It was my son’s 9th birthday this week, and I’d love to share a few insights and learnings I’ve had about birthdays!
The birthday. And NINE!!! Where do the years go! That’s one thing I want to offer!
I know that sometimes those early years with small children can be really challenging sometimes.
I want to offer, that when I look back, with now a 13 year old daughter and a nine year old son, those years have just flown by.
I want to make the most of every single day I have with them, because I really see that childhood is really quite a fleeting thing, and is so deeply precious.
It reminds me of the book, Hold On to Your Kids (by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate), which I highly recommend, about the vital importance of focussing on attachment with our children!
So, what have I learnt so far about birthdays?
I’ve learnt to do less, plan less, and be more.
I recall some past years where I have been stressed about making or doing things, or have been really trying to give lots, and have missed out on being present.
This year, because I have been feeling so filled up myself and have been simply focussing on regular Present Time with my son, there has been such a sense of peace and ease with it.
He didn’t want much planned for it.
He wanted Present Time, kind of like all day, he said! And some device Present Time too!
I bought him three presents. They were beautiful magnetic blocks that I have wanted to get him for years.
There was no plastic wrapping to get frustrated at opening, and no batteries to put in.
And even at nine, it really is true what they say about creativity and open-endedness. The blocks which are just different shapes, he has been playing with for hours. The ones that have robot parts painted on, he has played with much less.
His sister was at a ballet class until mid afternoon, so he and I spent lots of time together. His dad came for a while, and so did his grandmother.
Then my daughter arrived home and they played for a while whilst I decorated the cake which my mum had made.
Then some friends wanted to come over to celebrate his birthday, and they did, and the rest of his siblings and sibling mother and dad came back again, and he opened a few presents (they all received some from their grandparents in England, so everyone got to open a present!)
We did the usual cake celebrations!
He played for a while with one of his friends, and they had a great time.
And once everyone had gone, then he and I had some device Present Time. He’s really into Club Penguin at the moment, so we did Club Penguin sled racing, which was really fun!
It was such a simple birthday, with no stress, no planning, and lots of flow and ease.
There were a few, carefully-chosen presents.
To me, it felt beautiful.
And he said it was his best birthday ever! On going to bed, he said that he was sad that it was over!
And what I learnt was, in holding a sense of abundance in myself and for him, I didn’t TRY to make it abundant, (with lots of things and lots of happenings), and actually that allowed a sense of deep presence and abundance to shine through.
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I talk about compassion a lot. And it is one of my guiding core intentions, to keep increasing my capacity for compassion for myself and others.
In one of my course groups, we have been talking about finding compassion for each other, even when our sweet spots get stroked. I’m finding, as I keep aiming to do that, that my heart breaks open a little more, to let the love in!
I love that what originally brought me to compassion, Aware Parenting, because I wanted to give that to my daughter; has actually taken me to a desire to be compassionate with all beings.
I will make compassion the core of another email to you!!
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This is a passion of mine, to help compassion spread from parent to parent, so that we can gradually let go of the ways we internalised – the guilt, the shame, the self-judgment, the believing-we-are-wrong or that there is something wrong with us…. and replace it with deep self-compassion, which spreads to compassion for our children, our partner, our family, other parents, and the rest of the world.
I am so happy when I hear from people who have done my courses, and they tell me that they really have experienced what I wanted to give in the course.
I had a beautiful email from Claire this week, about her experiences in my Living Aware Parenting Course and my Power and Powerlessness in Parenting Course.
She said, “I feel like there has been some dismantling of some old beliefs around being faulty, wrong, worthless as an individual. I feel that the reframing that Marion has offered on this course has allowed me to see myself in such a different light and allowed me to deepen into a much more compassionate relationship with myself.
And there is nothing wrong with my son (a belief that I can slip into at times).
By feeling my feelings more clearly and noticing when there is an unmet need I am then better able to do that with others… Since course began I notice I am better able to HEAR what my partner is saying… rather than jump into habitual ways of reacting.
There are lots of sweet spots! And I love this term. Again allowing me to meet my feelings as if they are friends that are rising up to receive some healing… I can meet sweet spots in myself the same way as I meet sweet spots in my children (with love and compassion).“
I LOVE receiving emails like this! Not only because it tells me that mothers are getting what I want to give in my courses, (YIPPEEEEE!!!) but also because when I talk about a course, it becomes less and less about me, and more and more about you.
It is my passion to inspire mothers to know, just like Claire, that we can, thread by thread, free ourselves from those old beliefs that there is something wrong with us. And as we do that, we take off those lenses that sometimes see our children in that light.
We can see that whenever we behave towards our children in ways that we regret, that we are actually needing MORE love and compassion, rather than judgment and harshness, just like when our children act in ways we don’t enjoy, they need MORE connection and compassion too!
We can see that just as, when our children have big feelings about small things, that they are trying to heal from past experiences. And so we are the same – we have big reactions to small things that our children or partners or friends do, and that simply points to what needs healing in us.
I love that everything in Aware Parenting relates just as much to us as parents as it does for our children. And that just as we can focus on connection, healing and deep compassion for our children, so we can focus on that for ourselves.
I’m deeply grateful to be on this journey,
Sending you lots of love,
Marion xxx