Hello!

Have you ever wondered why you sometimes have really big feelings in relation to quite small events?

And why your child does too?
 

When we experience something painful, and we don’t get to express the painful feelings at the time, then our psyche keeps trying to express what wasn’t expressed.

And they way we do that is by feeling those feelings whenever we’re in a situation that reminds us of the original experience.
 

I’d love to share two recent experiences that have helped me see this even more clearly.

One was with a friend and colleague.

A year and a half ago, she said something to me that I found really painful.

At the time, I didn’t know her well enough to feel comfortable to share how I’d felt on hearing those words.

Over the next year, I found that every so often, she would say something to me, and I’d have a big reaction to what she said.

So, recently, we were talking, and at last I felt comfortable to tell her that I’d had some feelings in relation to things that she’d said, and she invited me to tell her about them.

So I told her about that first thing. And she heard me, and gave me empathy, and acknowledged what she’d said and where it had come from.

And then she invited me to share the other things.

And I saw that all the charge had gone from the other things.

And I realised that I’d had such big reactions to the other things because I simply hadn’t expressed the initial feelings.

Once I’d expressed those initial feelings, and had them heard so beautifully, the other things fell away.

In other words, my big feelings about the other things were my psyche trying to express the original feelings.
 

The other experience is something happening at the present moment.

Today, we are having a visit from the man who gives us re-registration for our homeschooling.

And I generally have really big feelings every year before he comes. 

I feel scared.

In previous years, my fear has come out in trying to make my children do extra structured learning in ways that aren’t very connected to them and their needs.

I’ve done lots of healing work over the years with my memories with school, and that really helped. 

This year, things are very different. 

I decided last year that I needed more support, and I’ve had an amazing woman help me with things like translating what we are doing into the language that is required by the Board of Studies.

So, this year, I have mostly been very calm. 

Until the last couple of days, when I’ve felt that big fear again.

And again, it impacted how I was with my children yesterday. 

A couple of times I spoke to them in harsh ways.

I was definitely trying to encourage my daughter to do things that she didn’t want to do, in quite panicky ways, and that doesn’t ever go well.

And I’ve developed a REALLY SORE THROAT – and I rarely ever get sick.

 

So, this morning when I was doing my morning Inner Loving Presence Process Practice (that’s a mouthful, isn’t it!), I tracked back the thread to all the situations that this reminded me of. 

I remembered a time when I was doing my psychology degree and we were in a tutorial and I was asked to speak, and I just sat there, frozen, not knowing what to say.

I remembered a time at high school when I sat on the floor in assembly and was asked something, and felt so terrified.

And then I went back to being a baby in the incubator, and the words, “Stop looking at me,” came out.

And immediately I felt a relief.

I imagined how it might have been for me in that incubator.

I imagined that at times there were probably lots of people around, bright lights, trying to work out what was going on for me / “wrong” with me. (they didn’t know for a few days if I would live).

And that sense, of being so vulnerable, of having people look at me and wonder what’s “wrong with me”, that to me seems like the original feeling cause (that I connect with when the Board of Studies man comes).

So I went and did my Inner Loving Presence Process with those words. 

(The ILPP came from the Power Portal Process.)

And my sore throat started to go away immediately.

I feel a relief of having hit the nail on the head – that exact original feeling, and why anything that reminds me of that feels so terrifying.

It makes total sense.

Knowing the cause, and hearing the feelings and thoughts, and speaking what wasn’t spoken, and hearing what wasn’t heard – that creates healing.

 

And our children are just like that too.

If your child had a surgical procedure, and didn’t get to do all the crying with you afterwards that she needs to do, then anything that reminds her of that surgical procedure is likely to bring up those feelings to be heard now. 

For example, if a baby was held down to have a procedure done, then lying her on a nappy changing table may connect her with those feelings. It may seem like she doesn’t want her nappy changed, when actually she is trying to heal from that original experience.

If your baby had a really long second stage, then putting her in the car-seat might remind her of those feelings, and she may cry, and it may seem like she doesn’t like the car-seat, whereas she is actually trying to express the original feelings around being in the birth canal for so long.

If your child has experienced painful things that she didn’t get to choose, for example, divorce, then any time she doesn’t seem to have choice, like when you ask her to stop doing something, then those big original feelings may come out to be heard.

If your child had a traumatic time at the dentist or doctor’s, then she may feel frightened any time you take her again. She’s trying to heal from the original scary experience.

This can really help us understand why our baby or child can have big feelings in reaction to what seem to be really small things to us.

The beauty is, that we can help them heal from the original experience.

And of course, our baby or child needs connection with us when she expresses those feelings. The key is that she has those feelings HEARD. 

Just like we need to have connection with ourselves, to heal our own original feeling causes, or to have an empathic listener hear them for us.

And it really helps if we can have a sense of what the original cause might be.

So, for example, if your child is terrified of dogs, it might help if you remember when that fear first started, and what happened just before that.

And for us as adults, it can really help to track back those similar themes.

For me the key question is, “What does this remind me of?” 

That’s what takes me back and back and back to the original feeling cause.

And as I say to my course participants, the newer you are to listening to your own feelings from the past, then I recommend just going back to more recent years. 

As we get more experienced with listening to our big feelings empathically, the earlier back we are able to go without being flooded with feelings.

 

So, I wonder if any of this resonates with you?

Have you ever had a time where you expressed an original hurt to your partner or a friend or colleague, and you found yourself then being able to hear them without feeling that hurt each time they said something similar?

Have you ever had a big reaction to your child and asked yourself what the situation reminded you of, and went back and heard your younger self with empathy and compassion?

Have you ever noticed that your child has big feeling reactions to small things, and that after expressing those feelings, she is much more connected and peaceful?

Have you ever noticed that she has bigger reactions to things along a certain theme – such as separation, or autonomy?

 

For me this timing is perfect, around the homeschooling visit, my school experiences, and my experience in the incubator.

Because, as you know if you’ve read my recent emails, my full Power and Powerlessness in Parenting Course starts very soon.

And I find that every time I run this course live, then I get another opportunity to heal from an old experience of powerlessness.

And I’m so grateful for that, because I would love it if I never again even subtly tried to coerce my children into anything.

I rarely try to make them doing anything nowadays, from all the healing I’ve done around powerlessness.

My aim is to heal from that original experience to the extent that next time the Board of Studies man comes to visit, I won’t feel ANY of that fear. 

Because I’ll be relating to the present situation, not carrying feelings from the past that still need to be heard.

I know that the more I heal in myself, the less pain I pass on to my children for them to heal.

 

If you’re interested in healing your old experiences of powerlessness, so that you resort to any kind of power-over your children less and less,

and if you want to claim your true power as a mother,

Then my full Power and Powerlessness in Parenting Course helps with these.

In it, we go through the Power Portal Process – that’s exactly the process you can go through to heal from those original feeling experiences.

CLICK HERE or on the quotes from the course below to find out more.