, celebration, and encouragement that you’ve been needing?
YOU are a gift to the world.
I honour you, and all the gifts that you bring.
And if you want to get to know your ILC more, I still have a whole smorgasboard of offerings about this, both free and paid.
My free ebook; “Love yourself more” – about how we internalise our relationships with our historical mother, father, friends and partners:
My $6 ebook, audio, video ~ “Inner Loving Mother, Outer Loving Mother” – which incudes tangible suggestions about what our Inner Loving Mother might say to us and what we might say to our children as the Outer Loving Mother.
The free taster to my Inner Loving Presence Process Course – this is the first five parts of the course free, so you get to see if it resonates with you!
And the actual course itself, the Inner Loving Presence Process Course.
What a journey this life is! I’m so grateful to be along for the ride!!
Love,
Marion
xxx