Hello!

What do you believe is your true nature?

And what about children? What do you believe their true nature is?

For many hundreds of years in the West, the core belief was that human beings are born sinful and evil and could only become helpful members of society through strict teaching, punishment, and harsh responses to unwanted behaviours.

In the 20th Century, those views softened slightly. Behaviourism was born, and mostly based on experiments with rats and dogs, the whole idea of rewards as well as punishments became much more pronounced.

In fact, time out came from behaviourism.

It was still based on the idea that children are inherently ‘bad’, and can only become ‘good’ through punishments and rewards.

Most of us grew up in this kind of paradigm – which means we internalised this, and as a result, unless we’ve consciously chosen to change our internal dialogue, then we punish and reward ourselves, through self-judgment and guilt, mostly.

But have you noticed that it doesn’t work?

How many times have you done something, whether it’s speaking in a frustrated tone to your child, or staying up late watching Netflix, and you’ve felt guilty or judged yourself, and then gone ahead and done the same thing again the next month/week/day?

And have you ever wondered why that is?

The way I see it, punishment doesn’t work because it’s based on an outdated view of human beings.

Punishment doesn’t actually address the real reason WHY we spoke in a frustrated tone to our child, or stayed up late watching Netflix, and so it can only be a sticking plaster, not a deep rooted change agent.

And the same is the case for children. Punishments don’t actually work to create true change.

And research shows that punishments don’t actually work.

A child might feel scared when the person who doles out the punishment is around; and might avoid doing that thing because of fear, but if the punishing person isn’t around, it won’t have changed the reason why the child is doing whatever that thing is.

And what about rewards? Research clearly shows that rewards don’t actually do what we think they do.

If you haven’t read Alfie Kohn’s “Punished by Rewards”, I highly recommend it. He shows how children are actually less likely to do something that they’ve been rewarded for once the rewards have been taken away. Rewards remove intrinsic motivation.

In other words, punishments and rewards, even subtle ones, are based on outdated perspectives on human beings.

What is a more modern paradigm?

That human beings naturally WANT to connect, cooperate and contribute. That is our true nature – love.

And yet, if that is so, perhaps you’re wondering why your child won’t cooperate with brushing their teeth, or pulled the dog’s tail, or hit their sister, or told you to get them something in a ‘demanding’ tone?

Well, let’s think about it for a bit.

Pulling the dog’s tail, hitting, not cooperating, ‘whining’, etc. doesn’t actually FEEL enjoyable for a child.

Think about it for yourself – you don’t enjoy it when you act in frustrated or harsh ways with your child or partner, do you?

Contributing, cooperating, connecting, these FEEL enjoyable!

Do you notice that for yourself – when you are feeling happy, feeling connected with yourself, your needs are met, you’re getting time to do things you love, then your child asks you something and you LOVE to connect, cooperate, contribute.

If they talk to you, you want to look in their eyes and listen to what they’re saying.

If they ask you to play, you’re happy to cooperate.

If they want some food, you feel a “yes” inside you to want to contribute to them.

But when you haven’t had enough time for yourself, you’re tired, your needs are unmet, and they ask you to cooperate, you often don’t want to connect, cooperate or contribute.

CHOOSING to contribute is one of the most joyful things we can do.

Doesn’t that make sense then, that when we are feeling most in contact with ourselves, when our needs are met and we’ve had plenty of support/connection/fun/stimulation/sleep/creativity, then our true nature comes shining out?

And the same for our children. Those times when they smile, look in our eyes, respond to our requests, and enjoy contributing, that is when they are connected to their true nature.

What takes us away from our true nature? I love Aletha Solter’s perspective: that when we or our children are acting in challenging ways, it’s either because:

~ we have unmet needs;
~ we have a need for information;
~ we have painful pent-up feelings;

And the more we can replace our own internalised belief system with something more like this, the more likely we will be able to respond to ourselves and our children in ways that actually HELP US reconnect with our true nature.

Remembering that when our child is behaving in challenging ways, that they are NOT enjoying it, can help us respond compassionately to them too!

When we are in judgmental thinking about WHY they are acting in those ways, we will find it HARD to give our children the connection that they actually need!

I wonder if any of this resonates with you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Changing our perspectives about human beings can have a profound difference in terms of HOW we respond to ourselves and our children when we act in challenging ways.

 

If this approach is fairly new to you, then you might be interested in my upcoming Making Friends with Feelings Course.

In the course, we will go in deeper to this paradigm, and we’ll also talk in detail about:

WHAT our children most need at those times when they act in ways that we find challenging;

HOW we can give that to them so that they return to their true nature;

WHAT we can do when our thoughts return to more old-fashioned ones;

HOW we can apply this to ourselves,

and a lot more!

If you want to find out more about the course, CLICK HEREor on the image below:
 

 

 

Much Love,

Marion 

xxx