Hello again!
Do you ever find yourself feeling scared in a way that seems out of proportion to the situation?
That might be when you see a dog; go to the dentist; speak in public; share something important to you; go into a hospital; or start doing something that you love.
And have you noticed your child feeling scared in a way that also seems out of proportion to the situation?
Such as when a beetle flies around them; when they start a new activity; when you’re lying them down to put a nappy on; or when they’re starting school.
When big fear comes up in relation to apparently small events, it often means that something frightening has been experienced in the past, and this present event is a reminder of those feelings.
This isn’t something wrong with us.
This is our psyche trying to help us or our children heal from the original frightening experience.
We or they will keep on feeling the fear in similar situations, until the original feelings are expressed and heard.
Let’s look at this for our children first, and then for ourselves.
If our child seems really scared of doing something in the present moment, in a way that seems out of proportion to the situation, it is very likely that feelings from the past are coming up to be heard and healed.
What can these reminder moments be, and what can they remind our children of?
Lying on a nappy changing table can remind them of being held down for medical procedures;
Having their teeth brushed can remind them of having a tongue tie revised or being intubated;
Being at the dentist can remind them of any medical procedures, as well as past scary dentist visits;
Being in the car seat can also remind them of medical procedures when they were restrained, and also of their birthing experiences;
Being separated when starting preschool, kinder or nursery can remind them of being separated after birth;
Being scared of dogs can remind them of a past scary incidence with a dog;
Being scared when a beetle comes can remind them of a past time when someone screamed seeing a beetle;
Sometimes it can be hard for us to realise what the connection is, and why our children are having such a big response to an apparently small thing.
But the psyche is wise, and is constantly trying to heal.
The thing is, if we either try to push our child past the fear quickly, by quickly doing that thing to them and avoiding the feelings, OR we help them avoid that situation altogether, then they don’t get to heal from the original fear.
What do we need to do to help them heal from the original fear?
1. Understand what is happening, knowing that the fear is from the past and is trying to be healed;
2. Stay connected with our child, and be present with them whilst they are feeling scared; which requires us to be able to stay present with fear in ourselves; AND give them that sense that we both have 100% compassion for how they are feeling AND we know that they are safe.
3. Help them release the feelings, through them crying, raging, shaking, sweating, playing and talking.
If our child had some really big scary things happen to them, such as being in the NICU, having medical procedures, being separated from us, being in the midst of arguments, or being in a frightening event, it can take many repeated times of them crying, sweating, laughing and playing with us for them to release those original feelings.
And it often means that we need support – to express our feelings to an empathic listener about how hard it is, or about our frustration, or fear, or anything else that comes up for us!
I wonder if any of this resonates for you?
Does your child feel fear in an apparently small situation?
And if so, how could you start off helping him release the edges of that fear through the associated attachment play?
(For example, if the fear is around separation, you might want to play separation games like peek a boo and hide and seek with another adult there too!)
And how could you then also be with those bigger feelings, and stay present with your child and with their feeling?
What would you need in order to be able to do that?
And what about us healing from past fear?
The thing is, that because our culture doesn’t really understand how the psyche tries to heal, what happens is we can often keep on trying to repress the feelings each time they come up to be heard.
And that means we experience edges of the feelings over and over again, without getting to release the original feelings.
And that can stop us from doing things that we really want to do.
For example, say you really want to give talks, but when you stand up in front of people to speak, you shake, sweat, and feel terrified.
And so, although you want to give talks, you might find yourself avoiding giving them.
Or it may be that you want to go on holiday, but you feel terrified when you go on a plane;
Or you want to have an exhibition of your art work, but you feel so scared when you imagine what would happen when you show your work;
Or you might want to write a blog but you feel afraid when you think people might judge you.
When we feel big fear, that fear isn’t about the present. It’s about the past.
So how can we heal from the fear?
It’s just the same as with children, (apart from one thing):
1. Understand what is happening – that the past is coming up to be healed in the present;
2. Connection – with someone who is able to be with those same feelings in themselves, so that they can be present with us when we are feeling the feelings and mirror to us both the acceptance of the fear AND the knowledge that we are also safe
(the different part from children is that the connection can also come from within, if we have since learnt to be present with ourselves with that feeling);
3. Release – through crying, talking, shaking, sweating and laughing.
How might we go about healing then?
Well, we might start off giving a small talk, and before that, we might talk to that person who can be with those feelings, and talk about how scared we feel. We might also cry intensely and shake and sweat and laugh.
We might find videos of people presenting and forgetting what to say, or saying funny things (I’ve found some videos lately that are all about that, and I’ve been laughing hysterically – CLICK HERE to have a look!)
And we might also go back to the memory of the original experience, and talk and cry and shake and sweat as we share it with the person who can be with it.
The more we can release the original fear WITH a sense of connection and safety, the more we can be in that situation – giving talks – without feeling terrified.
And there’s that one difference from children – we can help ourselves feel connected, by giving ourselves the presence and safety we need for healing to happen.
And that is one key part of my Inner Loving Presence Process.
We can have our Inner Loving Crew there with us, listening to the fear, mirroring it, giving us a sense of deep connection, and being there with us whilst we release the feelings.
And that’s what I’ve been doing with this launch of my Inner Loving Presence Process for Entrepreneurs.
You might have read MY LAST EMAIL TO YOU about the journey from being little scared Marion to who I am now. I shared it on FaceBook and received and outpouring of support and love.
I wrote another, even more open email, to the Interest list, about how scared I used to feel as a child and a couple more early fears that I listened to. You can READ IT HERE.
I’m so grateful to have healed another big bunch of fear whilst I’ve been launching this new Taster.
So, to recap:
The fear was coming up in the present because I’m stepping up another level. That means old feelings of fear that were linked to stepping up, being competent, and going out into the world, came up to be heard.
I knew what was happening so I could cooperate with the process rather than try to repress or bypass the feelings.
My Inner Loving Crew were there with me, both being present with the fear, anxiety and terror, but also letting me know that I was actually safe.
I expressed feelings through talking, writing, crying, and laughing.
Isn’t the psyche amazing!!
If you’ve been interested in the Inner Loving Presence Process for Entrepreneurs Taster, the doors close today at 10pm Sydney time.
I’m not planning to run the Taster again.
AND a lot of the information in it will be in the 6 month Mistressmind starting in January, so if you want to join that then, I’d love to have you there.
(Members of the ILPPE Taster will get a reduction on the Mistressmind, AND the opportunity to reflect back on the year and look forwards to 2017 and their entrepreneurial journey).
If you join the Taster, you’ll have access to the material until the end of January, and you can download everything except the videos for keeping after that point.
And some of you asked, what if you don’t call yourself an entrepreneur?
What if you are just starting your business, or you have a job?
It’s equally relevant – it helps with anything to do with you and your life direction and healing from past hurts and fears!
If you want to join or find out more, CLICK HERE or on the meme below:
Love,
Marion
xxx